Thursday, August 23, 2007


Well I went in for a stress test and echocardiogram yesterday. I didn't make it 3 fricking minutes on the treadmill!!! My chest was hurting and so tight I thought I was gonna pass out. You were right wasn't a big deal. The worst part of it all is waiting the 5-7 days for the results. I hate waiting and have all the patience of a gnat.

Today has been a good day for me. Hardly any pain at all. I'm still really tired though. I'm thinking that laying in bed all weekend and eating bon-bon's is in order. Whadda ya think?

BTW...does anyone really know what a bon-bon is?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Not knowing is the worst

I have been in and out of the hospital this week. Reason being? Chest pain and tingling in my left arm. Not a good thing right? I didn't think so either. I got home about an hour ago from my last jaunt to the ER and here is what I know....NOTHING!!! I have had a CT scan, 2 EKG's, 2 chest xrays and multitudes of blood work done. The only thing I do know is that I have not had a heart attack. Well there is good news.

They were going to keep me tonight but the doctor finally said I could go home and that I needed to schedule an appointment a stress/echo test. Oh joy! Oh rapture! I get to go in and let them hurt me some more!!! I hate getting old. It's either that or the stress I'm dealing with from a certain spermdonor who refuses to grow up!

I'm off to bed now with my nitro patch (which by the way helps tremendously) and get some well needed sleep. *sigh*

Friday, August 10, 2007

Drama post...don't say I didn't warn you

Do you ever go back to emails you have received, read then and laugh at the aburdity of it? I got the following comment on my lovinstitch blog February 27, 2006...

"Well, well, the bitch Tracey is at it again. Wanting to slam Kim in anyway possible. Do all you want Tracey. I think everyone should know about you and your past too. Good God, where should I start, with her herpes, no, maybe with her being raped in the asshole, or about her ex-husband *there was private and highly personal stuff here and I refuse to post it* She goes on dates with men and turns them off in the first five minutes by telling them all about her past and all she has been through. She claims to be a Christian but, she has no clue what that is. No Christian would ever type these slanerous things about someone on the internet. I have one thing to say Tracey.... FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!!!! Oh wait, there is more, she dates married men! Then gets chummy with their wife when they find out about it. How pathetic is that? You make me fucking sick. Oh by the way, her new blog is, check out the supposed Christian women on that one."

I was persuing my email today and came across the above. I know exactly who tried to post it. Thank goodness for moderating features. LOL I'm trying to figure out just how the stuff that was said about me makes me pathetic. Let me see...finding out that a man I was dating was actually married and I sought out his wife. Hmmm...that is smart on my behalf.

Being raped anally? Hmmm...not quite my fault now was it? If I was sick enough to ENJOY anal sex like the person who posted the nastiness then would make me pathetic.

Having herpes? Well yes I do have it. The man who gave it to me FAILED to tell me he had it. Does that make me pathetic? Nope. Just poor judgement on my part.

Talking about my past on dates? Everyone has done that and the individual who wrote the nastiness is married to a woman who did the same bloody thing I'm accused of being pathetic for. Interesting.

The individual who wrote the nastiness is married to a woman who had been engaged 4 times in 2 years, slept with 28 different men in 2 years and I have learned that she has cheated on him while they were dating. Makes me wonder just what the basis for judging my "pathetic-ness" is.

When I received the comment I was at a very low point in my life. I know ya'all are saying "Tracey...why do you keep those???". I'll tell you why. I keep them to remind myself of just how far I have come in the past 3 years. That comment was sent to a woman I don't even know anymore. A woman who has finally realized her own self worth. A woman who will not settle for anything or anyone. A woman who made some poor choices and made some bad decisions. I look back now and I can say without a doubt and no hesitation that I would never have made those decisions if I was the woman I am now.

It's interesting how circumstances can determine who you will be mentally. Situations happened that broke me down and I chose to do things I wouldn't have done in a normal state of mind. I'm 3 years out of an abusive relationship. I'm 2 years out of 2 abusive friendships. Do I miss any of them? Not in the least. To be perfectly honest...I am thankful to all 3 of them. Their betrayal caused me to really search my inner self and spirit. I had to take a step back from life and just focus on who I am...not what they were trying to convince me I was. I don't trust easily but with what those 3 people did to me brought me more friends than I could have asked for.

That brings me back to the nastiness written above. Am I pathetic? Not by a long shot. I'm a woman who has made choices. Some bad...some good. Will I allow my future to be dictated by those choices? Not a chance. All I can do is be who I am now. If I am going to be judged by my past mistakes then those people are not who I want in my life. Oh wait....they aren't in my life and I am better for that.