Monday, July 28, 2008

Aesthetic right?

It's getting to me. I just can't deal with the lump that reminds me of it's presence everyday. Yes, it's the original one from a couple of years ago but it has grown. At my last appointment my doctor found a second lump in the same breast. He and I had discussed prophylactic surgery at that point. A surgery I have thought long and hard about. It is one I want to proceed with. I'm sure you are saying "what is prophylactic surgery?". Here is a link to provide you with that information. The only thing I have to do before he will do the surgery is get an MRI. It has been 5 months since we had that conversation and I have yet to do the MRI.

Before anyone starts yelling at me and chewing me out...let me say that I don't have health insurance nor was I working fulltime. I cancelled the appointment and promptly tried to put it out of my mind. It has been lately that it's reared it's ugly head within my thoughts. I made a phone call today to the radiology center. The one answer I got from her sent me reeling. Lower end of the spectrum for an MRI is $2000. Ouch!!! I know it will be more than that because I am highly claustrophobic so I know I will need a mild sedative just to get me through it. I have to drive over to Seattle for the appointment so with missing a day from work and the cost of gas I'm going to have some serious debt going on for 20 minutes of laying still in a freaky tube.

Living with this fear has got to stop. I cannot continue my life this way. Living in fear is just not how we were intended to go through life. Having a massive medical bill over my head is not a great way to live either but...I would rather have that than the fear of developing cancer and dying. My life is worth so much more than $2000 although I could think of a couple of people who would differ with that. LOL

I'm going to be making an appointment to get the MRI done. I have to. I need to live again. I hate just existing. Once I get past this hurdle I will look at surgery. Terrifying but a relief all at the same time. After all...they are just aesthetic and no longer serve a purpose. I'm happy and at peace with my decision. That is all that matters. :)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Case of the blues and all that jazz

Sometimes life is just not nice. Just when I think that all is well within my world...I get a heavy does of reality and reminded of just how fricking small this town is. On August 16th I'm going to a community fund raiser called "A case of the blues and all that jazz". It's a huge event that has been taking place since 1993. I was talked into going by Margaret *glaring at her with little eyes...*. She hates seeing me sitting home alone and becoming a hermit. I love her for that but...this is one event I'm just not wanting to go to now. You see...while I was all excited about going I just found out that the backstabbing, two-faced bitch who "was" my friend for 26 years is going to be there. Lovely.

Now to figure out just what to do. Do I show up to an event where there is a lot of alcohol and chance it or do I just give Margaret the $40 for the ticket and keep my butt at home...avoiding any and all drama that could happen? Ya know...none of this would be happening if she would have had some morals and values. *sigh* HELP!!! What do I do???

Monday, July 14, 2008

I can see clearly now...

This was a weekend I'm thankful has passed. It wasn't a "OMG!!! That was the worst weekend ever!!!" type of thing. There was just some drama that could have been avoided and me not feeling at the top of my game. I'm not going to get into how I'm feeling because...well to be honest...I'm really not sure about it. It's a health thing so please don't think I'm stressing over a relationship or other such nonsense. That statement leads me to this...

I was watching PS I Love You this weekend for about the millionth time. Yes...it has Gerard in it and we all know how much I love that man but I digress. I was really watching the movie. Not for the entertainment value but for the analytical value. Sabrina...stop rolling your eyes. LOL I was thinking about Holly and how she lost a man she loved with her entire being. Even though they argued and fought, he was her life. Her world. In an instant he was gone. She was left alone. It made me really question being in a relationship such as marriage. Why do we do it when we know that it is going to end with the biggest heartbreak we will ever face? We know full well going into the marriage that it will end with the death of our spouse. Sure there are wonderful moments in between the "I do" and "It's ok...you can go now". This is not a surprise to us as the vows are "Til death do us part". That sounds all romantic and lovely at the time. The reality of it is...we are setting ourselves up for the biggest hurt we will ever experience in life.

The love Holly and Gerry had is one that everyone looks for. Gerry has a line in the movie "I know what I want, because I have it in my hands right now. You." We all want that. We want to be loved. We want to be someone's Holly. But...to be someone's Holly we have to face that one day we will lose our Gerry. What's the point? Why do we want to knowingly get ourselves into a situation where we know that one day down the road...our hearts are going to be completely shattered...never to be whole again.

