Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween!!!

Have a safe and fabulous Halloween!!!

happy halloween Pictures, Images and Photos

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Smart little Stitch

Things are progressing here. I've made some calls and the ball is rolling. I'm so relieved that we are going to get the help our house needs. All 3 of us have some serious healing to do. I believe that once that occurs we will be a stronger and closer little family than we could ever think was possible. As Stitch says "This is my family. It's little...and broken...but still good. Yeah...still good"

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Hidden pain



Yesterday was a rough day. A lot of talking and crying. It breaks my heart to see my daughter in so much pain. What really cuts into my heart and soul is that I have caused part of her pain. I know that I have a lot of wrong things with her. Things that were done out of anger towards her father and his household. All I can do is apologize to her for those wrongs and I did do that yesterday. It was a difficult thing to admit to myself. I know I'm not a perfect mom and I will admit to my faults. To know that I am part to blame for how angry my daughter is just tears me up. My anger and frustration with her father should have never been put upon her shoulders. I feel so guilty and I need to find a way to work through that.

I'm calling to set up some counseling for her. At least she agreed to that. I was so thankful by the time the conversation was done. It was a civilized talk and no yelling. That is a first for us. Maybe we are both growing up and learning. It's going to be a difficult time in my home for awhile. I know that with a lot of work and even more understanding we can get through this.

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I'm playing with my formatting. Sorry for all of the tests and whatever other nonsense that may come across. ;)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Amazing when you go to the source

I just got off of the phone with the one woman I try to not talk to. K's stepmother. I had called her father and got his voicemail. It's October and he is usually gone hunting. When I spoke with the SM I found out something quite interesting. Seems that the blatant disregard for rules is not just in my home. It's in theirs also. The SM is a nurse and sometimes she is on-call. A duh statement right? Apparently that doesn't matter with K. Last time she was at their house she snuck the phone into her bedroom and was making phone calls after 10pm. Excuse me??? That is a no-no in my home and from what I know of her father...it's the same rule. No late night phone calls. Especially when someone is on-call for their job. I asked the SM to please keep the lines of communication open with me as I am very worried about K. I told her that I've read some emails that K has written about her boyfriend and her which are very concerning to me. I also asked that they be on the same page as I am with the grounding because this needs to be stopped now. She said she has 3 teenagers at home so she understands. When I mentioned Myspace she stopped me and said that K will not be allowed on the computer. I told her that K is grounded for 2 weeks and then explained in more detail why. The only thing that is saving K's butt this weekend at his house is her birthday party. If it wasn't for that I have a feeling she wouldn't be doing anything at all.

Last night when I picked her up from volleyball she wanted to know why I wasn't in a good mood. When I told her that I don't appreciate getting calls at work telling me that she is in trouble again. Her mood went from happy to completely pissed off. She was informed that she was grounded for 2 weeks which means no phone and no computer. I told her that she will do her chores and then I will make a list of things for her to do around the house. Once that was said she tried to justify her actions and telling me that even the teacher who called me thinks the rule is stupid. K went on to inform me that other kids will hold hands and kiss in the halls or rooms but they don't get in trouble. I don't really care about the other kids. My concern is K. She is developing a complete disregard for the rules and it has to be stopped. She did not like me much when I told her that. I was smart though and the last thing I said to her before we got home was "You will NOT take your anger out on me, J, or the dog. You will NOT slam doors or throw anything." Of course she had a smartassed comment. I repeated what I said to her and that was the end of the conversation. I'm seriously worried about her. I understand teen angst but she is going beyond that. She is mean and will kick the dog, yell at J for no reason, talk back to adults, lie and the list goes on. I'm hoping that getting her on some form of medication to balance her out with the periods and mood swings will help. Right now...it's the only thing I have to hold on to.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Vodka and a straight jacket anyone?

