Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Observing and it's a small town *updated*

I learned on Saturday night just how small this town is. Ya'all remember the guy I dated last year (2007) right? Ok...there were two of them. The one I'm talking about here was the last one. R. I won't say his name. I won't smear my blog with his name again. :) Anyway...I have not run into him at all in the last year. That is a lovely thing. Saturday night my lovely moments were not so much a lovely thing. A friend and I decided to go out to Applebee's for appetizers and drinks. They have the most wonderful Pomegranate Margaritas. You should try them. Really...you should. I digress...sorry about that. I got to the restaurant after my friend so I wandered into the dining room and spotted her so what do I do? Well I wander up to her and say HI!!! Not in a quiet way. That is just not me. I'm a boistrous type of person but ya'll already know that right? :)

I sit down and order a drink...Pom Margarita in case you hadn't figured that out yet. All of a sudden, my friend's eyes get huge. I mean HUGE!!! She looks like she had seen a ghost and I thought she had seen a moron she has been kind of seeing since July and been trying to get rid of since August. Nope. I guessed wrong. It was "him". R. Not only was it R but his wife, her parents and his son. Oh you have got to be kidding me!!! Not only did she see them at a table but the table was kitty corner to ours. Lovely.

Despite the urge...I did not turn around. There was not going to be a chance I wanted to look that man in the face. Not after what he did to me. My poor friend had to look at them the whole time. What she told me just about knocked me off of my chair. The wife...who was the ex g/f at the time and lied like there was no tomorrow to get him back...was not quite what my friend had expected. Remember...I have not seen her other than one time when I was still dating R. My friend looked at me and said "She is HUGE!!!". I'm thinking...HUH??? When R got back with this woman he said that she was changing and becoming the woman he wants to be with and is losing weight. Hmmmm...interesting.

Strange as this may seem but there was tension in the air between the tables because even though I did not see them when I walked in...they saw me. Once I knew that they were right behind me...it was a bit uncomfortable. I carried on a conversation with my friend and did my best to ignore the discomfort. I went out to get away from the teen drama occuring at my house and walked right into something that could have been drama filled. I didn't feed into it though. My friend did tell me to look at the wife when they walked out. I did and you could have knocked me over with a feather. She isn't much taller than me but honest to goodness she is as wide as she is tall. I'm not kidding at all with this one. I may embellish sometimes but this time...nope. I am not one to make fun of people who are large. I used to be a large woman myself. No one is perfect and we all have our issues but WOW!!! Honest to goodness...I believe she has gained at least 75 pounds in the past year. I hate to say this but that made my night. Not only did they file for bankruptcy the day after they got married but she has gained a lot weight when she told him she would lose it. Hmmmm....and she doesn't lie? LOL

What does that little scene tell me? That God is watching out for me. He knows what is good for me and what isn't. Even though what R did and the game he played hurt me...it was all for the better. God knew that R wasn't the man for me. God knows better than I do. Sometimes that just bugs me to no end but when things happen like Saturday night...I can't help but thank Him. He stopped my heart from truly being broken and my life being destroyed. I may be alone but I'm alone and happy with my choices and who I am. Life lessons are meant for us to learn about what we want for our lives. They hurt and sometimes bite frozen bananas. In the end...the frozen banana is covered in chocolate and is yummy. :)

I do want to make something crystal clear though. I am in no means making fun of the wife. I won't sink to that level. It's now who I am. What I do want to point out is that Saturday was my full circle for that man. I never got the closure. He refused to ever speak to me once the g/f lied to him. There was no discussion about anything. It was hurtful and cruel. Finding out just what he has gotten into is what I believe to be his "what goes around...comes around". I received a scripture today that really brings this to light. "My experience shows that those who plant trouble and cultivate evil will harvest the same. Job 4:8". No person can treat another human the way he treated me without facing future issues and problems. It's in the Word. There is no avoiding it. I got my closure. I got my peace Saturday night. While it was interesting and did give me a giggle...it was what I needed to finally put that chapter of my life to rest. I no longer have to own it. :)

Monday, December 29, 2008

You have got to be freaking kidding me!!!

9am - Snowing like you would not believe. Huge...I mean...HUGE...flakes.

Noon - sun shining, blue sky, warming up, snow melting. Much better.

3pm - Snow!!!! Wind!!! Freaking cold!!! Snow is not supposed to fall sideways!!! Seriously...just 15 minutes ago the sky was clear and blue. Now? Flags outside of my window are holding on for dear life. Snow is falling SIDEWAYS!!! What in the bloody blazes is going on with this weather???

Look back at my previous post. See that beautiful hotel? See the palm trees? Only 94 days and I'll be there!!! It cannot come soon enough. Really...it can't.

UPDATE from when I posted just 2 minutes ago:

Snowing, gray sky, SUN SHINING!!!! I'll let you figure that one out.







post signature

Monday, December 22, 2008

Look close

See this...?

The Mirage Pictures, Images and Photos

This is where I will be in 101 days. It cannot come soon enough. *soooooo cold!!!!!!*

Brrrr....cold....seriously!!!

It is December 22. Only the beginning of winter. I'm done with winter now. For the past 2 or 3 weeks we have been dealing with absolutely ridiculous temps. I believe it was last week we were -14 with the wind chill. Did you read that right??? NEGATIVE 14!!! That my friends is just not right. There is just no earthly reason why the temps need to get that low. I cannot for the life of me figure out the good things behind it. What was God thinking when He said "Let there be sub zero temperatures"? When I get to heaven I'm going to have a chat with Him about it.

Aside from the weather...all is well within my little home. It's just me and the critters until Thursday though. Kids are gone for a week. Kinda nice. Kinda lonely. I've been falling asleep in my recliner because I don't want to go to bed. How stupid is that? It's not like I've always had someone in my bed. For some odd reason though...since the kids have left...I don't like going to bed alone. Ok Stacey...analyze that one for me. ;)

I believe I have mentioned that the girls and I have to move. If I didn't....we have have to move. My parents are going to be filing bankruptcy (yes...that sucks) and they are filing on the house I'm living in. I'm not worried or concerned about the house. It's an old POS anyway. Not worth what they owe on it. I was worried about a place to live but found a duplex that I can move into. Not in the area I want to be in but still...it's a place to live. While chatting with a client today he said that he has some friends who have rentals in the area I DO want to be in. No commuting the kids to school!!! That would be a blessing!!! I'm not being forced out of where we are so I have a little bit of time. Besides...have I mentioned it's colder than a witches boobie in a brass bra on the shady side of an igloo? Not a chance I would be moving now anyway. We will see what Kelly comes up with. Kelly being the client. It's so nice knowing our clients are kind and caring people. :)

Well..if I don't post before Thursday...

baby jesus & mother mary Pictures, Images and Photos

post signature

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Thanks Nell!!!

Now if only humans could be this compassionate...

post signature

Monday, December 15, 2008

Weekend...

I won't get into it but if you watch this video you just might get the gist of it.



And with that...I am so done. Tired of the games, the leading on, and hurting my heart. It's insane and there is not one man on this planet who is worth all of that. I don't look for these guys. They find me. Well I'm hiding in my cave never to be seen in daylight again by someone who has a penis. This heart is now cold and shut solid.

post signature



PS...Love this song and it totally fits where I am at right now. Not a snowball's chance in hell will my mind be changed about any and all men...this is what ALL of them are.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

How you live

Wake up to the sunlight with your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress, use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
And have what you want, but want what you have
And don't spend your life looking back

Turn up the music Turn it up loud
Take a few chances and let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Looking back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
So go to the ballgames and go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children, dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth 'cause you can't get away, oh no
Face it and you'll be okay

Oh, wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy, and pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
And make peace with God, and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end, there's nobody else






post signature

Monday, December 01, 2008

Get money back when you shop!!!

I wanted to tell you about Ebates, a shopping site that gives you up to 26% Cash Back every time you shop online. You can shop at over 1000 stores including Barnes & Noble.com, Gap, Target, Buy.com and Expedia. Plus you get additional savings with exclusive coupons, free shipping offers, and limited-time sales! Seriously!!! I've done some of my Christmas shopping this way and while I'm not making a fortune...every little bit counts in today's economy. They cut checks 4 times a year so with the purchases you make now will be money in your pocket in February. Who knows what else you may buy between now and then. :) You really have nothing to lose and $$$ to gain.

Sign up with Ebates today and we'll each get a $5 bonus when you make your first purchase!