Is this cynical thinking? Most likely. I've been hurt so deeply in the past that I no longer have thoughts of ribbons and lace romances. I no longer see romance and relationships as something that will be pleasurable. I can only see hurt, pain and the inevitable heartbreak that comes with being in love. I know this is an issue that I have to work through. The question is...do I want to work through it? That is an answer I'm not sure I can give.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

A voicemail goes to the root

Wow!!! It's amazing how a friend can see you so clearly even though they don't see you on a daily basis. Maybe that is why they can see who you truly are. I just received a voicemail from Margaret. A voicemail that gave me that "OMG!!! She is right!!!" moment. Her last words were "I don't want you to feel abandoned, rejected, betrayed or anymore of that kind of stuff you have had your whole life." Damn. She can say that to me because she has known me 26 years. she has seen all of it. When clarity hits...it really does and not in a soft whisper kind of way. Talk about a wrecking ball sort of feeling. Like I've been socked in the stomach.

There are people in my life who I cling to their friendships like a child clings to it's mother in unfamiliar surroundings. With all that I am I hold onto them. I need them. I'm lost without their constant contact. Not on a daily basis. I'm not that needy. Sabrina is one friend that if I don't hear from a couple of times a week...I get a little jittery and wonder if she is ok. Margaret is the one person I know who will come to town and refuse to let me sit in my house and become a recluse. She is persistent and wears me down. She won't give up until I say "OK...!!!" I love her for that. There is a new friend in my life that I have come to rely heavily upon for the communication I so desperately need. Natalie. There is an age difference but to be honest...I can't see it. She has been through so much in life and we have experienced a lot of the same things. I need her in my life. I got an email from Angie yesterday saying "Where have you been? I haven't heard from you?". I felt so bad when I read that. She is right. We were always talking on the phone and emailing and then I disappeared. I don't even know why I disappeared. I called her today and to hear her voice again put me at ease.

Margaret's words made me realize...I have been through every last one of those things in my life...starting at birth. I was abandoned and rejected by my very own mother upon my birth. Why do I feel that is the basis for all of this? Is there truly something wrong with me that causes people to want to betray, reject and abandon me? Do I hold on too tightly only to push people away? Do I get too much within myself that people don't want to be around me? Is this the reason why I won't allow myself to get close to a man and fall in love again? These are tough questions and not ones that will have answers right away. I wonder...will I ever find the answers?

I was talking to a friend of mine today and again...the lightbulb went off. Everything happens for a reason...right? I kept thinking...what the hell is the reason for this??? It is what Margaret said in her voicemail that brought me to the reason. To get me to stop and think about why people hurt me the way they do. To figure out just what it is I need to fix about myself so I am not treated as if I am sub-human or a doormat. The people who have betrayed me have been people who do not think or believe I should stand up for myself and I should accept whatever treatment they give me. When I stand up for myself...they do not like it. Why do I choose "friends" who are like that? That is something I need to figure out. So...you see? Everything happens for a reason. I may have lost a lifetime friendship but...I am finding me and that is more important than anything else. :)

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Airing drama because it's the only release I have...

*sigh* The day is over. I was told things today that boggled my mind and told things that warmed my heart. The situation with the "friend" went from bad to me realizing what a bitch she truly is. I believe that she has always been a complete bitch but I was never privvy to it. She told me that people do not behave the way I have. Here is what I told her that warranted her statement...

"Friend",

You are right...there is no interest in drama and it is ridiculous. Only I'm the one that should have said it first but I am the type of person who wants answers and does not run away from problems. I will respect your decision to end the friendship in this way. A way that you said would NEVER happen but sadly it has. It is through your own actions that has caused this chain of events. I know that I did nothing to create this situation. All I did was trust you and respect our friendship. Those two precious things are now gone. The trust and respect. I've had time to think and discuss the situation with a few friends and I've been given some wonderful advice. Advice I will follow. I know you do not understand or comprehend the pain that has been caused to me unnecessarily but I don't expect anyone to understand it. I can't understand it myself. I just need to figure out how to forgive and let the healing process begin.You have not contacted me since you told me about your betrayal. That speaks volumes to me. It is ok though. I've gotten angry. I've shed my tears. I've grasped the enormity of what has been lost. Am I happy about it? Not in the least. I'm hurt deeply but that is for me to contend with and heal. And I will heal. You've known me 26 years. You know I will always bounce back stronger and better than I was before.I truly hope he does not break your heart. It's a risky relationship you have entered into. He is still married. They only separated Dec 28, 2007 and have not filed the divorce papers. You are, from what I understand, the first woman he has dated. I hope you can overcome and surpass the odds. With that I will say goodbye. It was a fun 26 years & I have no regrets.

