Thursday, June 29, 2006

Only 2 1/2 days and my babies will be home. Well...they will be in the same town I am in. Poor K has to go to her fathers for 3 weeks. That is a subject I will leave alone.
I've been so bored these past 2 1/2 weeks. Nothing to really do but sit around and watch the grass grow. I did do the dishes and cleaned up my living room. That is something...right? Criminey I miss my kids. I don't think that they need to leave for that long of a period again. Mom said that the girls are getting fussy. She agrees that it's time for them to come home. I do not know what I would do if I didn't have my kids. I'm not married or dating anyone. I don't have a lot of money to go do things. I need my kids. They are a great source of entertainment. :) I never thought I would ever been a person who would become so attached to a person. I ever attached to K and J. Life is full because of them.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Well yesterday sucked the big frozen banana. It is frozen because it's so blasted hot!!! My little dude is gone. I went into J's room to check on him and he was curled up in a little ball. He looked like he was asleep but he wasn't in his normal sleeping area of the cage. I can tell sucked. I had to call K to let her know. She was very monotone about it. This would be from her being told that crying shows a sign of weakness and you should never cry or you will be made fun of. Being the emotional person I know I was not the one to tell her this.
Anyway...I cleaned the little dude up (he had bedding on his fur and I wanted him to look nice...not dead.), I put him in a little box with some bedding and buried him near our flowers. Yes...I was bawling the whole time. I loved that little guy. He was the best hamster. Never bit..well he did once when a bonehead went to pick him up while he was sleeping...he would sometimes give kisses, he would play in his ball and in general was a great pet. I text Darren to let him know about it. He liked Raisin as much as we did. He emailed me this morning and he felt bad and hoped that the girls were ok. I think the kids were better than I was. It sucked....but there are some pretty flowers and there will be a nice cross where he is. It's nice having people who care. :)

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Wedding gown....who needs a wedding gown? I have a stupid wedding gown hanging in my closet that is taking up space. It's a beautiful gown. Someone would look gorgeous in it. I only know of two weddings coming up. One girl already has her gown. The other...I wouldn't even consider letting her have it. I've tried selling it on Ebay. No luck. Think trying to sell it at a yard sale might work?
Me and my stupid ideas...what made me think I would get married again? Good grief. Not that I'm a bad catch or anything...there are just WAY too many freaks out there. Nope...Tracey is happy just the way she is. :)

Friday, June 23, 2006

I'm making up for slacking the past few weeks. ;) Good heavens but this man is amazing. LOL

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

Just checking to see if you are paying attention....;)
I was looking through some old email today and came across a couple of emails I received when lovinstitch was still around. I know everyone knows the BS I was dealing with and even though I am really putting myself out there with this and maybe even possibly shouldn't post it...I am going to. I have no secrets and never read and come to your own conclusions.

Well, well, the bitch Tracey is at it again. Wanting to slam Kim in anyway possible. Do all you want Tracey. I think everyone should know about you and your past too. Good God, where should I start, with her herpes, no, maybe with her being raped in the asshole, or about her ex-husband (this is highly private and I will not under any circumstances post it unlike the person who wrote it...I have consideration for others) She goes on dates with men and turns them off in the first five minutes by telling them all about her past and all she has been through. She claims to be a Christian but, she has no clue what that is. No Christian would ever type these slanerous things about someone on the internet. I have one thing to say Tracey.... FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!!!! Oh wait, there is more, she dates married men! Then gets chummy with their wife when they find out about it. How pathetic is that? You make me fucking sick. Oh by the way, her new blog is, check out the supposed Christian women on that one.

The above quote was written by a man I had considered dating. In all honesty I am still trying to figure out what it is about my past makes me a horrible person and to warrant the above comment.

1.) The STD...doesn't make me a bad person. I just dated the wrong man and will pay for that for the rest of my life.
2.) Getting raped? Well that wasn't quite my fault now was it? Rape is defined as forced, manipulated or coerced sexual intercourse (or other sexual act) against the will of the victim
3.) Telling men about my past in the first 5 minutes? Oh please...I may talk about my past but it's not in the first 5 minutes. Besides...the guy who wrote this did the same thing. Anyway...who in the dating world doesn't discuss their past? Right or wrong...we all do it.
4.) Dating a married man? Well that is interesting since he said he was divorced when I met him and I didn't know about the wife until I did some investigating of my own (which the above mentioned female in the quote said I should do) and found out the truth from the WIFE!!! Hence...I stopped dating him and talking to him!!!

