Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Year end blog

I cannot say that 2009 was a bad year. Actually...it was a really good one.

January - Hated the start of the year. Met someone but found out that he is a womanizer and man-whore. He didn't want anything to do with me when I said I wouldn't have sex with him. I stopped watching the news after that. Yes...he is a well known tv personality here in town.

February - Got serious about finding a new place to live. The house I was in was starting to make me and the kids sick. End of the month I walked into a house that I knew in an instant was going to be my new home.

March - Moved into MY new home. :) Saw "Twilight" for the first time. The addiction began.

April - First GWO was the beginning of the month. Learned that the words "Christian" and "hypocrite" go hand in hand. Someone who couldn't accept me being honest and truthful chose to end our friendship. With that action the weight he left on my heart was lifted.

May - Not a lot happened in May. Jordin turned 10 and that freaked me out a bit. When did my baby grow up?

June - School is out. Oh boy. A full 3 months of hearing "MOM!!! I'm bored!!!" Found out about the "Twilight Cruise" to Alaska. Put my deposit down. :)

July - Went to Vancouver and spent 4th of July weekend with Tina. We took the "Twilight" tour and had a blast!!! I did learn to not have any kind of food at The Viewpoint Inn. Their hamburgers were still moo'ing when they were served to us. Needless to say...I had some tummy issues later in the day.

August - Mom and dad came to visit. I miss them so much. :(

September - My baby girl started high school. When the hell did that happen???

October - My baby girl turned 15. WHAT??? I'm not diggin this at all.

November - After 6 months of planning I had a New Moon party. Went to see New Moon the first of many times. Realized that I will not plan the Eclipse party. Someone else can do it. This planning stuff is exhausting.

December - Had the best Christmas since 2000. Lots of Twilight stuff. :)

All in all...a great year. Next year is shaping up to be even better. A trip to NY, 2nd annual GWO, Eclipse party, 25 year high school reunion, cruise, my parents coming to visit, Kyla getting her drivers license. See? Busy. I like it.

All's quiet on the western front

Really. It is. OMT!!! I cannot believe how fricking quiet it's been. Not only at work but everywhere I look. The cruise forums are almost at a stand still. Television shows are nothing but reruns. Even status updates on Facebook are dragging. What is going on??? Gives me too much time to think. All of the thoughts running around in my melon took me in this direction...

Why do people settle?

Seriously. Why? I have known so many people who settle for any warm body that pays attention to them just to have someone in their life.

1. A friend told me once that if she had it to do over she would have never married her husband. She said that the only reason she stays with him is for financial reasons and she doesn't want to be alone.

2. Another friend started dating a man, who in my opinion was not worthy of her, and he was verbally abusive. Telling her to stop eating because she is fat and saying hurtful things that no one should ever put up with. She is now married to him!!!

3. Yet another friend met a man who was still married when she met him. He was everything she didn't want. Smoker, married, bad teeth, didn't have a good job. She is now living with this man and engaged to marry him. Last I heard she is very unhappy.

4. A man I know is with a woman who he isn't sure about but he keeps her around anyway.

5. Another man I am friends with has been dating a woman for 10 months. I only found out about her 2 months ago because he just wasn't sure. She has 4 children, she has an asshole of an ex husband, she is everything he doesn't want but he stays with her. He always ends up with these women who need to be fixed.

What in the hell is it with people settling??? Life is too bloody short to accept less than what you want and deserve in life. I know that I settled in my last long term relationship. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. He was everything I don't want in a man. In hindsight I know that I was settling. I was accepting any warm body just so I wouldn't be alone. No matter what it cost me.

It's all around us though. People accepting what is put in front of them without question. Why? It's your life. Question everything that will affect your life! Don't accept less than where you have set your sights and standards. Never lower the bar just to have a warm body in your bed. Using the excuse of "I can't make it financially" is such a cop out. Seriously people. I'm a single mom!!! I've been supporting myself for over 5 years. I work. I get child support. Sometimes I sell things on ebay or craigslist so I can make ends meet. It may be tough for me but I can look myself in the mirror and know that I'm not allowing someone who is not what I want for a partner into my life. A second income is not worth losing my self confidence, self worth and self esteem over. I am way too valuable to allow that to happen.

