Friday, August 29, 2008

Friendships

I was thinking on the way to work about the friendships I have had throughout my years on this big blue marble. I have a very small circle of friends and like it that way. People that I can safely say have my back and I can trust. I sometimes add to that circle but it's not often. Too much betrayal from my past prevents that.

Everyone makes friends from the moment they step foot into school. Some friendships last through the schooling process. Most of them end. While I am not close to one man I've known since Kindergarten...I can safely say he is a friend. The friends we make in high school, I believe, are the ones who you will have a lifetime. Not all of them mind you but a select few will remain through the trials and tribulations of your life.

While going through this thing we call life we meet people. Some stick around and become your closest friends and allies. Some stick around long enough to betray you, cause you to question humanity and your own choices. Most cross our paths on a daily basis through work, shopping, driving, going to the park or wherever your legs take you. If we are lucky we meet someone in our everyday lives that will change our view of our fellow man.

I've had friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin. They are people I know I can call upon during times of trial and they will be there to remind me that I have wings. I just need to remember how to use them. These are the people I cherish and value. People who I depend on to get me through my story.

Now we come to the people who are no longer in my life. In one way or another they have left my life story. Some on good terms. Life just took us in different directions. We parted amicably and all is well. Then there are those who took ending the friendship to the ultimate ending. Endings that burned bridges and caused a lot of heartache for me. Did it cause them pain? I don't know. I cannot speak for them. I still harbor bitterness and anger towards one friendship that ended. That is my cross to bear and one that I need to learn to let go. I used to question why those people were in my life. Now I understand, for the most part, why they came in and wreaked havoc upon my heart and life. I could go into a long winded, get on my soapbox rant about it but I won't. What I will say is that those friendships helped me grow as a person and to find my inner strength. It was through those people I learned to not be a doormat. To stand up for my own thoughts, opinions and desires. When I learned to do those things...my 'friends' started dropping off like flies.

I ended a friendship this summer. It was not easy for me to do but it had to be done. This person has known me as a mousey little girl who would put up with any kind of treatment handed to me. I am now no longer that mealy mouthed pansy. Me standing up for myself is not what she planned on. I felt good about how things transpired. Not good about the friendship ending but good about who I have become and what is acceptable for me.

Ending things are not fun. If a person can look at it as a time to grow and become the person we were meant to be. There is a short essay that I hold onto when friendships end:

Are Your Friends Here for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime?

Many of us are fortunate enough to have friends who are a consistent part of our lives throughout all our ups and downs. However, sometimes others we consider friends appear to enter, then depart from our lives for reasons we try to, but don't always, understand. This piece nicely explains the flow of people in and out of our lives.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life

Once you figure out who are reasons, seasons or lifetime...you will be a stronger and more amazing person than you ever thought you would be.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

You know you wanna giggle...

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood !

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

4. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's

5. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick

6. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

7. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

8. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..

9. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

10. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

11. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

12. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

13. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

14. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

15. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

16. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

17. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

18. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

19. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? ! Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile ;)

So many thoughts...

I seriously need to put a notepad in my purse, in my car and anywhere else I am. I had some fabulously fabulous blog thoughts today and do you know where they are? Well they certainly are not in my noggin. If they are in my noggin'...they are in the deep recesses. For the life of me I cannot remember any of them.

School starts on Tuesday. Can I hear a "WHOOPIE!!!"? The kids are going stircrazy and their phone calls to me at work are driving me up a friggin' wall. "MOM!!! She took the remote. MOM!!! She won't let me watch my show. MOM!!! I sneezed and she didn't say bless you." It doesn't matter what crisis crops up...I get a phone call. Good grief I am glad school is starting. This mama needs a break!!!

I'm feeling lost now that my layout is done. *sniff* I had purpose when I was looking for a cool layout. When fixing it to read how I wanted it to read. Now? Wandering and so lost in my little world. What is a person to do? I even changed the layout on my myspace page. Feelin' the need for change. The weather is changing so my pages need changing also.

Tell me something. Why are games now the thing to do when dating and meeting someone? I don't remember these games when I met Darren. I don't remember the men I met before Darren playing games. It went something like this: Send some emails, talk on the phone a few times, arrange to meet for dinner. If it didn't work out then you went your seperate ways. Now? OMG!!! It is all about stringing someone along. Making you think they like you and then BAM!!! Nothing. WTF??? And these are the very same men who bitch about women playing games and they just want to meet a decent woman. Hello!!! Decent woman...right here!!! Am I cynical? To a point...yes. I have gotten to a place in my life where I'm not looking at just the outside of a man but the inside. Even if he isn't Gerard on the outside...he may be on the inside. Know what I'm saying here? Granted there has to be some physical attraction but that isn't everything. My taste in men is changing but I'm finding that even men who aren't that Gerard are still self absorbed game players. I don't get it. I just don't get it. If someone could explain this to me I would be muchly beholdin'.