I have no secrets. I see no reason to have them. I have put myself out there and my deepest secrets have been shown. I'm not embarrassed. I'm not humiliated. I'm human. To be perfectly frank...I'm glad I did this post. It was cleansing. It has shown me that despite the things I have done in the past...I'm still a good person. My past doesn't dictate who I will be. I've made some mistakes...some of them pretty bad. Should those mistakes be continually thrown into my face? No. I have let them go. If I am to be healthy and one day possibly be in a healthy relationship...they need to be left in the past. I found a very cool little blurb that actually fits with this post:

You are a tree and your fears are the roots. The more you are afraid and the more you cry over them the more they will grow. And sooner or later, they will have grown so much, that they will control your life. When you have a fear tell a friend and try to over come that fear as soon as possible. If you dont they will be with you forever.

I am not going to allow my fears to control my life. My fears of not fully trusting new friends because of what was done to me by who I thought were good friends. My fears that all men are complete asses and are out to hurt me. Sure I have met nothing but complete asses in the dating area....but not all men can be that way....right?

I'm doing ok. I know I am.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Do you ever just want to withdraw from life for awhile? Right now I just want to curl up on my couch for the next week. No work, no nothing. Just me and my DVD's. I know where all of this is coming from. My kids are gone for starters. I miss them like the dickens and it's driving me crazy. I have 2 weeks to go before they are home again. Well...J will be home. K has to go to her fathers for 3 weeks after she gets back. A visit she really doesn't care to go on.
Another reason for this...I'm out of estrogen. I need to get my script refilled. Does it to me everytime. Today I did absolutely nothing. Well...laundry and watched movies. I just didn't have it in me to face the world today. I took a nap late in the evening so that little mistake will cost me until late tonight.
I've been talking to a few friends and all of them agree that I should consider writing. A couple of them think I should write either short stories or a novel. With how my life has gone...I could write a pretty good fact based fiction novel. :) We will see how it goes. I'll go get an el cheapo journal at the $$ Tree and start writing out some experiences and see where that takes me. My friend, Spencer, said he would help me out. With Laine being a published author...I'm sure I can get her input also.
Who'da thunk it? Me a writer. LOL

Friday, June 16, 2006

100 things you always wanted to know about moi...