If you have the above please send them to me. I am a mom to an almost 14 year old girl. She has a boyfriend whom I have yet to meet. He did get help get her in trouble today. They were holding hands at school and that is a no-no. This was the second time they were caught. A referral soon followed. Detention will be going hand in hand with that referral. That referral also warranted a phone call to me here at work. I'm a pissed off mom.

My daughter is spiraling out of hand at this point. Her boyfriend is touching her in places no 14 year old should be touching. Friends are daring her to touch his...dare I say it....balls while they are in between classes. She is talking about making out with him with her friends. Am I worried? Oh you have no idea. She is working very hard on obtaining a reputation at school and it won't be a good one.

I was informed by my teenager yesterday that she is embarrassed by me and the fact that we are poor. She is angry at me because I have been preoccupied with my health for the past few months. She is angry at me because we live in a single wide trailer. She is angry at me because I breathe. I asked my boss when was it that I became satan. He said "The day she turned 13." Lovely.

She is pushing me to points where honestly I have no clue what to do. I know I need to get her emotional roller coaster under control. It is complete madness the week before she starts her period. I'm going to take her to the doc and see if we can't fix this. The stress is just too much to deal with. It isn't affecting only me but Jordin. She is afraid of her own sister and will give in to her just to keep the peace. I'm getting to the same point. We try to stay away from her or not say anything that we think or know will piss her off. Talk about walking on eggshells all of the time. It's just insane. I hate being on a roller coaster when it comes to my kid and her emotions. One minute she is fine. The next we have plunged into the darkest abyss I have ever been in. I'm losing my daughter and I need to get her back. I'm just hoping that the doc can do something. If not...my family is going to fall apart. I can't let that happen. I just can't.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Decisions and just what do I do?

Went to see the surgeon yesterday. Thankfully it was at the end of the day instead of the beginning. At least I got to enjoy the day before my mind became a mush pot. Lots of details, explanations and different routes to take with this surgery. Right now I'm so messed up in my head and overwhelmed with the decisions I need to make. Difficult decisions that I really wish I wasn't making on my own. I wish I had a husband to talk to. Even a boyfriend would be nice. Someone I could bounce thoughts off of and get his thoughts. I know that ultimately it's my decision but to have someone who loves me and is standing behind me in all that I do would be a great help. I have my friends and they have been amazing. I just hate burdening them with this crap when they have their own lives and issues to contend with. Mark with his damage from hurricane Ike for instance. That is a big thing for him. He doesn't need my whining when he has big stuff going on also.

Being a single mom isn't easy. Sometimes it flat out sucks. Being alone every night I go to bed? Difficult at best. Lonely as hell. There is only one silver lining at this point. I don't have cancer and this is a decision I don't need to make immediately. Maybe for now I just need to put it on the back burner and not think about it. At least for awhile...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Yes? No?

That would be a big fat...

NO CANCER!!!

I called the doctor's office today and the nurse was out but the nurse who answered the phone gave me the results. On the right there are fibrocystic masses. Well that was news to me!!! On the left there are masses and while they weren't fibrocystic they did not present as worrisome to the doctor. YEAH!!! I did leave a message to have my nurse call me. I'm still going through with the bilateral mastectomy. I CANNOT go through this stress every 6 months or even every year. It was and is just too much for me to handle.

I'm really thinking I want to wait until after our trip to Vegas in April. I guess it all depends on when I can get the reconstruction. Save that subject for after my conversation with Kristi. :) For now...

NO CANCER!!!!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Just when you think...

That all is lost...you find that little bit of faith you thought you lost in humanity. Today I was given just a bit of my lost faith back. A woman that I met at the church I used to attend (yes...I used to go to church...wipe that shocked look off of your face...sheesh) saw me walking into work today so she had to yell at me to get my attention. I was focused don't ya know? She wanted to know what was going on and how I was doing. I told her about the MRI on Friday and where things stood with that. She asked if I had health insurance and was stunned to find out that I didn't and can't even get help through the state without quitting my job. She said she is keeping me in her prayers and then said she is going to get to work on a fundraiser for me. HUH? What did you say? I said FUNDRAISER! My pride was pushed aside and accepted her offer. How can I not? I'm facing medical bills that will meet or exceed $20,000. Hello. I don't make that much in 2 freaking years!!!