Mwah hahahahaha!!!!

It's done!!! My new page is done!!! Whatcha think? Nice isn't it? I know you are just diggin' my new digs. Really...you are. It's ok to admit it. :)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

In the mood for change

Making changes. Once all is done I will post...

IT'S READY!!!

The stuff in the sidebar is not mine!!! It was part of the template.

Meme seen at Nell's

Answer
In.
One.
Word.
Only.
(It’s Harder than you think)

Where is your cellphone? here
Describe your significant other? huh?
Your hair? looong
Your mother? uptight
Your father? unhappy
What is your favorite gadget? cell
What did you dream last night? didn’t
What do you prefer to drink? pepsi
Dream car? chevelle
What room are you currently in? Office
Your ex (if you have one)? p*ick
Your biggest fear? poverty
What do you want to be in 10 years? comfortable
Who did you spend last night with? kids
What are you not? happy
The last thing you did? this
What are you wearing? sweater
Favorite book? Phantom
The last thing you ate? cereal
Your life? eh
Your mood? tired
Your best friends? loyal
What are you thinking about right now? sleepy
Your car? messy
What are you doing right now? typing
Your summer? hot
Marital status? alone
What is on your TV right now? Off
When did you last laugh? today
When did you last cry? yesterday
School? done

Newness

See something different about my page? I'm sure you do. Whatcha think? Good or should I go back to the pink one? Thoughts?

Monday, August 25, 2008

3 but it needs to be 5

See this?



I'll be seeing the whole thing in 3 weeks...on stage...in Seattle. Jealous yet? I know I would be if I were you. ;)

This will be my 3rd time seeing it. I only need to see it in NYC on Broadway and in London. Then I'll be completely happy. Well...if Gerard was thrown into one of those showing I would be ecstatic. :) A girl can dream can't she?

Summer is over!!! *updated*

I don't care what the calendar says...fall is in the air and I'm thrilled!!! I have been down the last week with the summer cold from hell. I cannot even begin to remember when I have been that sick. I've been bedridden before but it was because of surgeries. Not a cold. Seriously!!! A COLD!!! Death would have been warmer than what this thing was. Miserable...completely miserable. I am now feeling 100% better than what I was last week at this time. Not fully recouped but good enough to go to work.

I am so glad summer is almost over. The kids go back to school next Tuesday and life returns to normal. The only bad thing about that is my hours are going to be cut back a bit. Business tends to slow down from September until January. It's odd but that happens throughout this valley. Even when I was working in restaurants business went way down in the fall and winter. I'm not really complaining though. I'm only cutting back to short days on the days my oldest has volleyball games. I don't like missing her matches so this works out not only for my boss but for me as well.

Still dealing with the teen angst. Heaven help me I'm not going to make it until she graduates. I love her dearly and she is the love of my life but sometimes her attitude just really bites sour lemons. Last night was one of those nights. I picked her up from the SD and it began. Nothing I did was good enough and when she said she wanted to know why I won't let her wear 3 inch heels I had had enough. The rest of the evening was spent with me not communicating with her at all. I chose to do my things such as laundry, dishes, cleaning my bathroom and then putting a second coat of paint on my vanity cabinet. Who do you think broke the silence? Wasn't me. I do believe I have found the way to get through this. Just don't give her the fight that she is wanting. Go about my business and keep busy. Once I say no...that's it. No arguement. I'm too old for that crap and I don't need the drama. It's going to be an interesting 4 years...LOL

I'm thinking this song has something to do with me. What do you think? ;)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Lesson best learned and not told

I should not have gotten out of bed on Monday. Not one thing this week has gone well. I had a feeling with Tuesday being bad that the rest of the week was not going to shape into a happy fountain.

Last night I was dealt a situation that has been typical of the household where my oldest daughter resides or in their words...visits....every other weekend. The SM chose to discuss something with my daughter when in all actuality it should have been brought up to me first. Since that lack of good judgement on the SM's part...I have been told by my daughter that I created the drama (which was created by the SM...not me), I need to grow up, I need to get along with the SM. Here is the clincher. She told me that the SM is a good person and is decent. WHAT THE FUCK??? Seriously. I needed to just say that. Her statement required me saying it full on and not just WTF. (SM = stepmonter. SD = spermdonor_

I have learned in the course of 2 hours that the SD and SM want to get along with me and try their best but it is because of me there are problems. Again...WHAT THE FUCK??? From the minute that woman entered the picture there have been problems. Let me see...she has tried to run over me with her suburban, flips me off every chance she gets, yanked my daughter out of my arms when she was 5 years old, told me that I am a piece of shit mom (said in front of my daughter), told me that I will discuss things regarding my daughter with her and not the father, slams the door in my face everytime I go to pick my daughter up from visitation, will tell my daughter I've made poor choices in my life, that I am too poor to afford anything. The list can go on but that is the highlights. My daughter has come home many, many, many times in the intervening 10 years saying that the SM treats her horribly. Now, for some ungodly reason (and I do mean UNGODLY) my daughter says that the SM is a decent and good person.