Click here to sign up: http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?referrerid=8Ja%2B6Uh4SOFA5gro5fEVXw%3D%3D

Happy shopping!

post signature

Need to remember this...

especially right now...


post signature

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Shack

Want a good read? Want to have your life changed? Want to view God in a way you have never viewed him? I guarantee that you will not want to put this book down. Even if you are not a religious person...of which I am NOT...this book has completely changed my life. It is not a book on religion. Read it. You will not regret it.









post signature

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Bugs

I do not like them. The crawly kind of the ones that get into your immune system and totally shut you down. Oh my gosh!!! I had the stomach flu on Tuesday and I thought I was going to die. I even told Brittney, a girl I work with, to tell my boss "Tell Steven I'm going to die". It sucked!!! Stomach cramps, fever, body aches that were worse than I have ever had and I won't get started on the other things that I went through that day. Holy cow Tuesday bit it HUGE!!! I thank God that it was only a 24 hour bug and I was much better yesterday. Still have a cramp from time to time and eating is not high on my list of things to do but other than that...I'm all hunkie dorie. :)

Can you believe that Thanksgiving is next week??? Hello?!?!?! Where did the year go??? I can't say that I'm sad that 2008 is almost over. It hasn't been a fabulous year for me. Not the worst year I've had but all of the medical stuff has put me in a funk for the majority of the year. I am so thankful that I do not have breast cancer though. I went to a healing room last week and that experience was the most intense and amazing thing I have gone through in a very long time. There is no way I can even begin to explain it. I just know that something good happned that day and I believe that the next time I go in for my mammogram and ultrasound that there will no longer be any masses. I fully believe that what you speak will be brought into fruition. As long as I think the negative and speak negative...I'm setting myself up for it to become true. So...I will no longer worry that I have cancer and I will not develop cancer. I can do this. :)

Winter is on it's way my friends. Are you ready?

post signature

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Touching

I'll warn you now...have a tissue ready for this one. Nell didn't have that disclaimer when I watched it on her blog. Thanks Nell. LOL


post signature

Friday, November 07, 2008

Seriously?

Can someone explain to me where fall went? It was here. I know it was. I saw the perty leaves. I felt the crisp mornings but comfortable afternoons. Was it all in my imagination because fricking winter has shown up!!! No snow yet but it's in the air. It is unbelievably cold. I hate being cold but then again...ya'all already knew that. My office has windows the size of San Francisco so you can only imagine the cold taking refuge at my desk. I turn the heater on and I can't hear my music...which brings me to a new artist I have found. I am just amazed at this girl's voice. She sounds a lot like Sarah B on this song but the rest of the CD is fabulous. Check her out at:

http://www.francescamusic.com/

Here is the first song I ever heard of hers. I'll be buying the CD. That was a duh statement wasn't it? ;)

post signature

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Hold fast

One of my all time favorite singers is Michael W. Smith. I've listened to him from the age of 18 til...well....now. The results of the elections last night has really made me think about a lot of things. Where my life is and where I am heading it. No one is placing me on the road I am on. I'm doing it to myself. I'm living my life for me and I'm making such a mess of things. I'm not completely unhappy with my life. I'm doing the best I can but keeping my head just above water is not the way to live. To worry constantly about things is not the way to live. To have the fear of breast cancer foremost in my mind is not the way I want to live. I need more. I need something I can hold onto. To see the light at the end of the tunnel. To know that I am loved unconditionally and the only requirement for me to have complete happiness and know that there is so much more for me in life is to give Him my life. He wants nothing more from me but to love Him and know that He will take care of me. It's not difficult. So why did it take a frightening man to become our president elect to make me realize I need to straighten up?

I am not a religious person and I do not see myself ever being religious. Religion and an intimate and personal relationship with God are two completely different things. My relationship with Him needs to be repaired. I have done so much damage to it. What is tough to wrap my mind around is...He doesn't hold that against me. He loves me anyway and accepts me back with open arms. How can I be worthy of that? I'm not. I'm just thankful He looks past everything and forgets it.

There is a song Michael W. Smith sings that I believe every Christian needs to hold onto during this time in American history. It's called "I will be here for you". I truly believe things are going to get bad before they get better. As long as we know that God will not test us beyond what we can handle and keep our eyes upon His light and that He is watching out for us...we will not fall. It's just not taking it into our hands and fouling it up that we need to be careful of. There is a plan...we just need to have faith.

post signature

Class

As we all know...McCain did not win the Presidential election. I was watching the elections last night and it was amazing how quickly things changed. Granted...it wasn't even a close race from the beginning but I thought I could flip through channels before someone got to 270. I flipped the channel and when I went back to MSNBC...less than 5 minutes later...it was over. I will admit that I teared up. Not from happiness but disappointment and disgust. Our new president elect is not the man I was hoping would be in office. While neither of them were the best choice as our Commander in Chief...one was a little better. That candidate did not win. Our country voted based upon race. Not for what the man stood for. I've heard how people voted for him just because he is black. They didn't even know what his stance on issues were. are you flipping kidding me??? You vote a man into the highest office in the country just because he is black? Our country is in a lot of trouble. It was in trouble before the elections but now with a known liar in office...we are heading down a road that only his supporters can take responsibility for.

Here is John McCain's concession speech. Very classy and eloquent. I'm proud to say I voted for this man.

post signature

Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween!!!

Have a safe and fabulous Halloween!!!

happy halloween Pictures, Images and Photos

post signature

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Smart little Stitch

Things are progressing here. I've made some calls and the ball is rolling. I'm so relieved that we are going to get the help our house needs. All 3 of us have some serious healing to do. I believe that once that occurs we will be a stronger and closer little family than we could ever think was possible. As Stitch says "This is my family. It's little...and broken...but still good. Yeah...still good"

post signature

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Hidden pain



Yesterday was a rough day. A lot of talking and crying. It breaks my heart to see my daughter in so much pain. What really cuts into my heart and soul is that I have caused part of her pain. I know that I have a lot of wrong things with her. Things that were done out of anger towards her father and his household. All I can do is apologize to her for those wrongs and I did do that yesterday. It was a difficult thing to admit to myself. I know I'm not a perfect mom and I will admit to my faults. To know that I am part to blame for how angry my daughter is just tears me up. My anger and frustration with her father should have never been put upon her shoulders. I feel so guilty and I need to find a way to work through that.

I'm calling to set up some counseling for her. At least she agreed to that. I was so thankful by the time the conversation was done. It was a civilized talk and no yelling. That is a first for us. Maybe we are both growing up and learning. It's going to be a difficult time in my home for awhile. I know that with a lot of work and even more understanding we can get through this.

post signature

I'm playing with my formatting. Sorry for all of the tests and whatever other nonsense that may come across. ;)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Amazing when you go to the source

I just got off of the phone with the one woman I try to not talk to. K's stepmother. I had called her father and got his voicemail. It's October and he is usually gone hunting. When I spoke with the SM I found out something quite interesting. Seems that the blatant disregard for rules is not just in my home. It's in theirs also. The SM is a nurse and sometimes she is on-call. A duh statement right? Apparently that doesn't matter with K. Last time she was at their house she snuck the phone into her bedroom and was making phone calls after 10pm. Excuse me??? That is a no-no in my home and from what I know of her father...it's the same rule. No late night phone calls. Especially when someone is on-call for their job. I asked the SM to please keep the lines of communication open with me as I am very worried about K. I told her that I've read some emails that K has written about her boyfriend and her which are very concerning to me. I also asked that they be on the same page as I am with the grounding because this needs to be stopped now. She said she has 3 teenagers at home so she understands. When I mentioned Myspace she stopped me and said that K will not be allowed on the computer. I told her that K is grounded for 2 weeks and then explained in more detail why. The only thing that is saving K's butt this weekend at his house is her birthday party. If it wasn't for that I have a feeling she wouldn't be doing anything at all.

Last night when I picked her up from volleyball she wanted to know why I wasn't in a good mood. When I told her that I don't appreciate getting calls at work telling me that she is in trouble again. Her mood went from happy to completely pissed off. She was informed that she was grounded for 2 weeks which means no phone and no computer. I told her that she will do her chores and then I will make a list of things for her to do around the house. Once that was said she tried to justify her actions and telling me that even the teacher who called me thinks the rule is stupid. K went on to inform me that other kids will hold hands and kiss in the halls or rooms but they don't get in trouble. I don't really care about the other kids. My concern is K. She is developing a complete disregard for the rules and it has to be stopped. She did not like me much when I told her that. I was smart though and the last thing I said to her before we got home was "You will NOT take your anger out on me, J, or the dog. You will NOT slam doors or throw anything." Of course she had a smartassed comment. I repeated what I said to her and that was the end of the conversation. I'm seriously worried about her. I understand teen angst but she is going beyond that. She is mean and will kick the dog, yell at J for no reason, talk back to adults, lie and the list goes on. I'm hoping that getting her on some form of medication to balance her out with the periods and mood swings will help. Right now...it's the only thing I have to hold on to.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Vodka and a straight jacket anyone?