Fast forward to a couple of hours later. A client walks into the office to pay her bill. A client that I know is very well connected here in the valley. She knows a lot of people. I mean A LOT!!! She used to work for one of the television stations here in town. I mentioned what Dianne (the angel from church) said she is wanting to do for me and what does my client say? Let me know what the plan is and I will start making calls. Again...HUH? Seriously my friends...there are some amazingly wonderful people out there. They want to help. All that needs to be done is swallowing your pride and accept the help. That is exactly what I'm doing. Swallowing my pride and accepting.

On that same train of thought...I got a call today. A return call from a phone call I made...oh...6 months ago. SERIOUSLY??? Ok. They aren't so prompt at returning calls but I won't complain because it was about weatherization for my house. I have an appointment Monday and someone is going to come out to look at my house and see if it qualifies to be weatherized. Holy cow!!! That would mean new windows and new central air and heat. Wouldn't that just be fabulous? Well...for me it would be. My A/C went out twice this summer and on the hottest days of the year. Nothing like a house that is 90+ degrees inside. Like sleeping in a tin can. I'm happy. Maybe the windows will be repaired and all will be well other than getting new flooring and painting. When that is done...I will have a decent home. One I won't be embarassed or ashamed to have people come over to. That is a good thing.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Friday October 10th...off to Seattle I go

Yep...I am heading to Seattle on the 10th. Not for any kinds of fun and excitement though. Well...I will be a little loopy after noon that day. I'm going in for my MRI. Seeing how I am completely and totally claustrophobic...they are going to drug me. A "mild" sedative. Whatever. That is what they said when I was heading in for my hyster. Once they introduced the sedative into my IV I was out before they even wheeled me to the door. I'm a serious pansyass when it comes to medication. One vicodin and I'm out. WHEE!!! So with that said...I will be bringing someone to drive me home. Hopefully I will be back to normal after a 2 1/2 hour drive.

Once the MRI is out of the way and my Doc has read it I will be scheduling the surgery. I've decided that if there isn't cancer to be found...I will put off surgery until after April. I will be off of work for 2 weeks and I will have one week vacation coming to me in April. Not getting paid for a week is so much easier than 2. All is going to be good for me.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Crocodile rock

Don't even tell me ya'all don't remember that song. It's on the radio right now and I'm remembering when life was so much easier. No worries other than the Friday night game and dances at the civic center. Being 17 was such an amazing year for me. I loved being carefree and living life to the fullest. I had a lot of friends, my drivers license, a car and my parents would give me money for gas, going out and clothes. No bills and no expenses I had to pay on my own. Yes...I was spoiled. I didn't have to work and could sleep in on the weekends without kids or a dog yelling at me. Medical concerns weren't even part of my thought processes. Now it's almost 25 years later and those carefree, no responsibility days are long gone.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking about where my life is heading in the next few months. Never in my 41 years did I imagine taking the road I am on. Don't get me wrong...I'm not regretting making the decision I have made. I won't lie though...it's overwhelming sometimes. I'm relieved to be getting the MRI and then scheduling the surgery. Relieved and a bit scared. Ok...a lot scared. I know I will be living without breasts for a little while and that is going to be a mindtrip in and of itself. I do plan on getting reconstruction so thankfully the mindtrip won't be for the rest of my life. When I do my monthly BSE I can still feel the original lump that started me on this trip but...I can now feel the lump that the doctor found in March. Then I get to the right breast. Nothing there. At least nothing that shouldn't be. It's so weird. I know...TMI. LOL

Life takes unexpected turns. Some good. Some not so great. It's the not so great ones we really need to take a look at and learn to turn it into a positive. Life will be so much more pleasant if we do.