Are my standards too high? No. I think they are exactly where they should be. I've been in abusive relationships. Physical. Emotional. Mental. I have settled. I have been single for 5 years. There are times when I hate it but then I think "Okay Tracey. You could find any man and have the other side of your bed warm every night but will you truly be happy?". I always answer "No. I wouldn't". I'm given one shot at this life. I don't want to one day breathe my last breath knowing that I gave in. That I didn't hold out for the best. Will that thought keep me alone for the rest of my life? It will if I don't meet the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. A man who is everything I've wanted and dreamed of. Thing about that is...I'm okay if I don't meet him. I will never settle though. I won't be unhappy like a lot of people I know are.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Just my opinion

but I think that the 80's was the most amazing decade for music ever. I'm sitting here listening to Rick Springfield's "Don't talk to Strangers" and talk about a flashback. The music in the 80's was exactly that. Music. Not that bass ridden, hip hop crap they say is music today. What the hell is that stuff anyway? I know it's not my age saying that. Seriously. There is just nothing there that has any kind of redeeming value. You sure as hell can't really dance to it unless you can pop and whatever else they do now. If you aren't a hip hop dancer...forget even trying to dance to it. In the 80's there were definitely people who couldn't dance well but at least they could kind of keep to the beat. All of the music in the 80's had a different sound and beat to it. Not like the songs of today. Same song different singer is what it seems to be now.

I'm listening to Rick and remembering my first concert which just so happened to be Rick Springfield. OMT!!! I thought I was going to die when he came out on stage. Goodness that man was gorgeous. He still is. I loved the 80's and there are times I wish I could go back and just live one week. To remember how much fun it was. No fear of gangs. No fear of being shot in my own school. Just learning drill team routines. Going out to Selah Civic Center teen dances. Cruising Yakima Ave and being innocent. Enjoying what it means to be a teenager. I am sad that my daughters will never know what I knew then. To live such a fun carefree life, turning up the radio when Rick Springfield came on singing "Human Touch" or Wham's "Wake me up before you go-go". When there wasn't so much hate in the world and wars were something we studied in history.

The 1980's were an amazing time and I am so glad I got to experience it from the neon, to Wham to the original Live Aid. I'm an 80's child and proud of it. :)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Christmas and Twilight

Never in a million years did I think that reading a saga would bring some of the most amazing people into my life. People from all walks of life and different corners of the world. When I signed on for the cruise little did I know that I was part of a group of men and women who would become very dear friends. A couple of friends that I met through the cruise forum flew up here last month to attend my New Moon party. To be honest...that blew my mind. I have a very small circle of friends as we all know. I'm very leery of people in general and to have 2 women spend the time and money to fly from CA to my house just to spend time with me took me completely by surprise. It showed me that I am not what others have tried to tell me I am. A bad person. A bad friend and I think only of myself.

This post is actually going somewhere. I look at my Christmas tree and it reminds me of just how much people think of me and that I'm loved. My tree was decorated by my children and it is gorgeous but each and every day for the last week I've been adding more to it. Each day I receive a Christmas card from my Twilight friends. Each day my tree is decorated with the cards I take out of my mailbox. It is a beautiful tree. Decorated by people I love and people who love me. I may physically be alone this Christmas but when I turn off the lights and turn on the Christmas tree...I am reminded that I am never alone. I am surrounded by family and friends. This is turning out to be one of the most amazing Christmas' that I have had in many years. :)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sometimes ya gotta take a step back...

I'm single. We all know that. Sometimes it sucks but for the most part I'm enjoying my freedom. I'm able to come and go as I please. Well...within reason. I need to make sure that my kids are either with me or being taken care of. I get to go on a cruise and I didn't have to talk to a man to see if he would be okay with it. I just called and put my deposit down. I'm hoping to go to New York for a mini vacation in February. No one to ask if he is okay with it. I'm just doing it. Then we get to GWO. I started the "tradition" with the trip we took this year. I thought it would be a good thing for all of us to get together at least once a year. To be women instead of mom's. Little did I know that what I thought was a good idea would end up causing me more stress than is necessary. I'm not going to get into the why's and what for's. It stresses me out and brings me to tears.