If you have the above please send them to me. I am a mom to an almost 14 year old girl. She has a boyfriend whom I have yet to meet. He did get help get her in trouble today. They were holding hands at school and that is a no-no. This was the second time they were caught. A referral soon followed. Detention will be going hand in hand with that referral. That referral also warranted a phone call to me here at work. I'm a pissed off mom.

My daughter is spiraling out of hand at this point. Her boyfriend is touching her in places no 14 year old should be touching. Friends are daring her to touch his...dare I say it....balls while they are in between classes. She is talking about making out with him with her friends. Am I worried? Oh you have no idea. She is working very hard on obtaining a reputation at school and it won't be a good one.

I was informed by my teenager yesterday that she is embarrassed by me and the fact that we are poor. She is angry at me because I have been preoccupied with my health for the past few months. She is angry at me because we live in a single wide trailer. She is angry at me because I breathe. I asked my boss when was it that I became satan. He said "The day she turned 13." Lovely.

She is pushing me to points where honestly I have no clue what to do. I know I need to get her emotional roller coaster under control. It is complete madness the week before she starts her period. I'm going to take her to the doc and see if we can't fix this. The stress is just too much to deal with. It isn't affecting only me but Jordin. She is afraid of her own sister and will give in to her just to keep the peace. I'm getting to the same point. We try to stay away from her or not say anything that we think or know will piss her off. Talk about walking on eggshells all of the time. It's just insane. I hate being on a roller coaster when it comes to my kid and her emotions. One minute she is fine. The next we have plunged into the darkest abyss I have ever been in. I'm losing my daughter and I need to get her back. I'm just hoping that the doc can do something. If not...my family is going to fall apart. I can't let that happen. I just can't.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Decisions and just what do I do?

Went to see the surgeon yesterday. Thankfully it was at the end of the day instead of the beginning. At least I got to enjoy the day before my mind became a mush pot. Lots of details, explanations and different routes to take with this surgery. Right now I'm so messed up in my head and overwhelmed with the decisions I need to make. Difficult decisions that I really wish I wasn't making on my own. I wish I had a husband to talk to. Even a boyfriend would be nice. Someone I could bounce thoughts off of and get his thoughts. I know that ultimately it's my decision but to have someone who loves me and is standing behind me in all that I do would be a great help. I have my friends and they have been amazing. I just hate burdening them with this crap when they have their own lives and issues to contend with. Mark with his damage from hurricane Ike for instance. That is a big thing for him. He doesn't need my whining when he has big stuff going on also.

Being a single mom isn't easy. Sometimes it flat out sucks. Being alone every night I go to bed? Difficult at best. Lonely as hell. There is only one silver lining at this point. I don't have cancer and this is a decision I don't need to make immediately. Maybe for now I just need to put it on the back burner and not think about it. At least for awhile...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Yes? No?

That would be a big fat...

NO CANCER!!!

I called the doctor's office today and the nurse was out but the nurse who answered the phone gave me the results. On the right there are fibrocystic masses. Well that was news to me!!! On the left there are masses and while they weren't fibrocystic they did not present as worrisome to the doctor. YEAH!!! I did leave a message to have my nurse call me. I'm still going through with the bilateral mastectomy. I CANNOT go through this stress every 6 months or even every year. It was and is just too much for me to handle.

I'm really thinking I want to wait until after our trip to Vegas in April. I guess it all depends on when I can get the reconstruction. Save that subject for after my conversation with Kristi. :) For now...

NO CANCER!!!!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Just when you think...

That all is lost...you find that little bit of faith you thought you lost in humanity. Today I was given just a bit of my lost faith back. A woman that I met at the church I used to attend (yes...I used to go to church...wipe that shocked look off of your face...sheesh) saw me walking into work today so she had to yell at me to get my attention. I was focused don't ya know? She wanted to know what was going on and how I was doing. I told her about the MRI on Friday and where things stood with that. She asked if I had health insurance and was stunned to find out that I didn't and can't even get help through the state without quitting my job. She said she is keeping me in her prayers and then said she is going to get to work on a fundraiser for me. HUH? What did you say? I said FUNDRAISER! My pride was pushed aside and accepted her offer. How can I not? I'm facing medical bills that will meet or exceed $20,000. Hello. I don't make that much in 2 freaking years!!!

Fast forward to a couple of hours later. A client walks into the office to pay her bill. A client that I know is very well connected here in the valley. She knows a lot of people. I mean A LOT!!! She used to work for one of the television stations here in town. I mentioned what Dianne (the angel from church) said she is wanting to do for me and what does my client say? Let me know what the plan is and I will start making calls. Again...HUH? Seriously my friends...there are some amazingly wonderful people out there. They want to help. All that needs to be done is swallowing your pride and accept the help. That is exactly what I'm doing. Swallowing my pride and accepting.

On that same train of thought...I got a call today. A return call from a phone call I made...oh...6 months ago. SERIOUSLY??? Ok. They aren't so prompt at returning calls but I won't complain because it was about weatherization for my house. I have an appointment Monday and someone is going to come out to look at my house and see if it qualifies to be weatherized. Holy cow!!! That would mean new windows and new central air and heat. Wouldn't that just be fabulous? Well...for me it would be. My A/C went out twice this summer and on the hottest days of the year. Nothing like a house that is 90+ degrees inside. Like sleeping in a tin can. I'm happy. Maybe the windows will be repaired and all will be well other than getting new flooring and painting. When that is done...I will have a decent home. One I won't be embarassed or ashamed to have people come over to. That is a good thing.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Friday October 10th...off to Seattle I go

Yep...I am heading to Seattle on the 10th. Not for any kinds of fun and excitement though. Well...I will be a little loopy after noon that day. I'm going in for my MRI. Seeing how I am completely and totally claustrophobic...they are going to drug me. A "mild" sedative. Whatever. That is what they said when I was heading in for my hyster. Once they introduced the sedative into my IV I was out before they even wheeled me to the door. I'm a serious pansyass when it comes to medication. One vicodin and I'm out. WHEE!!! So with that said...I will be bringing someone to drive me home. Hopefully I will be back to normal after a 2 1/2 hour drive.

Once the MRI is out of the way and my Doc has read it I will be scheduling the surgery. I've decided that if there isn't cancer to be found...I will put off surgery until after April. I will be off of work for 2 weeks and I will have one week vacation coming to me in April. Not getting paid for a week is so much easier than 2. All is going to be good for me.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Crocodile rock

Don't even tell me ya'all don't remember that song. It's on the radio right now and I'm remembering when life was so much easier. No worries other than the Friday night game and dances at the civic center. Being 17 was such an amazing year for me. I loved being carefree and living life to the fullest. I had a lot of friends, my drivers license, a car and my parents would give me money for gas, going out and clothes. No bills and no expenses I had to pay on my own. Yes...I was spoiled. I didn't have to work and could sleep in on the weekends without kids or a dog yelling at me. Medical concerns weren't even part of my thought processes. Now it's almost 25 years later and those carefree, no responsibility days are long gone.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about where my life is heading in the next few months. Never in my 41 years did I imagine taking the road I am on. Don't get me wrong...I'm not regretting making the decision I have made. I won't lie though...it's overwhelming sometimes. I'm relieved to be getting the MRI and then scheduling the surgery. Relieved and a bit scared. Ok...a lot scared. I know I will be living without breasts for a little while and that is going to be a mindtrip in and of itself. I do plan on getting reconstruction so thankfully the mindtrip won't be for the rest of my life. When I do my monthly BSE I can still feel the original lump that started me on this trip but...I can now feel the lump that the doctor found in March. Then I get to the right breast. Nothing there. At least nothing that shouldn't be. It's so weird. I know...TMI. LOL

Life takes unexpected turns. Some good. Some not so great. It's the not so great ones we really need to take a look at and learn to turn it into a positive. Life will be so much more pleasant if we do.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

What to think...?

