Thursday, September 25, 2008

What to think...?

I have so many different things going through my head. To learn that I'm going to be able to get the MRI and then surgery has really put my mind in a spin. I never truly thought it would happen. I had given up. Then from out of nowhere an angel kisses my forehead. That kiss has put me in a position I am truly thankful for but...terrified to be in. With all of the roadblocks I've hit in trying to pay for this stuff I didn't prepare myself for when it happened. It's overwhelming but in a good way.

While talking to the nurse the other day I forgot to ask her some questions. Yes...the fear factor kicked in. One question just rolled into another and another and another. I only wanted to know what the recovery time would be. After multiple surgeries on my tummy I figured it was going to be at least 6 weeks. When she told me 2 weeks at the most, I just about fell off of my chair. Really? I can do 2 weeks. No problem. With the kids, Natalie and possibly Wendy during the nights and David during the days while the kids are at school...I can do that. Piece of cake.

More questions came out of my mouth after that though.

Had Dr. Monson done this surgery before? Yes and many times.

Were they women who had cancer or women being proactive? Almost an equal balance of both.

Do I need to tell him before surgery if I want reconstruction? Yes that would be a good idea.

Do I have reconstruction in Wenatchee? No. That will be done in Seattle because they don't have someone in Wenatchee that my doctor would recommend.

What about pain? While there is pain after surgery, obviously, there are a lot of women who report little to no pain at all and don't even use their pain meds.

I'm sure I will think of more questions to ask before the day of surgery but those were foremost in my mind. For now I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this is going to happen. I'm excited, nervous, terrified, sad and every other emotion out there. I'm angry that I even have to think of doing this. Sad that I'll be losing my breasts (kind of sad but not too much). Excited at the thought of almost completely eradicating my chance of developing BC. There is still a very very small chance but I'm willing to take that chance. Nervous at what my body will look like once everything is all said and done. Perky boobs again!!! Seriously? I haven't had perky boobs since I had kids. Terrified to see my body without breasts for the first time. That one really has me a bit freaked. What will I think? How will I feel? I know I won't regret it but it's still a scary thing to see myself without my mamm's.

Now the question is...when do I want to do the surgery? Before or after Vegas? LOL

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

MRI's and removals

I got a call from my nurse today. Found out a few things. One...The breast and cervical health program does not help pay for MRI's. I knew this. What I didn't know was...if the MRI finds that there is any cancer within one of the lumps they will pay for my surgery. Seriously. That is what they said. I was stunned. So with that said...I will be getting my MRI sometime really soon. Even if there isn't cancer cells in the lumps I will continue with my plan to remove my breasts. I can apply for Compassionate Care through the hospital where I'll have the surgery and get the bill decreased or possibly paid off.

So for those of you who do not believe in miracles...you are now witnessing one. :)

More than one way to skin a cat

I don't get that saying. How can you skin a cat more than one way? Seriously. Anyway...there is a point to that saying in this instance. While looking at my website I saw an advertisement at the top for government grants. Me being the inquisitive one...I decided to do some checking. Looks like there are legitimate programs out there which are government run who hand out money left and right in the form of grants. I like that word. Grant. Grant means no paying it back. Always a good thing. So me...in my infinite wisdom thought "Well why can't the government grant me some money?" I'm a single mom. I'm uninsured in regards to healthcare. I'm below the poverty level. I should be able to get some help.

I've also decided to apply for Habitat for Humanity. I'm just hoping that if I'm chosen that the house will be out in the area I live in. I really don't want to change school districts for the kids. We will see how the meeting goes. It's October 9th with the application needing to be turned in the following week. Would mean a lot of work for me (500 hours of volunteering to build the house) but it would be worth it. Getting into a HFH home would save me almost $200/month so that is a definite bonus if I'm chosen. If it's meant to be...it will happen. If not...I know that there are better things on the horizon for me. I just need to be patient and allow them to happen.

Other than all of that stuff...not much going on. Emailing/texting a couple of men. Taking things one day at a time. I don't future trip anymore. Gets me into trouble and always breaks my heart. My heart can't take anymore breakage. I just want to meet one man who will prove to me that he is not like all of the others...complete schmucks. Not a lot to ask...right?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Changes

People can change. I have witnessed it and experienced it. Take me for example...am I the same woman I was 4 years ago? Not even remotely close. Honestly? I have no clue who that woman was. All I can remember about her was that she was extremely unhappy and did not see any way out of her unhappiness. Thankfully there were some friends who held onto her, stuck by her side while she was making stupid mistakes knowing full well that she was hurting and reacting from that pain and they helped her see the light at the end of the tunnel. That woman died sometime in the past 4 years. I cannot honestly tell you when because it was a gradual death. Bit by bit she stopped breathing and the woman who I am today took over.