1. I was born on April Fools Day
2. I am adopted
3. I met my biological mother when I was 19
4. I haven't seen her since I was 21
5. I have no desire to see her
6. I have a biological sister
7. She is 2 years older than me.
8. I love her very much
9. I miss my sister
10. I haven't seen her for over 10 years.
11. My biological mother isn't sure who my father is
12. It could be one of 2 men.
13. My grade school crush lasted 5 years.
14. His name was David.
15. He was killed during a training flight while he was in the Air Force.
16. A bird flew through the cockpit and killed him.
17. He never knew how I felt about him.
18. I still have a valentine he gave me in grade school.
19. His best friend was my attorney at one time
20. I love Cadillac Margaritas
21. I love Mexican food
22. I sometimes get up at 2am to drink a glass of milk
23. If I have homemade brownies in the house, I'll have those with the milk
24. I love good clean dirt
25. I didn't know about the internet until 1997
26. I am now addicted to the internet
27. I have been married two times
28. I knew walking down the aisle the first time, I was making a mistake
29. I tried to get out of marrying my second husband 3 times.
30. He talked me into marrying him anyway.
31. My first husband and I didn't have kids.
32. I have a daughter from my second husband.
33. I have a daughter from a boyfriend after my first husband.
34. I should have had a child with the first husband instead of the boyfriend after him.
35. I have never done any kind of illegal drugs
36. I see no reason to ever try
37. I'm a closet "Mozart" fan
38. I was on drill team in high school.
39. My uniform still fits.
40. Kinda
41. I love chick flicks
42. Stitch is my favorite character
43. I used to have Stitch on the bumper of my car.
44. I have a bobblehead stitch on my dash.
45. I sleep with a stuffed Stitch
46. I have a Stitch collection
47. I was afraid of rodents
48. I now own a hamster
49. He is getting really old.
50. I used to like cats
51. Until someone stole my best friend.
52. Now I tolerate cats
53. I'm a dog person
54. I want to own a Papillon one day
55. I love diet Coke with Lime
56. I hate Coke
57. I love Pepsi
58. I used to weigh 175 pounds
59. I used to drink 64 ounces of Pepsi a day
60. I switched to water
61. I lost over 30 pounds doing that.
62. I own a bowling ball
63. Used to bowl on a league and don't know why
64. My bowling average has gone from 103 to 105.
65. I'm getting better with my new ball.
66. I had a hysterectomy September 9, 2003
67. I wonder if it was worth it?
68. I love the color pink
69. I never wear pink.
70. I'm going to start making quilts
71. Need to make 4 for Christmas
72. I don't have a sewing machine.
73. I think I need to get one.
74. Our betta fish died after living almost 4 years.7
5. Borderline shopping addict
76. Used to listen to only heavy metal music
77. Now listen to country along with metal
78. I used to have a boyfriend who was a drummer.
79. I have always been attracted to the drummer.
80. Love the convenience store beef and bean burritos with taco sauce
81. I collect snowmen, lighthouses and Prayers and Promises by Demdaco
82. I have a small circle of close friends
83. I could say that it got smaller a year ago.
84. I have one person I can call my best friend
85. Not sure what to put here
86. Robert has been my dearest friend for 20 years.
87. He is the only man who has never hurt me
88. I love dearly
89. I can't click my tounge
90. I was a camp counselor
91. I haven't ridden a horse in 16 years.
92. I love Ducati motorcycles
93. Never ridden one though
94. I've never been overseas.
95. I love reading Jude Deveraux
96. I'm fascinated by 16th century castles.
97. I used to hate Christmas
98. I'm starting to like it again
99. I love to cook
100. I very seldom use measuring utensils when I cook
101. My kitchen is my domain.
102. My kitchen is decorated in grapes.
103. I need to finish painting the wall behind the fridge
104. I make great homestyle food.
105. I want to own a restaurant someday
106. All comfort and homemade foods.
107. Phantom of the Opera is my newest obsession
108. Gerard Butler can eat crackers in my bed anytime
My weekend plans have changed. I was going to head over to Seattle and have lunch with my friend, Laine, but somethings have come up for her and we are having lunch next weekend. BTW...Love you Laine and I'm here if you need to talk. (((((hugs)))))
Now to figure out what I want to do...I'm thinking yard sales. I love yard sales. :) I need to mow the lawn, pull the weeds, water my plants, clean my house, do the laundry, change the cat box, do the dishes, vaccum everywhere, sweep and mop the floors....but....screw it!!! It will be there Sunday. LOL

Monday, June 12, 2006

What a weekend. You can safely say it borderline sucked. I'm glad it's over. My arm was killing me all weekend. One good thing happened though. Well a couple of things. I got some great clothes at the Lighthouse on Saturday. Lighthouse=thrift store.
I went grocery shopping with my mom and the girls yesterday. While perusing the aisles I walked past a man. Not just any man but a quite good looking man. He smiled at me, I smiled at him. This happened various times while perusing the aisles. K decided she wanted a mocha from St*rbucks so I said "sure". This quite good looking man stopped and chatted with me for a bit and then went on his way. At that point I decided to take the bull by the horns and write down my phone number. Being the borderline coward that I am...K took it over to him while he was in the produce section. boldness paid off. He called me last night. :) After my last fiasco with a man you would think I wouldn't even want to do this again. After my last post you would think I wouldn't want to do this. I guess I still believe in Cinderella. I'm such a sap. LOL