I have so many different things going through my head. To learn that I'm going to be able to get the MRI and then surgery has really put my mind in a spin. I never truly thought it would happen. I had given up. Then from out of nowhere an angel kisses my forehead. That kiss has put me in a position I am truly thankful for but...terrified to be in. With all of the roadblocks I've hit in trying to pay for this stuff I didn't prepare myself for when it happened. It's overwhelming but in a good way.

While talking to the nurse the other day I forgot to ask her some questions. Yes...the fear factor kicked in. One question just rolled into another and another and another. I only wanted to know what the recovery time would be. After multiple surgeries on my tummy I figured it was going to be at least 6 weeks. When she told me 2 weeks at the most, I just about fell off of my chair. Really? I can do 2 weeks. No problem. With the kids, Natalie and possibly Wendy during the nights and David during the days while the kids are at school...I can do that. Piece of cake.

More questions came out of my mouth after that though.

Had Dr. Monson done this surgery before? Yes and many times.

Were they women who had cancer or women being proactive? Almost an equal balance of both.

Do I need to tell him before surgery if I want reconstruction? Yes that would be a good idea.

Do I have reconstruction in Wenatchee? No. That will be done in Seattle because they don't have someone in Wenatchee that my doctor would recommend.

What about pain? While there is pain after surgery, obviously, there are a lot of women who report little to no pain at all and don't even use their pain meds.

I'm sure I will think of more questions to ask before the day of surgery but those were foremost in my mind. For now I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this is going to happen. I'm excited, nervous, terrified, sad and every other emotion out there. I'm angry that I even have to think of doing this. Sad that I'll be losing my breasts (kind of sad but not too much). Excited at the thought of almost completely eradicating my chance of developing BC. There is still a very very small chance but I'm willing to take that chance. Nervous at what my body will look like once everything is all said and done. Perky boobs again!!! Seriously? I haven't had perky boobs since I had kids. Terrified to see my body without breasts for the first time. That one really has me a bit freaked. What will I think? How will I feel? I know I won't regret it but it's still a scary thing to see myself without my mamm's.

Now the question is...when do I want to do the surgery? Before or after Vegas? LOL

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

MRI's and removals

I got a call from my nurse today. Found out a few things. One...The breast and cervical health program does not help pay for MRI's. I knew this. What I didn't know was...if the MRI finds that there is any cancer within one of the lumps they will pay for my surgery. Seriously. That is what they said. I was stunned. So with that said...I will be getting my MRI sometime really soon. Even if there isn't cancer cells in the lumps I will continue with my plan to remove my breasts. I can apply for Compassionate Care through the hospital where I'll have the surgery and get the bill decreased or possibly paid off.

So for those of you who do not believe in miracles...you are now witnessing one. :)

More than one way to skin a cat

I don't get that saying. How can you skin a cat more than one way? Seriously. Anyway...there is a point to that saying in this instance. While looking at my website I saw an advertisement at the top for government grants. Me being the inquisitive one...I decided to do some checking. Looks like there are legitimate programs out there which are government run who hand out money left and right in the form of grants. I like that word. Grant. Grant means no paying it back. Always a good thing. So me...in my infinite wisdom thought "Well why can't the government grant me some money?" I'm a single mom. I'm uninsured in regards to healthcare. I'm below the poverty level. I should be able to get some help.

I've also decided to apply for Habitat for Humanity. I'm just hoping that if I'm chosen that the house will be out in the area I live in. I really don't want to change school districts for the kids. We will see how the meeting goes. It's October 9th with the application needing to be turned in the following week. Would mean a lot of work for me (500 hours of volunteering to build the house) but it would be worth it. Getting into a HFH home would save me almost $200/month so that is a definite bonus if I'm chosen. If it's meant to be...it will happen. If not...I know that there are better things on the horizon for me. I just need to be patient and allow them to happen.

Other than all of that stuff...not much going on. Emailing/texting a couple of men. Taking things one day at a time. I don't future trip anymore. Gets me into trouble and always breaks my heart. My heart can't take anymore breakage. I just want to meet one man who will prove to me that he is not like all of the others...complete schmucks. Not a lot to ask...right?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Changes

People can change. I have witnessed it and experienced it. Take me for example...am I the same woman I was 4 years ago? Not even remotely close. Honestly? I have no clue who that woman was. All I can remember about her was that she was extremely unhappy and did not see any way out of her unhappiness. Thankfully there were some friends who held onto her, stuck by her side while she was making stupid mistakes knowing full well that she was hurting and reacting from that pain and they helped her see the light at the end of the tunnel. That woman died sometime in the past 4 years. I cannot honestly tell you when because it was a gradual death. Bit by bit she stopped breathing and the woman who I am today took over.

Change does not happen overnight. A person cannot become who they were meant to be in a 24 hour time span. It takes mistakes, successes, enlightenment and support from people who love them. Through that growth period there are going to be people who drop out of the circle of friends. People who don't like the changes they are seeing in someone. I've come to the opinion that those people leave because it makes their own faults and foibles so glaringly painful to them. They need negative people around them so they don't have to focus on just how unhappy their lives are. They can cover their trials with a game face so to speak. Pretend that they aren't a miserable person. As long as they don't have to face their demons...they don't exist. They don't exist until they see a friend decide to pluck up the courage to pull themselves from the abyss and get their life in order. Once they see that happen...they will do everything within their power to end the friendship so they don't have to deal with their own black hole of a life. It's sad there are people who do not want their friends to change and grow as a person. I know this all too well from my personal experiences.

Changing as a person is a good thing if you take that change in a positive direction. A negative direction needs no definition. I experienced a positive change in someone last night. It brought me to tears and even this morning when I was thinking about it I was tearing up. People change. Some for the good. Some for the bad. The only way to see that change is to get to know the person. See them for who they are now. Not who they were then. If everyone were to do that...we would be a much happier people.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Is today Monday?

Seriously. Not one bloody thing has gone right today. Hair is awful. Clothes I wanted to wear looked horrible on me. Payroll check was minus a week because I was sick. A girl here in the office ate my lunch. She offered me her leftover sushi. WTF? I don't even like sushi. Isn't today just lovely?

I spoke with the nurse at the clinic today about my MRI and surgery. She is doing some checking to see what resources I have to get the MRI. She told me that the surgery can be sent through the compassionate care program at the hospital. It's a program that will either pay off the bill or lower it based upon income. I'm not stressed about the surgery. I'm stressed about not being able to get the fricking MRI!!! I did ask the nurse why the need for the MRI before surgery and she said so the doctor will know which way to go. If there are cancerous cells then he would remove the breasts and then proceed with chemo. No cancerous cells? Just remove the breasts and let me heal. She did explain MRI's to me. The MRI gives them a much better picture of the breast and if there are little critters in the lumps. Much better than a mammo or an ultrasound.

I never thought I would say this but...

I WANT THE FRICKING MRI!!!

Can I cry now?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Weekends are meant for family, friends, fairs and Phantom

Ok...Phantom starts with a P but it sounds like an F. Cut me some slack ok? Sheesh. The weekend was amazing aside from a bit of a situation with a 9 year old prima donna. We moved past it though. At least for the weekend. Good heavens I hope this is just a stage she is going through.

The drive to Seattle was uneventful but gorgeous. I love driving over Snoqualmie when the leaves are starting to change their colors. Lunch in North Bend with a short trip into "Coach" and then we headed to Sabrina's. What??? Do you honestly think I won't go into a purse store? Please. After what seemed like forever...we meaning me...of doing the hair we were off to dinner. Look at this picture:

Yes...I had to put my hair up. I just had to do a little experiment and see what would happen. It happened. Sabrina and I both noticed it. Stares and lots of double takes. It's official. I look like Sarah Palin. Even a client came into the office yesterday looking at me and then said "I knew I knew someone who looked like Sarah Palin!!!" LOL

Phantom was AMAZING!!! The girl who played Christine Daae has a voice from heaven. Out of the 3 shows I've seen...this was the best by far. The Paramount Theater is heaven to look at. I would love to see a show there again. Hmmm....maybe I will if one comes up that I feel the need to see.

Saturday we were going to head to the Seattle Waterfront and Pike Place Market. Sabrina changed our minds. She said that the Puyallup Fair was going. Well duh!!! Fair food!!! I will always choose fair food over wandering and people watching. After walking around a fair that is the largest I had ever been to I came to one conclusion...this will be an annual thing for me and the girls. The food was awesome, the grounds were clean, people weren't completely rude, I got a great buy on 400 thread count sheets (doesn't everyone buy bed sheets at the fair?) and in general it beats the hell out of the Central Washington State Fair that is here in Yakima.