Tracey

Hmmm...people do not behave the way I did in that email? Telling someone that they hurt me and I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut? Ok...not sure of that thinking but she is entitled to her opinions. As you all know...I am not someone to let a smartassed and heartless comment go unheeded. I replied...of course.

Betraying a friendship is not how people behave. You hurting me deliberately was unnecessary. Did you honestly think I would be ok with this? It's not that "insert asshole man's name here" was interested in you because he has just proven he is like all other men, but that you chose to do something you swore you would never do. I know bloody good and well that you would feel the same way I do if the situation was turned around. You made your decision. I'm fine with it. But...you stated on Friday...The last thing I want is for a guy to worm his way between us. Looks like it was only a circumstantial statement and not an unconditional one. Whether chemistry is there or not...friends do not do what you did. Listen...this is beating a dead horse. You chose to betray a friend. I am choosing to not respect you or trust you. We are at a crossroads and it's best to go our separate ways. No matter what you chose to do by telling me you were with him or kept it from me...you were wrong and made a horrible decision. You are an adult and can do as you please. I just know I would never do this to a friend. My friends are more precious to me than my hormones. I'm not the loser in this game "friend". I did not bring any of this upon myself. I am able to sleep with a clear conscience. I just hope you are ok with the choices that were made. As for me...the friendship is over. I cannot even begin to trust you or respect you as a person again. I can't be walked on by you by just letting this go. I would not be true to myself if I did. In the end...how I view myself is all that matters. If I cannot look myself in the mirror and know I am holding true to myself....what's the point?

Her response?

You are a little out of control Tracey. Enough is enough. Its for the best.

I'm out of control because I'm expressing how I feel about what she has done? I'm thinking she still believes I'm the little girl from high school who would let her use me as a doormat and put up with anything just to be friends. Oops...I'm sorry. I've grown out of that phase. In not ONE of the emails was there an "I'm so sorry I hurt you." Just her telling me she won't deal with MY drama. MY DRAMA??? I didn't even start this crap but I sure as hell won't sit by and let her think I'm ok with it. She refuses to take any ownership in what she has done. There wouldn't be any drama if she was a decent human being and did what every person would have done. Left him alone. Remember....cardinal rule among friends. Never go after a man a friend of yours is interested in.

For the first time in 26 years...I called her a bitch. Not to her face but to a couple of friends who are worried about me and just as unhappy as I am with this. Is a man worth all of this crap? Nope. Not at all. He isn't even the issue anymore. Are her lies, betrayal and ultimate lack of concern for hurting me worth it? Maybe. Maybe not. In a few weeks I will say....not. Today? Too vivid in my mind to not think about. Will the friendship ever be repaired. No. It won't. If she can, in good conscience, do exactly what she said she wouldn't...it would just be a matter of time before she did it again. I won't even take the chance. I'm not a doormat nor will I ever be one to a man OR a woman. Do I think she will realize what a mistake she made? Of course she will when this guy uses her for the high school fantasy he has. He had a crush on her all through high school so of course he is going to get what he can from her now since she had zero interest in him then. Once he is done...she will be discarded. The fantasy will have been fullfilled. He will have no use for her. She isn't the perky 18 year old he knew. Reality will hit and when it does she will realize what she has done. The sad thing is...it's already too late. She ended a 26 year friendship for a hormonal surge. That is her cross to bear. I won't carry it for her.

With that said....

I'M DONE WITH THIS DRAMA...:)

And now they come...

Today has started out on not so great of a note. Since the situation I mentioned yesterday...I have not heard one word from my so called friend. I'm going to use that term very loosely about this woman from now on. She sent me this on Monday at 2:11pm...

"I hate this...
Friday night he asked for my number. We talked the next day for awhile. That night I was out with my brother and friends and ran into him and his friend. We all hung out and we just seem to have a good time together. It seems there is quite an attraction building. He kissed me. I liked it. I am a horrible friend."