I have been in tears for the majority of today. At one point I was sobbing and breathing was difficult at best. I am borderline tears even typing this. All of this started with the SM and she knew full well it would escalate into something that could have and should have been avoided. To top the day off I was given a bit of information that has brought me to a decision I never thought I would choose. I am supposed to pick my daughter up on Friday at noon. This was set up by the SM. You see...she controls everything in that household. The SD does not. He just does what she tells him to do. She wrote the summer visitation time. He signed it. I learned today that they are going out of town on Friday and my daughter is going with them. WTF? When I asked her about it she said that I was to get her Sunday. Hang on just one bloody second. I did not write the schedule. They did. Now they are changing it or not following it? It was at that moment I gave up. I can't fight anymore. I've been fighting them for years. I am choosing to no longer play the game. I will be made out to be the villian in my daughter's eyes no matter my decision.

This is where the lesson is best learned and not told comes in. She is going to Spokane with them this weekend. It is my weekend and my time with her. He has not called me nor has he returned my phone call. That is typical of him so I'm not surprised. My daughter has been told that the SM and SD will buy her school clothes for her but yet they always say "It is your mom's responsibility to buy your clothes" which is why she always has to pack her life when she goes to his house. That includes shampoo because they won't allow her to use their's. I will let her go this weekend. I know exactly what is going to happen because it happens everytime. They will purchase nothing for her. She will be treated the exact same way she always has been. Like an outsider. I hope she will see that her views of the SM were wrong and nothing has nor will ever change with that woman. I hope that she will see that the SM has an agenda and that agenda is not in the best interest of my daughter. It is a vendetta against me. To hurt me.

I have to take a step back and keep my mouth shut now. My daughter has got to learn on her own. I am going to see her hurt and disappointed yet again. It will not be the last time. It is up to me to be strong and comfort her when all I want to do is rip their eyes out with a rusty ice pick. Stepping back...it's not going to be easy but something I know is necessary. I'm not a religious person but I pray God gives me the strength to get through it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It might be you

If you are an 80's child you will know that my title is the love song from "Tootsie". I'm sitting here surfing through youtube for some unknown reason. Maybe it's because I am bored out of my mind and taking a trip back to when life was much simpler helps me forget the things I'm facing now. I listen to this song and instantly I am transported back to my sophomore year. I was 15 years old, in a new school and life was full of teenage things. Dances, friends, boys and fast food that didn't take up residence on my hips.

I've been talking to a man who was someone I dated (I'm using dated very loosely here) when I was in 7th grade. He was so cute then but I broke up with him. Dven then I felt weird about the attention he was giving me. I'm seeing where my running from relationships had it's origins and tender beginnings. He found me and contacted me a couple of years ago. I had not heard from him or seen him since my late teens. Now, a million and one years later, I'm talking to my boyfriend from 7th grade. He has not changed at all. Ok...maybe a little bit. When I see him I still see the boy I was crazy about so many years ago.

It's strange. We have lived completely separate lives. Married. Had children. Remained in the Pacific Northwest. There was no contact for almost 1/2 of our lives. Now he is back in my life and I find I think of him a lot but want to runaway again. Why do I do that? Why is it that a man who has thought of me for close to 30 years and wants to be with me scares the hell out of me? He called me today and was very concerned about the medical things I am going through. He wants to see me. He wants to get to know me again.

Evan is what I would say is the man I picture in my head when I think about the man I want to be with. He is tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, beautiful smile, responsible, fun to talk to, quiet but not shy. So far he is all that I want in a man. I have been out of the relationship with Darren for 4 years. It was 4 years on August 1st. I've healed. I've learned. I've become the woman I am supposed to be. I am ready to date again. Why do I want to push Evan away? I have to tell myself and force myself to not leave. To not throw away what could possibly be a lifetime of happiness with a man who would love me for all that I am.

I need to remain composed. I need to not future trip but gosh...I'm terrified. How do I stop that feeling? How do I stop thinking "He is going to hurt me just like everyone else has and does"? A new song just came on.

When I fall in love it will be forever
Or Ill never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart it will be completely
Or Ill never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you.


That is what I want. When I fall in love it will be forever. I won't settle for less than forever.

Friday, August 08, 2008

A last resort

I have created a website, which was a last resort but I'm at that point. Please go look at it and send it along to everyone you know and urge them to do the same. Maybe this will finally get me on a road I need to be on and take care of my medical issues once and for all. Thank you sooo much!!!