Tuesday, February 27, 2007


I went to the Lighthouse yesterday. It is a thrift store where all of the clothes, shoes and purses are $1.00. I picked up 2 pairs of pants, a black sweater and 3 shirts. One of the shirts is a tank top. I wore the tank top to work today. I did not realize how low cut this tank top it. Not a top to wear to work but I'm doing pretty good with covering my cleavage with the sweater. Yes!!! I have cleavage. LOL I've never had it before. Sad thing is...I may end up losing my cleavage. Ah well...it's fun for now.

I've hit a bleh spot in life. Nothing really good happening. Nothing really bad happening. I hate that. I did have a horrible moment last night while chatting with a friend of mine. While I know he was trying to get me to smile it was starting to really irritate me. Since my views on life have changed it seems that everyone believes I need to be up all the time and never have a down moment. I'm sorry but I am human. I still get upset over things. I still get bummed about things. I even cry sometimes. Ok...that isn't often. I do try to find the positive in a negative situation and I'm pretty good at it. It's taken me a long time to get to where I'm for the most part a very happy person. But people need understand I cannot always be cheery and happy 100% of the time. Things do get to me. I get angry, I get frustrated and I will vent about whatever the situation is. I feel as if I have been put upon a pedestal that I truly do not want to be on. I do want to be viewed as the one people can come to and count on in a crisis but I also want to be viewed as human and I can falter/stumble/have emotions just as others do. If I am to ever truly open up and be a person who isn't viewed as cold and incapable of emotions...please let me find that within myself again. Don't expect Miss Polly Primrose all of the time. Let me be me...whoever that is.

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Dalai stopped it...

It is frustrating to type out a post that took darned close to an hour to compose and have it disappear into the blog abyss. Yes...that happened to me yesterday. It was a vent blog and I was livid to say the least. It was about seeing someone on Saturday that I truly don't care to ever lay eyes on again. *shudder* But...I digress into why the Dalai stopped it. Ok...I'm not saying he had anything to do with it but work with me on this.

I came into work today all bleh. I have a desk calendar on my desk...fancy that will you? It is "Insight from the Dalai Lama". What would Saturday's insight be? Let me share it...

"To be aware of a single shortcoming within oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in somebody else. Rather than speaking badly about people and in ways that will produce only friction and unrest in their lives, we should preactice a purer perception of them, and when we speak of others, speak of their good qualities. If you find yourself slandering anybody, first imagine that your mouth is filled with excrement. It will break you of the habit quickly enough."

WOW!!! Can you say that I'm actually glad that the post went into the blog abyss? Seeing how the woman I do not like continues to read this blog...I'm sure that all hell would have broken loose. Granted...I said nothing bad about her but you know how narcissists are. It's all about them and no one is ever hurt by their actions.

I do have a difficult time in finding good qualities in certain people. I really do...especially when they do nothing but hurt people and think nothing of their actions. Try as I might...can't find the good. I know that one day I may see it but for now...I can't. I know I will never be like the Dalai but it is nice to be able to strive to live the way he says we should.

Friday, February 16, 2007

What to do with the boobs...

Had my appointment today. It went as well as I could expect. There weren't any changes in the lump I have and he did find another one in my right breast. We discussed genetic testing and removing my breasts all together. I really like my doctor. He will answer my questions and take time with me to help me understand what is going on and could happen. I've set up an appointment for another mammogram on March 8th but I will also be meeting with another doctor for genetic counseling. Dr. Monson wants me to look at all paths before even considering mastectomies. He did mention tamoxofin but I want to do some research on that before I start taking more meds. I'm already on estropipate which is a hormone.

This whole thing has me a bit freaked out. I teared up abit while driving back to Sherri's but regained my composure. I don't want to lose it yet. I don't want to lose it at all. I need to be strong throughout all of this. This is my life and I've become so strong in the past couple of years. I can't fail myself now. Dr. Monson fully understands my worries though seeing how we don't know my entire family history. I'm a high risk with having a birth mother who was premenopausal breast cancer but I'm even higher without the knowledge of my grandmother or aunts medical history. I only know my birth mothers. I know nothing of my birth fathers history. To be perfectly honest...I will listen to the genetic doctor. I will ask a million questions but I have to be honest with myself. Do I want to take a medicine that could have some serious adverse effects on me or do I just want to have my breasts removed and alleviate the fears? I have another 3 weeks to wait before I know. In the meantime...I will do all the research I can. At this point...it's all I can do.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Letting go

I've let go of the anger towards everyone who has hurt me. All but one. What is it about her that keeps the anger there? Why can I not forgive her? What she did to me was nothing more than an act of betrayal. Showing me that she was never in fact what someone would consider a true honest friend. Is it her that I can't forgive or is it me that I cannot forgive?

After years of throughly disliking this person I befriended her. Even against the advice of many who said she will one day stab me in the back like she has done to everyone who enters her life. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt and chose to believe there was good in her. That was not a good choice for my life. It is the one thing in life I regret. We shouldn't have regrets in life and for the most part...I don't. None but her. While I learned some very valuable lessons through my experiences with her I can't help but think that maybe I could have learned them in other ways.

I need to face that I made a very unwise decision in trusting this person. Even though, through her, I've learned that not all people are trustworthy and if given the chance there are people will use you and stab you in the back. Maybe it was my life's plan to befriend this woman. That I was meant to have her hurt me so I could learn that not everyone is looking out for my best interests. No matter if they say they are my friend, want the best for me and love me.

Life is difficult at best. Our choices make us who we are. Our thoughts, whether concious or subconcious, bring our lifes lessons and experiences to fruition. At the time the friendship began my thoughts of what I deserved brought exactly that into my life. Even though I didn't voice them, they became my reality. I didn't believe I deserved true friends who would never hurt me no matter what I did. Even though it was a subconcious thought and I would have never admitted that. Upon reflection of the past few years I can say that is exactly what I thought and basically brought my thoughts into reality. WOW!!! How revealing is that??? There is that lightbulb. LOL

Do I still regret the woman who brought incredible hurt into my life? After writing this and really looking at it...not so much. My regret of her will not disappear overnight. I can honestly say it has diminished with this post. I believe that in time she will no longer be one of the major negative forces in my life. I believe that one day I will not be happy that her life is in shambles. For now...Karma is doing enough to her without me giving it my precious energy. Karma doesn't need my help. LOL

Friday, February 09, 2007

The secret

I received an email yesterday from a gentleman I have been conversing with for a few weeks. He told me I needed to watch Oprah. I'm glad he told me. She had The Secret on. If you haven't heard of the Secret I highly recommend checking it out. I haven't gotten the DVD yet but it's on my list of "things to buy with my tax refund".

With just what little I had heard yesterday on Oprah I learned that I had been implementing "the secret" for awhile now. That came as a complete shock to me. It's such a simple thing. Something everyone is capable of doing. If it is so easy...why don't we do it? That is the million dollar question.

Please check out the website. It's not any "cult" thing or religious thing. It's a life thing. A thing that can totally and completely change who you are and where your life is going. What have you got to lose? Nothing. What have you to gain? Everything!!! :)