Exhaustion reigned on Sunday. I was a complete spaghetti noodle for most of the day. After 2 days of being on the go I needed to rest. All in all...it was a fabulous weekend and one that was well worth the 3 month wait. Now? Phantom in NYC and London. :)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A must listen


After lots of research and talking to a man whom I thought was my uncle...I find out that the man whom I thought was my "father" was infact sterile. He passed away when I was 19 so I will never be able to talk to him about it. My birth mother slept around and apparently there were 2 men she slept with in July 1966. Seeing how the man she said was my father really isn't...I deducted that the other one is my father. He has a son named JR. I learned through my sister that he is a country singer trying to make it in Nashville. I added JR to my Myspace and have since found out that there are some major recording labels who are really interested in him. I am so impressed with him and if he truly is my brother (which in my heart I've always felt that he was...I learned of him when I was 19) then I will be the proudest sister around. Give him a listen. He is quite good and I truly hope and pray he makes it big. :)

Pancakes and POTO

This weekend is going to be one I have looked forward to for months. I bought tickets to see Phantom back in June so you can only guess that it's been driving me batty just waiting for Sept 12th. Once I see this show it will be the 3rd time. I have only 2 more productions of POTO to see and I'll be happy. Broadway and London. I was thinking that seeing it on Broadway on a Thursday night, fly out to London on Friday and see the show on Saturday. Wouldn't that just be too cool for words? Well...for me it would be. Duh.

Next Saturday I have a date. *gasp* I KNOW!!! Can you believe it? Neither can I. He lives in Bellevue (2 hours away) so I offered to meet him halfway. It is only fair. Besides...if the date isn't working out I can always say that I need to head home before it gets too late. See? I'm using my noodle. We chatted on the phone last night and I told him that I wanted pancakes for our dinner. He laughed and said that was a great idea. No pressure there. I hate first dates. They are just not fun. Will this be my last first date or just another notch in the journal of first dates? Who knows. No future tripping or expectations. Tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed all to hell. Call me cynical but it's the way of the dating world in today's world. Makes me wonder why I do it. I know!!! FOR THE PANCAKES!!! :)

Friday, September 05, 2008

Uncanny or what...?




It has been brought to my attention that I look like a certain VP candidate. What do you think?




Thursday, September 04, 2008

Everywhere I turn...

I'm seeing signs of fall. Even some of the leaves have begun to change. Summer is still trying to hold on and you can see it gasping it's last breath as the cooler weather begins to take over. I love fall more than any other season. Spring does come in a close second.

Such different opposing seasons. Spring is a new beginning. Wildlife babies being born. Flowers peeking through the thawing ground to soak in the new sun. Windows being opened in homes to let in the fresh air. A time of waking from winter's slumber.

Fall is the last breath of life. Trees take on a new coat of color with the changing of the leaves. Flowers begin to wither and pass on. In all of that there is the awakening of the senses as scents such as nutmeg, clove and cinnamon take over kitchens as chef's, professional and family, being to produce such wonders as apple tarts, pumpkin pie, and cinnamon rolls. Here in Yakima the Central Washington State Fair begins the end of September. When those smells start wafting around you know...fall has begun.

I'm entering a time of the year where my mood lifts and happiness is a part of everyday life. I see nothing but light throughout this season and into the holidays. I know I have some pressing issues facing me and if it weren't for autumn I would most likely be giving into the pressure and seriousness of it. I will be seeing Phantom of the Opera next Friday with my children and best friend. A fabulous beginning to what I consider the most wonderful season of the year.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Did someone say Vegas?

I've got an itch and the only thing that can scratch it is....go to Vegas for my birthday. It's going to be my 2nd anniversary of my 40th year. I want to do something fun. So...I sent out emails to all of my girlfriends that I had emails for and put out the word. So far it's been all positive and everyone thinks it's a great idea. My last little excursion to Vegas was more of a "OMG...I feel like a queen" type of trip. I want to experience Vegas as a "poor" girl this time. LOL I'm not complaining about my last trip. Heavens no!!! I had such an amazing time and it was an experience of a lifetime. One I will always cherish and to be honest...one I wasn't sure I deserved. The whole trip was like a dream and I still can't believe I was the one who lived it.

I got an email this weekend from a dear friend of mine who is in the medical field. She is going to do some researching and see if there is a doctor who will do my surgery at little or no cost to me. If that happens...it will be a blessing beyond anything I could have asked for. Not having medical insurance really bites ya know that? I am so thankful for the friends I have. Without them...not sure where I would be right now. Probably wallowing in my own misery somewhere in Tahiti. What??? A person can't be miserable in Tahiti? ;)

Life handed me an ugly card this summer and it was difficult to get through but...I got through it and I'm looking forward to wonderful experiences with my friends the next couple of seasons. Can't ask for more than that.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Friendships

I was thinking on the way to work about the friendships I have had throughout my years on this big blue marble. I have a very small circle of friends and like it that way. People that I can safely say have my back and I can trust. I sometimes add to that circle but it's not often. Too much betrayal from my past prevents that.

Everyone makes friends from the moment they step foot into school. Some friendships last through the schooling process. Most of them end. While I am not close to one man I've known since Kindergarten...I can safely say he is a friend. The friends we make in high school, I believe, are the ones who you will have a lifetime. Not all of them mind you but a select few will remain through the trials and tribulations of your life.

While going through this thing we call life we meet people. Some stick around and become your closest friends and allies. Some stick around long enough to betray you, cause you to question humanity and your own choices. Most cross our paths on a daily basis through work, shopping, driving, going to the park or wherever your legs take you. If we are lucky we meet someone in our everyday lives that will change our view of our fellow man.

I've had friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin. They are people I know I can call upon during times of trial and they will be there to remind me that I have wings. I just need to remember how to use them. These are the people I cherish and value. People who I depend on to get me through my story.

Now we come to the people who are no longer in my life. In one way or another they have left my life story. Some on good terms. Life just took us in different directions. We parted amicably and all is well. Then there are those who took ending the friendship to the ultimate ending. Endings that burned bridges and caused a lot of heartache for me. Did it cause them pain? I don't know. I cannot speak for them. I still harbor bitterness and anger towards one friendship that ended. That is my cross to bear and one that I need to learn to let go. I used to question why those people were in my life. Now I understand, for the most part, why they came in and wreaked havoc upon my heart and life. I could go into a long winded, get on my soapbox rant about it but I won't. What I will say is that those friendships helped me grow as a person and to find my inner strength. It was through those people I learned to not be a doormat. To stand up for my own thoughts, opinions and desires. When I learned to do those things...my 'friends' started dropping off like flies.

I ended a friendship this summer. It was not easy for me to do but it had to be done. This person has known me as a mousey little girl who would put up with any kind of treatment handed to me. I am now no longer that mealy mouthed pansy. Me standing up for myself is not what she planned on. I felt good about how things transpired. Not good about the friendship ending but good about who I have become and what is acceptable for me.

Ending things are not fun. If a person can look at it as a time to grow and become the person we were meant to be. There is a short essay that I hold onto when friendships end:

Are Your Friends Here for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime?

Many of us are fortunate enough to have friends who are a consistent part of our lives throughout all our ups and downs. However, sometimes others we consider friends appear to enter, then depart from our lives for reasons we try to, but don't always, understand. This piece nicely explains the flow of people in and out of our lives.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life

Once you figure out who are reasons, seasons or lifetime...you will be a stronger and more amazing person than you ever thought you would be.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

You know you wanna giggle...

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood !

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

4. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's

5. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

6. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

7. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

8. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..

9. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

10. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

11. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

12. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

13. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

14. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

15. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

16. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

17. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

18. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

19. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? ! Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile ;)

So many thoughts...

I seriously need to put a notepad in my purse, in my car and anywhere else I am. I had some fabulously fabulous blog thoughts today and do you know where they are? Well they certainly are not in my noggin. If they are in my noggin'...they are in the deep recesses. For the life of me I cannot remember any of them.

School starts on Tuesday. Can I hear a "WHOOPIE!!!"? The kids are going stircrazy and their phone calls to me at work are driving me up a friggin' wall. "MOM!!! She took the remote. MOM!!! She won't let me watch my show. MOM!!! I sneezed and she didn't say bless you." It doesn't matter what crisis crops up...I get a phone call. Good grief I am glad school is starting. This mama needs a break!!!

