Friday, May 29, 2015

Inner voice knows all...

Sometimes you just have a gut feeling something isn't right.  I had that feeling but ignored it for awhile.  That feeling just kept getting stronger and stronger until I absolutely had to listen.  I kept thinking and feeling someone was on my page to spy on me and then gossip about me.  I would get messages when this person would read something that I had posted which wasn't a positive situation within my family.  Wanting details.  I didn't give the details about anything.  I didn't feel that this person was looking out for my best interest.  I finally listened to my inner voice and I deleted this person from my page.  I had to.  I felt that I had to censor all of what I was posting and that's wrong.  I shouldn't have to hide anything.  My life is my life whether people agree with it or not.

I thought that this person would eventually email me asking why.  Nothing.  No email.  That told me everything I needed. They were on my page to use my life to gossip to the most evil, vile and disgusting human I have ever known.   That inner voice is a smart little cookie.  Never again will I ignore her little voice.  :)

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Words change

He said I was fat
I lost weight

He said I was too thin
I gained weight

He said I didn't take care of myself
I did my hair and makeup

He said I wasn't attractive
I wondered what was wrong with me

He said he had to fantasize about other women
I started to hate sex

He said I needed to move on
I finally gave up on me

His words own me...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

They say...




If you have been friends with someone for 7 years that friendship will last a lifetime.  Sorry but I call crap on that.  In no way does time mean someone won't turn on you and stab you in the back or throw you under the bus in order to save their own butt.  I'm amazed at just how two faced a person can be when they tell you they want to see you happy and just how much they love you.  How in the .blazes can someone do that and feel okay within themselves?  How do they sleep at night knowing full well they spew nothing but lies?

I repaired a friendship back in 2005 with a woman I ended the friendship with in 1989.  I ended it the first time based upon her selfishness and leaving me high and dry in our apartment.  No money to pay rent or bills.  I was forced to move back home with my parents  I did not speak to her again for 16 years.  She had sent me a letter some where within those 16 years but I did not respond.  She made her choice and she had to live with it.  How I wish that I had not rekindled the friendship in 2005.  In the last 8 years it has been nothing but a roller coaster with her.  Finding out just how two faced she truly is when it comes to me and others.  How she felt the need to treat me as if I was an invalid and unable to care for myself.  How she embarrassed me in front of new friends and making me out to be a drunk and a whore when I do drink.  The list just goes on.  I stopped talking to this woman a couple of years ago due to me being fed up with her "mothering" me when I asked her, repeatedly, to stop.  Why oh why did I allow her back into my life???  Just a couple of weeks ago I find out that she had completely thrown me under the bus for a situation that was not all my idea.  She was part of the idea also.  She allowed everyone who heard about it (one woman in particular who went on a rage and trashed me on a public forum instead of being an adult and talking to me instead) and she did not step up and say that she was all for the idea also.  Nope.  She sat back and let everyone on that forum completely trash me and belittle me.  Seriously???  I am not part of the group forum so what does this woman do?  Copy and pasted the whole conversation to me.  Yep.  She let me see every nasty thing that was said about me.  Instead of saying that it wasn't something that was wanted.  Nope.  She felt the need to hurt me and make me feel like I was complete garbage.  I really think she enjoys hurting others.  It makes her feel better about her "sad, lonely, soccer mom, husband doesn't give a damn about her" life.

After thinking a few days about what she had done I decided that enough was enough.  I don't need that from a friend.  What kind of friend would do that?  I'll tell you what kind.  A back stabbing, two faced, thinks only of herself and could careless about how badly she hurts others kind of friend.  With friends like her who the heck needs enemies?  So...I very nicely wrote her an email letting her know I had enough and her throwing me under the bus and not standing up to say she was part of the idea also was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I haven't heard one word from her since.  That right there speaks volumes.  I have since found out that she is "friends" again with a woman whom she was saying just a couple of months ago is stupid and will be divorced within a couple of years.  She has not said much that is complimentary about that woman so that has confirmed to me just what a loser she really is.  She can't be a friend. She doesn't know how.  She buys her friends with silly and stupid gifts.  She thinks that if she gives money or bows down and accepts any treatment from her so called friends then she will look and be considered a great person.  I've been bitten three times by her selfishness and cruelty.  Let her face her karma.  I don't need someone like her in my life.  I was a fool for allowing her to come back into my life.  I guarantee that it won't happen again.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice and even three times...shame on me.  I won't be shamed again. 