Change does not happen overnight. A person cannot become who they were meant to be in a 24 hour time span. It takes mistakes, successes, enlightenment and support from people who love them. Through that growth period there are going to be people who drop out of the circle of friends. People who don't like the changes they are seeing in someone. I've come to the opinion that those people leave because it makes their own faults and foibles so glaringly painful to them. They need negative people around them so they don't have to focus on just how unhappy their lives are. They can cover their trials with a game face so to speak. Pretend that they aren't a miserable person. As long as they don't have to face their demons...they don't exist. They don't exist until they see a friend decide to pluck up the courage to pull themselves from the abyss and get their life in order. Once they see that happen...they will do everything within their power to end the friendship so they don't have to deal with their own black hole of a life. It's sad there are people who do not want their friends to change and grow as a person. I know this all too well from my personal experiences.

Changing as a person is a good thing if you take that change in a positive direction. A negative direction needs no definition. I experienced a positive change in someone last night. It brought me to tears and even this morning when I was thinking about it I was tearing up. People change. Some for the good. Some for the bad. The only way to see that change is to get to know the person. See them for who they are now. Not who they were then. If everyone were to do that...we would be a much happier people.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Is today Monday?

Seriously. Not one bloody thing has gone right today. Hair is awful. Clothes I wanted to wear looked horrible on me. Payroll check was minus a week because I was sick. A girl here in the office ate my lunch. She offered me her leftover sushi. WTF? I don't even like sushi. Isn't today just lovely?

I spoke with the nurse at the clinic today about my MRI and surgery. She is doing some checking to see what resources I have to get the MRI. She told me that the surgery can be sent through the compassionate care program at the hospital. It's a program that will either pay off the bill or lower it based upon income. I'm not stressed about the surgery. I'm stressed about not being able to get the fricking MRI!!! I did ask the nurse why the need for the MRI before surgery and she said so the doctor will know which way to go. If there are cancerous cells then he would remove the breasts and then proceed with chemo. No cancerous cells? Just remove the breasts and let me heal. She did explain MRI's to me. The MRI gives them a much better picture of the breast and if there are little critters in the lumps. Much better than a mammo or an ultrasound.

I never thought I would say this but...

I WANT THE FRICKING MRI!!!

Can I cry now?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Weekends are meant for family, friends, fairs and Phantom

Ok...Phantom starts with a P but it sounds like an F. Cut me some slack ok? Sheesh. The weekend was amazing aside from a bit of a situation with a 9 year old prima donna. We moved past it though. At least for the weekend. Good heavens I hope this is just a stage she is going through.

The drive to Seattle was uneventful but gorgeous. I love driving over Snoqualmie when the leaves are starting to change their colors. Lunch in North Bend with a short trip into "Coach" and then we headed to Sabrina's. What??? Do you honestly think I won't go into a purse store? Please. After what seemed like forever...we meaning me...of doing the hair we were off to dinner. Look at this picture:

Yes...I had to put my hair up. I just had to do a little experiment and see what would happen. It happened. Sabrina and I both noticed it. Stares and lots of double takes. It's official. I look like Sarah Palin. Even a client came into the office yesterday looking at me and then said "I knew I knew someone who looked like Sarah Palin!!!" LOL

Phantom was AMAZING!!! The girl who played Christine Daae has a voice from heaven. Out of the 3 shows I've seen...this was the best by far. The Paramount Theater is heaven to look at. I would love to see a show there again. Hmmm....maybe I will if one comes up that I feel the need to see.

Saturday we were going to head to the Seattle Waterfront and Pike Place Market. Sabrina changed our minds. She said that the Puyallup Fair was going. Well duh!!! Fair food!!! I will always choose fair food over wandering and people watching. After walking around a fair that is the largest I had ever been to I came to one conclusion...this will be an annual thing for me and the girls. The food was awesome, the grounds were clean, people weren't completely rude, I got a great buy on 400 thread count sheets (doesn't everyone buy bed sheets at the fair?) and in general it beats the hell out of the Central Washington State Fair that is here in Yakima.