I'm feeling lost now that my layout is done. *sniff* I had purpose when I was looking for a cool layout. When fixing it to read how I wanted it to read. Now? Wandering and so lost in my little world. What is a person to do? I even changed the layout on my myspace page. Feelin' the need for change. The weather is changing so my pages need changing also.

Tell me something. Why are games now the thing to do when dating and meeting someone? I don't remember these games when I met Darren. I don't remember the men I met before Darren playing games. It went something like this: Send some emails, talk on the phone a few times, arrange to meet for dinner. If it didn't work out then you went your seperate ways. Now? OMG!!! It is all about stringing someone along. Making you think they like you and then BAM!!! Nothing. WTF??? And these are the very same men who bitch about women playing games and they just want to meet a decent woman. Hello!!! Decent woman...right here!!! Am I cynical? To a point...yes. I have gotten to a place in my life where I'm not looking at just the outside of a man but the inside. Even if he isn't Gerard on the outside...he may be on the inside. Know what I'm saying here? Granted there has to be some physical attraction but that isn't everything. My taste in men is changing but I'm finding that even men who aren't that Gerard are still self absorbed game players. I don't get it. I just don't get it. If someone could explain this to me I would be muchly beholdin'.

Mwah hahahahaha!!!!

It's done!!! My new page is done!!! Whatcha think? Nice isn't it? I know you are just diggin' my new digs. Really...you are. It's ok to admit it. :)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

In the mood for change

Making changes. Once all is done I will post...

IT'S READY!!!

The stuff in the sidebar is not mine!!! It was part of the template.

Meme seen at Nell's

Answer
In.
One.
Word.
Only.
(It’s Harder than you think)

Where is your cellphone? here
Describe your significant other? huh?
Your hair? looong
Your mother? uptight
Your father? unhappy
What is your favorite gadget? cell
What did you dream last night? didn’t
What do you prefer to drink? pepsi
Dream car? chevelle
What room are you currently in? Office
Your ex (if you have one)? p*ick
Your biggest fear? poverty
What do you want to be in 10 years? comfortable
Who did you spend last night with? kids
What are you not? happy
The last thing you did? this
What are you wearing? sweater
Favorite book? Phantom
The last thing you ate? cereal
Your life? eh
Your mood? tired
Your best friends? loyal
What are you thinking about right now? sleepy
Your car? messy
What are you doing right now? typing
Your summer? hot
Marital status? alone
What is on your TV right now? Off
When did you last laugh? today
When did you last cry? yesterday
School? done

Newness

See something different about my page? I'm sure you do. Whatcha think? Good or should I go back to the pink one? Thoughts?

Monday, August 25, 2008

3 but it needs to be 5

See this?



I'll be seeing the whole thing in 3 weeks...on stage...in Seattle. Jealous yet? I know I would be if I were you. ;)

This will be my 3rd time seeing it. I only need to see it in NYC on Broadway and in London. Then I'll be completely happy. Well...if Gerard was thrown into one of those showing I would be ecstatic. :) A girl can dream can't she?

Summer is over!!! *updated*

I don't care what the calendar says...fall is in the air and I'm thrilled!!! I have been down the last week with the summer cold from hell. I cannot even begin to remember when I have been that sick. I've been bedridden before but it was because of surgeries. Not a cold. Seriously!!! A COLD!!! Death would have been warmer than what this thing was. Miserable...completely miserable. I am now feeling 100% better than what I was last week at this time. Not fully recouped but good enough to go to work.

I am so glad summer is almost over. The kids go back to school next Tuesday and life returns to normal. The only bad thing about that is my hours are going to be cut back a bit. Business tends to slow down from September until January. It's odd but that happens throughout this valley. Even when I was working in restaurants business went way down in the fall and winter. I'm not really complaining though. I'm only cutting back to short days on the days my oldest has volleyball games. I don't like missing her matches so this works out not only for my boss but for me as well.

Still dealing with the teen angst. Heaven help me I'm not going to make it until she graduates. I love her dearly and she is the love of my life but sometimes her attitude just really bites sour lemons. Last night was one of those nights. I picked her up from the SD and it began. Nothing I did was good enough and when she said she wanted to know why I won't let her wear 3 inch heels I had had enough. The rest of the evening was spent with me not communicating with her at all. I chose to do my things such as laundry, dishes, cleaning my bathroom and then putting a second coat of paint on my vanity cabinet. Who do you think broke the silence? Wasn't me. I do believe I have found the way to get through this. Just don't give her the fight that she is wanting. Go about my business and keep busy. Once I say no...that's it. No arguement. I'm too old for that crap and I don't need the drama. It's going to be an interesting 4 years...LOL

I'm thinking this song has something to do with me. What do you think? ;)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Lesson best learned and not told

I should not have gotten out of bed on Monday. Not one thing this week has gone well. I had a feeling with Tuesday being bad that the rest of the week was not going to shape into a happy fountain.

Last night I was dealt a situation that has been typical of the household where my oldest daughter resides or in their words...visits....every other weekend. The SM chose to discuss something with my daughter when in all actuality it should have been brought up to me first. Since that lack of good judgement on the SM's part...I have been told by my daughter that I created the drama (which was created by the SM...not me), I need to grow up, I need to get along with the SM. Here is the clincher. She told me that the SM is a good person and is decent. WHAT THE FUCK??? Seriously. I needed to just say that. Her statement required me saying it full on and not just WTF. (SM = stepmonter. SD = spermdonor_

I have learned in the course of 2 hours that the SD and SM want to get along with me and try their best but it is because of me there are problems. Again...WHAT THE FUCK??? From the minute that woman entered the picture there have been problems. Let me see...she has tried to run over me with her suburban, flips me off every chance she gets, yanked my daughter out of my arms when she was 5 years old, told me that I am a piece of shit mom (said in front of my daughter), told me that I will discuss things regarding my daughter with her and not the father, slams the door in my face everytime I go to pick my daughter up from visitation, will tell my daughter I've made poor choices in my life, that I am too poor to afford anything. The list can go on but that is the highlights. My daughter has come home many, many, many times in the intervening 10 years saying that the SM treats her horribly. Now, for some ungodly reason (and I do mean UNGODLY) my daughter says that the SM is a decent and good person.

I have been in tears for the majority of today. At one point I was sobbing and breathing was difficult at best. I am borderline tears even typing this. All of this started with the SM and she knew full well it would escalate into something that could have and should have been avoided. To top the day off I was given a bit of information that has brought me to a decision I never thought I would choose. I am supposed to pick my daughter up on Friday at noon. This was set up by the SM. You see...she controls everything in that household. The SD does not. He just does what she tells him to do. She wrote the summer visitation time. He signed it. I learned today that they are going out of town on Friday and my daughter is going with them. WTF? When I asked her about it she said that I was to get her Sunday. Hang on just one bloody second. I did not write the schedule. They did. Now they are changing it or not following it? It was at that moment I gave up. I can't fight anymore. I've been fighting them for years. I am choosing to no longer play the game. I will be made out to be the villian in my daughter's eyes no matter my decision.

This is where the lesson is best learned and not told comes in. She is going to Spokane with them this weekend. It is my weekend and my time with her. He has not called me nor has he returned my phone call. That is typical of him so I'm not surprised. My daughter has been told that the SM and SD will buy her school clothes for her but yet they always say "It is your mom's responsibility to buy your clothes" which is why she always has to pack her life when she goes to his house. That includes shampoo because they won't allow her to use their's. I will let her go this weekend. I know exactly what is going to happen because it happens everytime. They will purchase nothing for her. She will be treated the exact same way she always has been. Like an outsider. I hope she will see that her views of the SM were wrong and nothing has nor will ever change with that woman. I hope that she will see that the SM has an agenda and that agenda is not in the best interest of my daughter. It is a vendetta against me. To hurt me.

I have to take a step back and keep my mouth shut now. My daughter has got to learn on her own. I am going to see her hurt and disappointed yet again. It will not be the last time. It is up to me to be strong and comfort her when all I want to do is rip their eyes out with a rusty ice pick. Stepping back...it's not going to be easy but something I know is necessary. I'm not a religious person but I pray God gives me the strength to get through it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It might be you

If you are an 80's child you will know that my title is the love song from "Tootsie". I'm sitting here surfing through youtube for some unknown reason. Maybe it's because I am bored out of my mind and taking a trip back to when life was much simpler helps me forget the things I'm facing now. I listen to this song and instantly I am transported back to my sophomore year. I was 15 years old, in a new school and life was full of teenage things. Dances, friends, boys and fast food that didn't take up residence on my hips.