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The joys of age and low tolerance for bullshit

This blog has become more of a way for me to vent, rage and then release.  I think that is okay.  Put it out in the blogosphere and if anyone reads it...oh well.  I'm not here for entertainment purposes.  I've been blogging for 10 years.  Although I haven't blogged in almost a year.  Guess life hasn't been too "dramatic" in that year.  That is a good thing.  So that must lead anyone who is reading this to think "Had a bit of drama lately huh?".  Yes...you could say that.    I am finding that the older I get the less I am able to put up with bullshit.  I have very little patience for stupidity or just lack of consideration.  Ended yet another friendship this week.  Not a long term friendship so it really didn't hurt me.  For me, the friendship was going downhill and had been for awhile.  It was one of those constant whining about how people are treating her but not making the changes to stop the treatment.  It was one of those things where she wanted me to give her happiness in her choices when there was no possible way I could.  Choices that were extremely bad for her.  I couldn't be fake to her.  I would just make mono syllable comments when she would text me.  Sometimes I would skirt around how I thought her choices were bad for her.  I wasn't the only person to tell her she was making bad decisions.  Anyway...it reached a boiling point on Monday and I lost it.  She made a snide comment that had zero to do with what I was talking about and that was all it took.  I was done.  In the last 2 days she has fabricated stuff and telling people I said things which I never said.  In her words "her perception".  In my words "twisting things around to make me sound like a bitch".  I know what was said.  Another friend knows what I said since I BCC'd her on the email.  I know enough to CYA.  CYA = cover your ass.  I've had my words twisted many times so I have learned to get a 3rd party involved on the sly.   Once my words were twisted and "perceived" I wrote this person off. 

I don't know what it is about me finding women who are two-faced and backstabbing.  I'm quite adept at finding them, befriending them, only to have them turn their ways on me.  You would think I'd learn.  If someone is going to trash talk people whom they say are their friends then they will surely trash talk about me.  I believe she did this with all of my heart.  I believe if there was something snide or bad to say about me she was on the fast train to trash talk me to anyone who would listen to her.  Mainly people who don't know me or hate me anyway.

 I let the friendship go on longer than I should have.  I felt myself become one of those fake friends.  If there is anything I am it is not fake.  I'm not two faced.  I cannot pretend to be nice to someone that I don't get along with.  I cannot pretend to be happy for someone when everyone and their dog knows they are making a huge mistake.  It's just not who I am.  I used to be that way.  I'm going to say it's my age.  I'm just too old for games and bullshit.  I don't enable anyone and I will call it like I see it.  Sometimes it pisses people off but I will be true to my friends and give them honesty.  If there isn't honesty in a friendship then why the hell are you friends to begin with?

Thinking about this situation today and I wondered "Am I really heartless?".  I don't think so.  I worry about my friends when they have problems.  I cry when they cry.  I will listen when they need to rant and vent.  I will be there for them through thick and thin.  It's the two-faced crap I can't deal with.  It's the whining about things but doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  It's draining.  I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'll be the first to say I am far from it.  It's just exhausting and draining when I give someone advice, the same advice others have given them, and yet they continue acting and doing the exact way they were before the advice.  At some point it's time to walk away and let that person do what they are going to do.  However, I will not allow someone in my life who lives to talk trash about her friends.  Even her best friend she talks trash about.  That is just more than I could and will accept in a friendship.  True, genuine and honest friendships are precious and rare.  Those are the only kind of friendships I will accept.  Anything less and it's goodbye.  I don't have to settle for less.  I have to make myself happy and in this instance, I am at peace and happy with my decision.  It was a long time coming and it was good.




Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Fake friends

Last night was one of those nights where everything seemed to implode on me.  Well...not everything but I did see a side to someone that I never wanted to see.  Granted...I've seen it directed towards others so it shouldn't surprise me when she directed it towards me.