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Love, relationships and marriage. It's all a flipping game created just to mess with your heart and mind. Love does not exist. It's just a fantasy to give us delusions of grandeur. Relationships....well don't get me started on those. They are not a 50/50 thing. One party is the giver and one is the taker. Period. Compatibility? Give me a freaking break. People are not compatible. What it comes down to is one of the two in the relationship gives in and becomes who they aren't to make the relationship work. Marriage...well that is just a joke and what is the point? Why spend the thousands of $$$ for a wedding when the damn marriage will end? Save the money and go on vacation. At least you won't have any regrets.
I have a damn wedding gown in my house that I wish to hell I knew what to do with it. I sit back and think..."Why in the hell did I buy all of this crap when the wedding was never going to take place to begin with???" I have the whole freaking wedding outfit!!! Am I ever going to wear it? Nope. Do I ever want to wear it? NO!!!!!!!!!! I want to burn the damn thing but it's too pretty for that. I've tried giving it away and can't find anyone to take it. I will try selling it in a yard sale but I'm sure it will still be around at the end of the day.
Stupid ass wedding gown and veil...a total waste of money and time. Then again so is love, relationships and marriage. What made me think when I bought all of it that it wasn't going to be a waste of time? I really need to get out of fantasyland and forget all of the fairy tales and dreams. They do not live happily ever after. Cinderella still scrubs floors, cleans fireplaces, feeds the animals, cooks the meals and cleans the house. Prince Charming does nothing but go to work and come home wanting his dinner, his house clean and his wife "whore" in bed waiting for him looking every bit as sexy as he wants her to look. In the end...he still runs off with Barbie, Karen, Sue or Candy.
If that is love...I'll pass.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Wondering about my date on Sunday aren'tcha? LOL Well wonder no more. The guy was an ass. Plain and simple. All he talked about was sex or there were sexual innuendo's. After lunch...he wanted to pull off onto a secluded road...we were up in the mountains...and have sex. HELLO!!! I told him no. When he asked why, I explained that I had made a vow to myself to not have sex until I was married or in a serious and committed relationship. His response to that? "Well vows are meant to be broken". I don't think so!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say...I won't be seeing him again. Men....all of them are schmucks. friends aren't but men I date....schmucks.
My parents are going to be here tomorrow evening. This is a good thing. I still have some stuff to finish around the house but all in looks good. I decided that I needed to paint part of my living room on Sunday. Not the brightest thing....LOL One more wall to paint and I'll be done. It's a nice merlot color. Now to buy the soft beige'y sand color for the other walls and hall. I may live in a single wide mobile home but it looks great. :)
Our mama cat when psycho on me yesterday so she has been booted. For some insane reason she thought I was a tree and launched herself onto my right leg. Once I got over that shock I looked over at the couch and she had put her front paws on the couch and was hissing at J. J wasn't even doing anything!!! Just watching TV and eating a snack. Needless to say...the cat was almost a frisbee. No way will I let her back in. The kittens are weaned and eating solid food. I could have dealt with her thinking I was a tree. Something may have startled her...but to go after my baby? Not just no but HELL NO!!! I'll see how she is when I get home from work...stupid cat.

Friday, June 02, 2006

It has been a tough week for me. Even though it was short...still hard. Finding out about the death of my father really sucked. I've been on an emotional roller coaster all week and I'm thankful the week is over. I have finally come to the point where I am no longer in love with Darren and holding onto some hope of him being back in my life. I realized it on Monday night when he canceled getting together Memorial weekend. It's ok though. I truly believe that is what God's will was for the weekend. It was Him saying...ok Tracey...time to let go. Gosh He has been doing that a lot lately. LOL
When Darren called and said he wouldn't be coming by it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my heart. I felt free...a feeling I hadn't felt in years. I know I've said it before but I think I was just saying the things I was so I wouldn't look like a total idiot for still loving him. Deep down, the love was still there and I had no clue how to let it go. Having the blinders taken off took it away and quickly. I don't hate Darren and we will still keep in touch but now I am not afraid to date or explore the possiblities of being in another relationship.
Speaking of relationship...someone is coming to meet me on Sunday. I'm not jumping into anything but so far so good. I'll let ya'll know Sunday night. :)

Thursday, June 01, 2006

I will one day find love again. I finally found my release...even though I've been saying it for the past year and 1/2. It's finally over. My heart finally got it's release this last weekend. I had to see it for myself. I couldn't accept it by friends and family telling me. Everything became crystal clear Monday night. As soon as plans were cancelled...yet was like the light bulb went off and the love I was still holding onto disappeared. I now have hope. Hope of finding the love I deserve. A man who will think the world of me and will only have eyes for me. It's nice to finally be free. Free to move on and pursue things I never thought I could persue again. This is a good thing. :)