I've been talking to a man who was someone I dated (I'm using dated very loosely here) when I was in 7th grade. He was so cute then but I broke up with him. Dven then I felt weird about the attention he was giving me. I'm seeing where my running from relationships had it's origins and tender beginnings. He found me and contacted me a couple of years ago. I had not heard from him or seen him since my late teens. Now, a million and one years later, I'm talking to my boyfriend from 7th grade. He has not changed at all. Ok...maybe a little bit. When I see him I still see the boy I was crazy about so many years ago.

It's strange. We have lived completely separate lives. Married. Had children. Remained in the Pacific Northwest. There was no contact for almost 1/2 of our lives. Now he is back in my life and I find I think of him a lot but want to runaway again. Why do I do that? Why is it that a man who has thought of me for close to 30 years and wants to be with me scares the hell out of me? He called me today and was very concerned about the medical things I am going through. He wants to see me. He wants to get to know me again.

Evan is what I would say is the man I picture in my head when I think about the man I want to be with. He is tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, beautiful smile, responsible, fun to talk to, quiet but not shy. So far he is all that I want in a man. I have been out of the relationship with Darren for 4 years. It was 4 years on August 1st. I've healed. I've learned. I've become the woman I am supposed to be. I am ready to date again. Why do I want to push Evan away? I have to tell myself and force myself to not leave. To not throw away what could possibly be a lifetime of happiness with a man who would love me for all that I am.

I need to remain composed. I need to not future trip but gosh...I'm terrified. How do I stop that feeling? How do I stop thinking "He is going to hurt me just like everyone else has and does"? A new song just came on.

When I fall in love it will be forever
Or Ill never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart it will be completely
Or Ill never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you.


That is what I want. When I fall in love it will be forever. I won't settle for less than forever.

Friday, August 08, 2008

A last resort

I have created a website, which was a last resort but I'm at that point. Please go look at it and send it along to everyone you know and urge them to do the same. Maybe this will finally get me on a road I need to be on and take care of my medical issues once and for all. Thank you sooo much!!!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Aesthetic right?

It's getting to me. I just can't deal with the lump that reminds me of it's presence everyday. Yes, it's the original one from a couple of years ago but it has grown. At my last appointment my doctor found a second lump in the same breast. He and I had discussed prophylactic surgery at that point. A surgery I have thought long and hard about. It is one I want to proceed with. I'm sure you are saying "what is prophylactic surgery?". Here is a link to provide you with that information. The only thing I have to do before he will do the surgery is get an MRI. It has been 5 months since we had that conversation and I have yet to do the MRI.

Before anyone starts yelling at me and chewing me out...let me say that I don't have health insurance nor was I working fulltime. I cancelled the appointment and promptly tried to put it out of my mind. It has been lately that it's reared it's ugly head within my thoughts. I made a phone call today to the radiology center. The one answer I got from her sent me reeling. Lower end of the spectrum for an MRI is $2000. Ouch!!! I know it will be more than that because I am highly claustrophobic so I know I will need a mild sedative just to get me through it. I have to drive over to Seattle for the appointment so with missing a day from work and the cost of gas I'm going to have some serious debt going on for 20 minutes of laying still in a freaky tube.

Living with this fear has got to stop. I cannot continue my life this way. Living in fear is just not how we were intended to go through life. Having a massive medical bill over my head is not a great way to live either but...I would rather have that than the fear of developing cancer and dying. My life is worth so much more than $2000 although I could think of a couple of people who would differ with that. LOL

I'm going to be making an appointment to get the MRI done. I have to. I need to live again. I hate just existing. Once I get past this hurdle I will look at surgery. Terrifying but a relief all at the same time. After all...they are just aesthetic and no longer serve a purpose. I'm happy and at peace with my decision. That is all that matters. :)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Case of the blues and all that jazz

Sometimes life is just not nice. Just when I think that all is well within my world...I get a heavy does of reality and reminded of just how fricking small this town is. On August 16th I'm going to a community fund raiser called "A case of the blues and all that jazz". It's a huge event that has been taking place since 1993. I was talked into going by Margaret *glaring at her with little eyes...*. She hates seeing me sitting home alone and becoming a hermit. I love her for that but...this is one event I'm just not wanting to go to now. You see...while I was all excited about going I just found out that the backstabbing, two-faced bitch who "was" my friend for 26 years is going to be there. Lovely.

Now to figure out just what to do. Do I show up to an event where there is a lot of alcohol and chance it or do I just give Margaret the $40 for the ticket and keep my butt at home...avoiding any and all drama that could happen? Ya know...none of this would be happening if she would have had some morals and values. *sigh* HELP!!! What do I do???

Monday, July 14, 2008

I can see clearly now...

This was a weekend I'm thankful has passed. It wasn't a "OMG!!! That was the worst weekend ever!!!" type of thing. There was just some drama that could have been avoided and me not feeling at the top of my game. I'm not going to get into how I'm feeling because...well to be honest...I'm really not sure about it. It's a health thing so please don't think I'm stressing over a relationship or other such nonsense. That statement leads me to this...

I was watching PS I Love You this weekend for about the millionth time. Yes...it has Gerard in it and we all know how much I love that man but I digress. I was really watching the movie. Not for the entertainment value but for the analytical value. Sabrina...stop rolling your eyes. LOL I was thinking about Holly and how she lost a man she loved with her entire being. Even though they argued and fought, he was her life. Her world. In an instant he was gone. She was left alone. It made me really question being in a relationship such as marriage. Why do we do it when we know that it is going to end with the biggest heartbreak we will ever face? We know full well going into the marriage that it will end with the death of our spouse. Sure there are wonderful moments in between the "I do" and "It's ok...you can go now". This is not a surprise to us as the vows are "Til death do us part". That sounds all romantic and lovely at the time. The reality of it is...we are setting ourselves up for the biggest hurt we will ever experience in life.

The love Holly and Gerry had is one that everyone looks for. Gerry has a line in the movie "I know what I want, because I have it in my hands right now. You." We all want that. We want to be loved. We want to be someone's Holly. But...to be someone's Holly we have to face that one day we will lose our Gerry. What's the point? Why do we want to knowingly get ourselves into a situation where we know that one day down the road...our hearts are going to be completely shattered...never to be whole again.

Is this cynical thinking? Most likely. I've been hurt so deeply in the past that I no longer have thoughts of ribbons and lace romances. I no longer see romance and relationships as something that will be pleasurable. I can only see hurt, pain and the inevitable heartbreak that comes with being in love. I know this is an issue that I have to work through. The question is...do I want to work through it? That is an answer I'm not sure I can give.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

A voicemail goes to the root

Wow!!! It's amazing how a friend can see you so clearly even though they don't see you on a daily basis. Maybe that is why they can see who you truly are. I just received a voicemail from Margaret. A voicemail that gave me that "OMG!!! She is right!!!" moment. Her last words were "I don't want you to feel abandoned, rejected, betrayed or anymore of that kind of stuff you have had your whole life." Damn. She can say that to me because she has known me 26 years. she has seen all of it. When clarity hits...it really does and not in a soft whisper kind of way. Talk about a wrecking ball sort of feeling. Like I've been socked in the stomach.

There are people in my life who I cling to their friendships like a child clings to it's mother in unfamiliar surroundings. With all that I am I hold onto them. I need them. I'm lost without their constant contact. Not on a daily basis. I'm not that needy. Sabrina is one friend that if I don't hear from a couple of times a week...I get a little jittery and wonder if she is ok. Margaret is the one person I know who will come to town and refuse to let me sit in my house and become a recluse. She is persistent and wears me down. She won't give up until I say "OK...!!!" I love her for that. There is a new friend in my life that I have come to rely heavily upon for the communication I so desperately need. Natalie. There is an age difference but to be honest...I can't see it. She has been through so much in life and we have experienced a lot of the same things. I need her in my life. I got an email from Angie yesterday saying "Where have you been? I haven't heard from you?". I felt so bad when I read that. She is right. We were always talking on the phone and emailing and then I disappeared. I don't even know why I disappeared. I called her today and to hear her voice again put me at ease.

Margaret's words made me realize...I have been through every last one of those things in my life...starting at birth. I was abandoned and rejected by my very own mother upon my birth. Why do I feel that is the basis for all of this? Is there truly something wrong with me that causes people to want to betray, reject and abandon me? Do I hold on too tightly only to push people away? Do I get too much within myself that people don't want to be around me? Is this the reason why I won't allow myself to get close to a man and fall in love again? These are tough questions and not ones that will have answers right away. I wonder...will I ever find the answers?