I found out a couple of months ago that someone whom I thought was a good friend, was talking trash about me.  Can you say "Why don't you stab me in the heart with a knife and twist it okay?".  WOW!!!  I knew she was two faced and backstabber but I'm not sure why I didn't expect it to fly in my direction.  I kept the information to myself as a long planned trip was coming up and I did not want to be out the money I paid for her flight.  Had I said something before the trip I know full well she would have never paid me back.  So, I kept my mouth shut.  Kept it shut until yesterday.  I called her out on her backstabbing and how hurt I was.  I was nice in the email.  It could have very easily gone down a bad road but I maintained my composure.    What she did was not expected.  She did not reply to me but instead blocked my daughters and a friend of mine from her facebook.  She then took her rant and rage to twitter.  I was called crazy, dead weight in her life that she is glad she no longer has to deal with, I have serious mental issues, I am not loved, don't have friends who care about me, that I am pissed about something from a year ago (REALLY???  So I should be okay that you were talking trash about me just after we got back from spending the weekend in Seaside for my birthday?), I need help and she can't help me.  The list goes on and on.  All of this coming from a woman, who 2 weeks ago was saying how glad she was to have spent time with me in Vegas, how we were going to be friends forever, how I deserve nothing but the best in life, how I was the best friend a person could ask for...blah blah blah.  As soon as she knew I was onto her...she ran to the "Twi-family" telling them all kinds of things so they will sympathize with her.  Let me see....when was the last time I gave a rats ass about what those people think about me?  Oh...how about not since the cruise ended?  People who knew me all of 10 days?  Please.  They are not even worth a second thought much less my concern for what they think of me.

This will be my one and only rant about a person whom I helped become part of the "Twi-family" as no one on the cruise boards would even talk to her.  That's okay though.  She is who she is.  She has her own demons to contend with.  I won't give her a second thought once this blog is written.  I did nothing to her to warrant her treatment towards me.  I guess I should have started putting things together when she showed very little concern for me when I told her I was hit by a semi while on the way to her house last winter.  I know I was a good friend to her.  I did not talk behind her back, I helped her out with her flight to Vegas so she had time to save for the ticket, I spent loads of money for party things on a party I was not able to attend, I defended her when people would say she was nuts.  It's fine.  I did what I could to be her friend.  She chose to destroy it.  The consequences she will have to deal with.  I am not the one who lost much.  She is 30 years old, lives in a home where dog pee and poop are part of the decor, drinks way more than anyone should, hates her job, has in-laws that don't like her and will one day lose everyone she holds dear.  No one will be at fault but her.  As for me...I have a support system in place that has banded together and brought me back up to where I was before she was around.  I can honestly say...she will not be missed. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Life is like a box of chocolates....

You never know what you're gonna get. Truer words have never been spoken. Let's face it...life is a crap shoot. Sometimes you win...sometimes you lose. It's how you handle the losses. Some losses I have failed miserably in the aftermath. Talk about your lesson learning experiences.

Natalie mentioned something last night on her facebook about how she tries, and tries and tries with a certain friend but nothing changes. Well...it was along those lines. I'm paraphrasing. That status made me think of the past year and how with certain friends I did the same thing. No matter what I said or did those women judged me or criticizied me. Those were the women I cut out of my life after I had finally had enough. A person can only take so much and then it's time to end the relationship. So I miss those women? Sometimes. Do I regret the friendships? No. It is through the ups and downs with them that I found who I am and just what I will and will not accept. I do think "Would I have ended the friendships if I hadn't made new friends through the cruise? Would I have continued to accept being belittled and treated as sub human?" Sadly...I think I would have. I would have been of the opinion that some friends are better than no friends. Heavens I would have been so wrong!!!