Exhaustion reigned on Sunday. I was a complete spaghetti noodle for most of the day. After 2 days of being on the go I needed to rest. All in all...it was a fabulous weekend and one that was well worth the 3 month wait. Now? Phantom in NYC and London. :)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A must listen


After lots of research and talking to a man whom I thought was my uncle...I find out that the man whom I thought was my "father" was infact sterile. He passed away when I was 19 so I will never be able to talk to him about it. My birth mother slept around and apparently there were 2 men she slept with in July 1966. Seeing how the man she said was my father really isn't...I deducted that the other one is my father. He has a son named JR. I learned through my sister that he is a country singer trying to make it in Nashville. I added JR to my Myspace and have since found out that there are some major recording labels who are really interested in him. I am so impressed with him and if he truly is my brother (which in my heart I've always felt that he was...I learned of him when I was 19) then I will be the proudest sister around. Give him a listen. He is quite good and I truly hope and pray he makes it big. :)

Pancakes and POTO

This weekend is going to be one I have looked forward to for months. I bought tickets to see Phantom back in June so you can only guess that it's been driving me batty just waiting for Sept 12th. Once I see this show it will be the 3rd time. I have only 2 more productions of POTO to see and I'll be happy. Broadway and London. I was thinking that seeing it on Broadway on a Thursday night, fly out to London on Friday and see the show on Saturday. Wouldn't that just be too cool for words? Well...for me it would be. Duh.

Next Saturday I have a date. *gasp* I KNOW!!! Can you believe it? Neither can I. He lives in Bellevue (2 hours away) so I offered to meet him halfway. It is only fair. Besides...if the date isn't working out I can always say that I need to head home before it gets too late. See? I'm using my noodle. We chatted on the phone last night and I told him that I wanted pancakes for our dinner. He laughed and said that was a great idea. No pressure there. I hate first dates. They are just not fun. Will this be my last first date or just another notch in the journal of first dates? Who knows. No future tripping or expectations. Tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed all to hell. Call me cynical but it's the way of the dating world in today's world. Makes me wonder why I do it. I know!!! FOR THE PANCAKES!!! :)

Friday, September 05, 2008

Uncanny or what...?




It has been brought to my attention that I look like a certain VP candidate. What do you think?




Thursday, September 04, 2008

Everywhere I turn...

I'm seeing signs of fall. Even some of the leaves have begun to change. Summer is still trying to hold on and you can see it gasping it's last breath as the cooler weather begins to take over. I love fall more than any other season. Spring does come in a close second.

Such different opposing seasons. Spring is a new beginning. Wildlife babies being born. Flowers peeking through the thawing ground to soak in the new sun. Windows being opened in homes to let in the fresh air. A time of waking from winter's slumber.

Fall is the last breath of life. Trees take on a new coat of color with the changing of the leaves. Flowers begin to wither and pass on. In all of that there is the awakening of the senses as scents such as nutmeg, clove and cinnamon take over kitchens as chef's, professional and family, being to produce such wonders as apple tarts, pumpkin pie, and cinnamon rolls. Here in Yakima the Central Washington State Fair begins the end of September. When those smells start wafting around you know...fall has begun.

I'm entering a time of the year where my mood lifts and happiness is a part of everyday life. I see nothing but light throughout this season and into the holidays. I know I have some pressing issues facing me and if it weren't for autumn I would most likely be giving into the pressure and seriousness of it. I will be seeing Phantom of the Opera next Friday with my children and best friend. A fabulous beginning to what I consider the most wonderful season of the year.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Did someone say Vegas?

I've got an itch and the only thing that can scratch it is....go to Vegas for my birthday. It's going to be my 2nd anniversary of my 40th year. I want to do something fun. So...I sent out emails to all of my girlfriends that I had emails for and put out the word. So far it's been all positive and everyone thinks it's a great idea. My last little excursion to Vegas was more of a "OMG...I feel like a queen" type of trip. I want to experience Vegas as a "poor" girl this time. LOL I'm not complaining about my last trip. Heavens no!!! I had such an amazing time and it was an experience of a lifetime. One I will always cherish and to be honest...one I wasn't sure I deserved. The whole trip was like a dream and I still can't believe I was the one who lived it.

I got an email this weekend from a dear friend of mine who is in the medical field. She is going to do some researching and see if there is a doctor who will do my surgery at little or no cost to me. If that happens...it will be a blessing beyond anything I could have asked for. Not having medical insurance really bites ya know that? I am so thankful for the friends I have. Without them...not sure where I would be right now. Probably wallowing in my own misery somewhere in Tahiti. What??? A person can't be miserable in Tahiti? ;)

Life handed me an ugly card this summer and it was difficult to get through but...I got through it and I'm looking forward to wonderful experiences with my friends the next couple of seasons. Can't ask for more than that.