I was talking to a friend of mine today and again...the lightbulb went off. Everything happens for a reason...right? I kept thinking...what the hell is the reason for this??? It is what Margaret said in her voicemail that brought me to the reason. To get me to stop and think about why people hurt me the way they do. To figure out just what it is I need to fix about myself so I am not treated as if I am sub-human or a doormat. The people who have betrayed me have been people who do not think or believe I should stand up for myself and I should accept whatever treatment they give me. When I stand up for myself...they do not like it. Why do I choose "friends" who are like that? That is something I need to figure out. So...you see? Everything happens for a reason. I may have lost a lifetime friendship but...I am finding me and that is more important than anything else. :)

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Airing drama because it's the only release I have...

*sigh* The day is over. I was told things today that boggled my mind and told things that warmed my heart. The situation with the "friend" went from bad to me realizing what a bitch she truly is. I believe that she has always been a complete bitch but I was never privvy to it. She told me that people do not behave the way I have. Here is what I told her that warranted her statement...

"Friend",

You are right...there is no interest in drama and it is ridiculous. Only I'm the one that should have said it first but I am the type of person who wants answers and does not run away from problems. I will respect your decision to end the friendship in this way. A way that you said would NEVER happen but sadly it has. It is through your own actions that has caused this chain of events. I know that I did nothing to create this situation. All I did was trust you and respect our friendship. Those two precious things are now gone. The trust and respect. I've had time to think and discuss the situation with a few friends and I've been given some wonderful advice. Advice I will follow. I know you do not understand or comprehend the pain that has been caused to me unnecessarily but I don't expect anyone to understand it. I can't understand it myself. I just need to figure out how to forgive and let the healing process begin.You have not contacted me since you told me about your betrayal. That speaks volumes to me. It is ok though. I've gotten angry. I've shed my tears. I've grasped the enormity of what has been lost. Am I happy about it? Not in the least. I'm hurt deeply but that is for me to contend with and heal. And I will heal. You've known me 26 years. You know I will always bounce back stronger and better than I was before.I truly hope he does not break your heart. It's a risky relationship you have entered into. He is still married. They only separated Dec 28, 2007 and have not filed the divorce papers. You are, from what I understand, the first woman he has dated. I hope you can overcome and surpass the odds. With that I will say goodbye. It was a fun 26 years & I have no regrets.

Tracey

Hmmm...people do not behave the way I did in that email? Telling someone that they hurt me and I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut? Ok...not sure of that thinking but she is entitled to her opinions. As you all know...I am not someone to let a smartassed and heartless comment go unheeded. I replied...of course.

Betraying a friendship is not how people behave. You hurting me deliberately was unnecessary. Did you honestly think I would be ok with this? It's not that "insert asshole man's name here" was interested in you because he has just proven he is like all other men, but that you chose to do something you swore you would never do. I know bloody good and well that you would feel the same way I do if the situation was turned around. You made your decision. I'm fine with it. But...you stated on Friday...The last thing I want is for a guy to worm his way between us. Looks like it was only a circumstantial statement and not an unconditional one. Whether chemistry is there or not...friends do not do what you did. Listen...this is beating a dead horse. You chose to betray a friend. I am choosing to not respect you or trust you. We are at a crossroads and it's best to go our separate ways. No matter what you chose to do by telling me you were with him or kept it from me...you were wrong and made a horrible decision. You are an adult and can do as you please. I just know I would never do this to a friend. My friends are more precious to me than my hormones. I'm not the loser in this game "friend". I did not bring any of this upon myself. I am able to sleep with a clear conscience. I just hope you are ok with the choices that were made. As for me...the friendship is over. I cannot even begin to trust you or respect you as a person again. I can't be walked on by you by just letting this go. I would not be true to myself if I did. In the end...how I view myself is all that matters. If I cannot look myself in the mirror and know I am holding true to myself....what's the point?

Her response?

You are a little out of control Tracey. Enough is enough. Its for the best.

I'm out of control because I'm expressing how I feel about what she has done? I'm thinking she still believes I'm the little girl from high school who would let her use me as a doormat and put up with anything just to be friends. Oops...I'm sorry. I've grown out of that phase. In not ONE of the emails was there an "I'm so sorry I hurt you." Just her telling me she won't deal with MY drama. MY DRAMA??? I didn't even start this crap but I sure as hell won't sit by and let her think I'm ok with it. She refuses to take any ownership in what she has done. There wouldn't be any drama if she was a decent human being and did what every person would have done. Left him alone. Remember....cardinal rule among friends. Never go after a man a friend of yours is interested in.

For the first time in 26 years...I called her a bitch. Not to her face but to a couple of friends who are worried about me and just as unhappy as I am with this. Is a man worth all of this crap? Nope. Not at all. He isn't even the issue anymore. Are her lies, betrayal and ultimate lack of concern for hurting me worth it? Maybe. Maybe not. In a few weeks I will say....not. Today? Too vivid in my mind to not think about. Will the friendship ever be repaired. No. It won't. If she can, in good conscience, do exactly what she said she wouldn't...it would just be a matter of time before she did it again. I won't even take the chance. I'm not a doormat nor will I ever be one to a man OR a woman. Do I think she will realize what a mistake she made? Of course she will when this guy uses her for the high school fantasy he has. He had a crush on her all through high school so of course he is going to get what he can from her now since she had zero interest in him then. Once he is done...she will be discarded. The fantasy will have been fullfilled. He will have no use for her. She isn't the perky 18 year old he knew. Reality will hit and when it does she will realize what she has done. The sad thing is...it's already too late. She ended a 26 year friendship for a hormonal surge. That is her cross to bear. I won't carry it for her.

With that said....

I'M DONE WITH THIS DRAMA...:)

And now they come...

Today has started out on not so great of a note. Since the situation I mentioned yesterday...I have not heard one word from my so called friend. I'm going to use that term very loosely about this woman from now on. She sent me this on Monday at 2:11pm...

"I hate this...
Friday night he asked for my number. We talked the next day for awhile. That night I was out with my brother and friends and ran into him and his friend. We all hung out and we just seem to have a good time together. It seems there is quite an attraction building. He kissed me. I liked it. I am a horrible friend."

That was the last I have heard from her. Today is Wednesday. I had some things in my house that belonged to her. I did not want to be accused of stealing so I packed them into the car to take to her at work. She owns a "doggy daycare" and is always out in the front office. When I showed up...she hid in the back. Well that was just mature of her. I was ticked. I sent her a text saying that she has the balls to disrespect me but doesn't have the balls to face me??? Her response? "I'm not interested in the drama. It's ridiculous" WTF??? Is she kidding me??? She brought this whole situation upon herself and now she isn't interested in it? She hurt me deeply and she isn't interested in it? What the hell kind of friend is that? Don't answer that. It was a rhetorical question.

I have not received an apology. I have not received any communication from her since her email other than that last text. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who was there Friday night and saw exactly how this "friend" was acting. Wendy, my real friend, said that she knew it was hurting me. She also knew that everyone at the table knew how I felt about the guy. Wendy told me that she is not even happy with how both the guy and my "friend" have treated me. Remember...all day Saturday this guy was texting me and telling me to not buy a floral perfume because florals make his eyes water. He also said that if I do get a floral...he will deal with it for me. Ok...how would ya'all take that? Flirting? I know I did. Wendy did also.

This situation has taught me a few somethings. I've learned that just because someone has been your friend for over half of your life does not mean they will never betray you or stab you in the back. At least single friends. Married and in serious relationships? I believe and know they are real and genuine friends. I've learned that trust is so easily broken and in some cases completely shattered. The same for respect. Once respect is lost...how do you ever find it again? Is it possible? Is it possible to trust again after it has been so drastically betrayed? I've learned that when the hormones are raging...logic flies out the window and no matter how bad the things that are done or who gets hurt...the person with the "chemistry" doesn't see any of what they have done to others and really don't care. It has become a truly selfish situation.

After talking to Wendy and her kind words...that is when the tears came. Not a good thing since I am at work. She did have some advice that I know I need to follow. I need to completely forget the "friend". She brought all of this on herself and she will now have to deal with the repercussions of her actions. What goes around comes around. I fully believe in Karma and she just spit in her Karma's eye. I'm not the bad one here. I did nothing wrong but confide in a "friend" who turned out to NOT be a genuine one. You would think that after 26 years I could trust her. Well that didn't turn out so wonderful did it?