I do like the direction my life took me with the ending of a couple of friendships. I'm stronger and stand up for myself more often. I'm finding that people want to be around me and those people don't pity me. For example...I had mentioned wanting to go to Vegas for my birthday next year and within 24 hours I am spending a week in Vegas with at least 8 amazing women. Instead of me finding a hotel...one friend offered up her timeshare. I have friends who are flying from Rhode Island and Texas. There are a few people who can't make it and I'm sad about that but they will be there in spirit. I've just gained so much with cleaning my life house. Will I speak poorly of the women that are no longer friends with me? No. They are who they are. They just didn't fit into my life story and who I need to be. I fully believe people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I'm not sad that it's over. I'm thankful for the fun and good times I had. I just know when it's time to say goodbye for not only my self preservation but for their's also.

Life is short and I don't plan on regrets. With that said....bring on Cruise to Alaska 2012!!! :) Edward and Bella Pictures, Images and Photos

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The highs...the lows

In the last 7 years I have learned how to do something. Stand up for myself. I won't allow myself to be a doormat for others anymore. I also will not sit back and let others talk trash about me or behind my back. Once I find out that is going on...I'm outta there. Friendship over. Kaput. Dead. Bury it because it's no longer breathing. It is because of this I have been called many a name and told I do not know how to be a friend. Oh really now... If being a friend means I am to accept name calling, accept someone saying "fuck you" to me, not saying how something hurts me, keeping my emotions and feelings buried so no one can see them, and rolling over so I can be walked on then I guess I am not a friend. I refuse to let someone speak to me as if I am subhuman and not say something back. No longer in my nature. I will not accept two faced backstabbing people into my life. I don't need it. It may sound like a cliche but life is too short for people like that. I have no use for them. I'm sure there are people out there who would love to be "friends" with those types. I am not one of them.

Will I end up without friends in my life? I doubt it. I don't whine to them about every little thing in my life. I don't bitch and moan when things don't go my way. I do listen to them when they are having troubles. I'm there to chat when they want to just chat. But...the really cool thing about that is...they want to chat with me. I don't bring my troubles to many people. When I do it's something major that is bothering me and I know I can't handle it on my own. Do I feel guilty when I do that? Absolutely but the friends I talk to are the ones who say "Why are you apologizing??? This is what friends do!!!". Those are the friends I know I can trust and know will be real and genuine with me. The Twilight cruise brought a lot of fake into my life but after weeding through all of the bs...I found some friends who are diamonds. That is what it's all about.



Edward and Bella Pictures, Images and Photos

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Dating is a crap shoot

It's flattering when you meet a man 200 miles from home and then he places an ad in the paper looking for you. What is not so flattering is finding out what this man's history is. When I meet someone I Google him. I'll look on court websites to see if he has a record. I'm not stupid. Imagine my surprise when I found out some things about this man that were far from what I ever thought I would find. I ended it within 24 hours of finding out this information. He is was less than nice to me. It's okay. I have to not only look out for my well being but I also need to look out for my childrens welfare. I won't put any of us at risk for a man. It's just not worth it.

So...I am back in the pond. Swimming around with the hope that there is a fishie out there for me. I do have prospects. A man whom I've known for at least 6 years and back in contact with. A man I know doesn't have a record and is clean. We will see where it goes. If it goes no further than a friendship I'm okay with that. The world won't end for me if I'm alone. I've been this way for almost 7 years. I just know that I'm not going to settle for less than what is the absolutely best for me and my kids.












Edward and Bella Pictures, Images and Photos

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Romantic relationships =

drama. That is all they are. I opened myself up in the last couple of weeks only to find that I'm not the brightest lightbulb in the box. I chose the wrong man to think something could develop. While he is separated he has not filed anything towards divorce. Hello smart girl!!! That is your first red flag. I chose to ignore it. While at dinner he said something that made me really think that I'm stupid if I continue this. He said that if his wife decided to work things out he would seriously consider it. What was that you are waving? Oh I know...A HUGE RED FLAG!!! Get the hell out and get out now!!!! That is a heartache for me just waiting to happen. I'm not really one for heartache. I've had way too much of it in my lifetime. I'm just not willing to take a chance that he won't take her back. The stakes are just way to high for me. I would rather be alone than always be worrying that I'm going to be the loser. Life is too short for relationship drama. I'll remain single if that is the case.

Edward and Bella Pictures, Images and Photos

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Cruisin' video

It's about 9 minutes long so get comfy. :)