Friday, April 25, 2008

Evil-ness

Could last Sunday have been any worse??? It is amazing how just one thing can completely obliterate what was overall a nicely lazy day. For those of you who don't know...I am adopted. I was put up for adoption by satan. Seriously. The worst woman I have ever encountered in my life. She gives ronna a run for her money. Maybe I should introduce them to each other. They could be great friends. They are exactly alike. Anyway...I digress. I called the woman who gave birth to me a month ago asking her the details about her breast cancer so I could tell my doctors. What I got from her was a cold bitch. Completely rude and no concern whatsoever. Ok...she is typically a bitch but she went beyond what she normally is. I chalked it up to just who she is. I told everyone that I would never call that woman again. I made that statement thinking I would never hear from her again. WRONG!!!

I came home Wednesday to a voicemail from her asking me to call her. I came home Friday to another message from her. I put off calling her until today. I was prepared for a fight and boy did I ever get one. Just as a bit of history...her husband sent me an email a few years ago, after I had told her just how badly she has hurt me since finding her, telling me that I should be thankful that she didn't rip me from her womb and flush me down the drain. She then told my sister a couple of weeks ago that she could have killed me instead of giving birth to me. I don't think I can even begin to tell you how that felt. Well...in today's conversation I was told no less than 4 times that she could have killed me instead of giving me life. Who the fuck says that??? Oh wait...Donna does.

The conversation lasted less than 15 minutes and in that time I was called a liar, that I only think of myself, that I only see what I want to see and I must think I'm the only person on the planet who has been hurt. She asked me for my parents number because she wanted to talk to them. I flat out told her "NO!". There is no way in hell I am going to give that woman my parents phone number. I spoke to my mom today and she said that she didn't care if I gave it to her or not because she would have no problem telling her what she thinks of her and how badly she has hurt me the past 20+ years. The whole conversation ended with her hanging up on me because I refused to talk to her husband. This woman is 68 years old!!! Is she kidding???

I am so thankful that David was here during the conversation. He has seen how much she tears me up. Today was the straw that broke the camel's back. To tell me that she could have killed me instead of giving birth to me was something that should NEVER be said to your child. I don't care if you gave them up for adoption or not. I have seen a side to her that I don't like and I've come to the decision that she will never be a part of my life again. She crossed the line today and I cannot forgive her. Not yet. Maybe one day I can but at this point the hurt is too raw and very painful. Weekends are not meant to end the way mine did but sometimes things happen that really need to. These things suck and can be painful but are a learning experience. Hopefully the pain will lessen quickly and I will forget I ever had to deal with her. I wish the feeling of massive rejection would go away...now. While I know that this woman is not worth my time and means very little to me...to be told the things she said to me today stings. I wish I could put into words what I'm thinking and feeling. Nothing like being rejected at birth and then being told I'm lucky she didn't kill me instead. People who as supposed to care about you and then hurt you in ways you never even imagined can really knock the wind right out of you. I deleted ronna from my life and now I need to delete donna. Two people who I thought cared and have come to learn...through a painful process...that they never gave a damn to begin with.

It's been a difficult week at best for me. I had a date with a man whom I thought was a great guy. Seems that since I didn't sleep with him...he didn't think I warranted a second glance. So...Sunday with the bio mother and Monday with the jackass. Tuesday was spent reeling from everything. Wednesday...still reeling but not as much. Today I turned a corner. Would you believe it all started with a couch? I love Craigslist and really love the free ads. Today I found a couch that was free AND matches my living room. The woman who was giving it away was selling a wicker chest. I hadn't even mentioned it to her since I don't really have the money to buy it. She sent me an email giving me her address and she told me that I am more than welcome to have it for free also. She had been using it as a coffee table and I think that if I spray paint it...I could have a fabulous new coffee table also.

There are some amazingly sweet people in the world and after donna's evil spewing crap...I really needed to be reminded that there is good in mankind.My sweet friend, Darren, is going to go with me tomorrow to get my new couch and wicker chest. I am so excited about having a decent couch in my house again!!! Out of the ashes of a crappy week, I found a bright spot. I'm on my way to releasing the garbage from Sunday and in time I will completely let it go and forget that I ever knew that woman. Until that time...I know that my friends will be my source of strength when I need a boost.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Thoughts and things...

Ok...found this on a friend of Stacey's blog...how eerie is this???

Tracey

Your name of Tracey makes you very idealistic and generous, with the strong desire to uplift humanity leading you into situations where you can express your desire to serve others. You want to assume responsibilities and to look after people; however, you can become too involved in other people's problems and tend to worry. Your name gives you a natural desire to express along artistic and musical lines. You desire a settled home and family life, and are expressive and attentive to your loved ones. You must be careful not to become possessive and jealous of those close to you, however, as you could attract losses and unfortunate experiences. If you attach an ideal of service to your life, you could find great happiness and could express a very beautiful, happy, responsible, artistic, and generous nature. The weakness of this name is in worry, which in turn affects the nervous system, creating a tendency to be highly strung or over-sensitive to the thoughts of others.

Freaky...

I had a date last night. It was not my last first date. Tell me...why are men complete pigs and asses when they don't get sex on the first date??? What the hell happened to getting to know someone? Is that even remotely possible in this day and age? My views and thoughts on sex has changed drastically since Darren and I broke up. I refuse to lower myself and my standards to keep a man in my life. I know there are women out there who sleep with a man on the first date. I used to be friends with such women. I no longer have those women in my life. I have my standards and sleeping with a man on the first date is just not an option for me. Just to clarify...the women who are no longer my friends were "peer pressuring" me to get laid whenever I had a first date.

So what is it with the dating scene? Is it mandatory that a woman is to give the most intimate part of herself to a man the first date? Have the rules of dating changed so drastically that we no longer value who we are as individuals and hold fast to our standards of what we want in life? I've become a woman who wants more than a quick roll in the hay. I have found that I am in the minority. None of this makes much sense to me anymore. I will meet men who "say" they have the same ideals and standards that I have but once dinner is over...their "standards" change. I'm sorry but I am not a $20.00 whore. A man cannot buy me dinner and possibly a drink and then expect me to let him put his penis in me. I had that thrown in my face once. I was told that I should have had sex with a man because he spent $60.00 on dinner. WTF??? Was she kidding??? I learned later...no she wasn't.

Are women losing all self respect that a $60 dinner is reason enough to give of themselves in a way only someone who loves them should be lucky enough to receive? I can't help but think that the answer to that question is yes.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Life and it's infinite joys

Interesting things in Tracey's life...very interesting. I'm not dating anyone special and honestly...I like it that way. At least for now. Maybe someday I will be open to looking at finding that one person who makes my heart beat just a little faster and puts a smile on my face at the mere thought of his name. I just don't want to settle for any man for the sake of having a man. Too many women do that. I've had a couple of friends who have done that exact thing and while I'm no longer friends with either of them...I can't help but think that they are not happy in the choices they have made. I just don't see how they can be when neither of them took time out to heal their wounded soul after very bitter divorces. To have a healthy relationship...one must be healthy within their heart, mind and spirit. Until that happens...the relationship is doomed to fail because the baggage is still rotating on the baggage carousel. I want to buy new baggage with a new man. All shining and clean. Nothing that has been beat to hell.

I've been looking at a house and I have qualified for a loan to purchase it. I just need to get some things cleared up and I will be a HOMEOWNER!!! First time in my life. Scary but yet I'm completely excited about it. My very own place. A place where I can create a loving, healthy sanctuary for me and my girls. No more trailers!!! Life is at an amazing place for me right now. I can only see it getting better. :)