That was the last I have heard from her. Today is Wednesday. I had some things in my house that belonged to her. I did not want to be accused of stealing so I packed them into the car to take to her at work. She owns a "doggy daycare" and is always out in the front office. When I showed up...she hid in the back. Well that was just mature of her. I was ticked. I sent her a text saying that she has the balls to disrespect me but doesn't have the balls to face me??? Her response? "I'm not interested in the drama. It's ridiculous" WTF??? Is she kidding me??? She brought this whole situation upon herself and now she isn't interested in it? She hurt me deeply and she isn't interested in it? What the hell kind of friend is that? Don't answer that. It was a rhetorical question.

I have not received an apology. I have not received any communication from her since her email other than that last text. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who was there Friday night and saw exactly how this "friend" was acting. Wendy, my real friend, said that she knew it was hurting me. She also knew that everyone at the table knew how I felt about the guy. Wendy told me that she is not even happy with how both the guy and my "friend" have treated me. Remember...all day Saturday this guy was texting me and telling me to not buy a floral perfume because florals make his eyes water. He also said that if I do get a floral...he will deal with it for me. Ok...how would ya'all take that? Flirting? I know I did. Wendy did also.

This situation has taught me a few somethings. I've learned that just because someone has been your friend for over half of your life does not mean they will never betray you or stab you in the back. At least single friends. Married and in serious relationships? I believe and know they are real and genuine friends. I've learned that trust is so easily broken and in some cases completely shattered. The same for respect. Once respect is lost...how do you ever find it again? Is it possible? Is it possible to trust again after it has been so drastically betrayed? I've learned that when the hormones are raging...logic flies out the window and no matter how bad the things that are done or who gets hurt...the person with the "chemistry" doesn't see any of what they have done to others and really don't care. It has become a truly selfish situation.

After talking to Wendy and her kind words...that is when the tears came. Not a good thing since I am at work. She did have some advice that I know I need to follow. I need to completely forget the "friend". She brought all of this on herself and she will now have to deal with the repercussions of her actions. What goes around comes around. I fully believe in Karma and she just spit in her Karma's eye. I'm not the bad one here. I did nothing wrong but confide in a "friend" who turned out to NOT be a genuine one. You would think that after 26 years I could trust her. Well that didn't turn out so wonderful did it?

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Betrayal can come from anyone

It amazes me. Seriously. I am amazed at the lack of commitment from people in regards to relationships. I'm not talking romantic relationships. I'm talking about friendships. There are long term friendships and there are short term friendships. It's not so much the short term ones that have me boggled. There isn't a lot of time or emotions invested in short term friendships so they don't hurt too much when they end. It is those long term friendships that come to an end that has me reeling.

Yes...that very thing happened to me yesterday in the blink of reading a short email. A friend of 26 years broke the cardinal rule that friends do not EVER do. She knew I was interested in a guy and what do you think she did? You guessed it...went after him like a dog in heat. Is she kidding??? This is a woman who knew I was interested in him before I even knew it. This is a woman who said that she would never hurt me by going after a guy I was interested in and there is no way a man would come between us. Well what do you know...she lied!!!

A little background here. I met this woman when we were 15 years old. We are now 41. Our birthdays are exactly one week apart. We can read each other like a book. If something was bothering her...everyone would see a happy person. I would see that she was upset and call her on her bullshit facade. She knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me. To have her stoop to a level I never even knew she was capable of has just blown my mind into a million and one little pieces.

I no longer trust nor so I have respect for her. I can't. There is just no way I would ever do to a friend, much less a lifetime friend, what she did to me. I don't even care about the guy anymore. He is just another penis who just proved himself as another son of a bitch. Nothing new there. What I care about is how little respect she had for me and my feelings. To be told about it in a very short email and then no communication from her since has rocked me to the core. I question...did I ever really know who she is and what type of person she is? At this point...I don't believe I did.

Women may do some awful things to other women to get the man but not to a lifetime friend. A friendship ended yesterday. I haven't even cried over the loss. Why is that? Is it because I'm still so angry or is it because I didn't feel as much for her as I thought? That is very difficult to think about and really consider. Was the friendship all a sham? With yesterday's incident...I'm beginning to think it was. On her part...I am beginning to think it was. My friends...that is a thing that will suck the very breath out of ones soul.

Death of a friendship. It's heart-wrenching. It's heart-breaking. It is sad to see happen. But...it is a life learning lesson. One I hope I will be able to figure out...