I've canceled the GWO for 2010. Well...I've canceled it for me. The rest of my friends can get together if they want to. I can't control that. What I can control is what I do. I choose to not be involved for the next GWO. I choose to not be the planner again. When I get comments like "I don't care where you choose. I just can't wait to go" and then when I do choose a place that has everything everyone was requesting I get "Isn't that too far to drive?" even though the first place I had picked was much further and that one was okay. I wasted way too much time and energy on finding a perfect place. I won't do it again.

GWO is a good concept. It is just a concept that I won't be in charge of again. If someone else doesn't take it over then GWO will be nothing more than a pleasant memory of 2009.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

View of self

Sometime in the last year I lost me. Not because of some drama. Not because I started feeling sorry for myself. Not because of anything at all. At least not anything that people would say is typical. I used to wear cute clothes with a kind of Carrie flair. Always something a little different added to my conforming outfits. It's what made me stand out a little bit. Since moving I have yet to be the quirky me. For work I wear black pants, a sweater and non-descript black boots. Last year at this time? I never went to work without wearing 3 inch heels. Hmmmm.....

Since buying the house I've gained weight. I attribute that to losing the stress factor I had in my life. I'm working on losing the weight. It's not a lot, thank goodness, but it's just enough to make me feel not so pretty. I was completely stupid in June and decided to cut my hair off. I now regret that. What in the world possessed me to cut hair that was past my bra strap off to just under my ears? Not a bloody clue. I started taking vitamins that helps hair grow fast and it's actually working. By next August I should have my long hair back. I know that not having long hair has been a part of me feeling beige. I'm just blending in. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a blending in kind of person. I like to stand out. Be the flirty, fun to be around person.

I have made decisions that I will stick to and bring myself out of the beige mode I put myself in.

1. Get back into my size 6 jeans
2. Grow my hair back out
3. Get contacts (want lasik but that scares the hell out of me)
4. Quirkify my wardrobe again
5. Experiment with different makeup and find what really looks good
6. Take mini vacations throughout the year to keep myself energized

It's not a difficult list to stick to. I just need to remember to think about myself more and not get so wrapped up in other things. At the end of the day the thing that really matters is how I feel about myself. After that...everything else will fall into place.

Friday, December 11, 2009

It's a struggle...

I decided back in October that I needed to start working out. Since buying my house and having the lump in my breast removed I've gained some weight. I've gone from a size 8 to a 10. Ouch. Goes to show that stress is the best diet out there. Remove the stress and guess what? You gain weight!!! Well...at least I did and I'm hating it with a fricking passion!!! The cruise has given me incentive to lose what I've gained. Let me tell you...it was easier putting it on than taking it off. I joined Curves and didn't really get serious about it until the last couple of weeks. Today was my day to be measured. I've lost an inch in my waist and 2% body fat. WOW!!! I didn't think I was losing anything. If this keeps up I'll make my goal by cruise time. I have a pair of jeans I could wear when I turned 40 and they were a size 6. I liked how I looked in them and I want to be able to wear them again. I know I can do it and having the club in the same building where I work helps. I can't make excuses to not go plus the owner won't let me slide. She stays on me and reminds me why I'm doing this. I have noticed something though. I feel really good after working out. At least now that I'm really into it. The first week or two I wanted to die. I kept thinking "What the hell did I get myself into???" Now I'm holding myself accountable and even when I don't want to go work out...I do it anyway. My eating habits still haven't changed though. I really need to work on that one. Trying to stop drinking so much soda and that is a serious challenge. I've gotten myself to where I don't buy it in the mornings anymore. I drink water as soon as I get to work and I think that is helping. All I know is that I want to look amazing for the cruise and nothing is going to stop me from reaching my goal. :)

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Okay...where's Tracey and what did you do with her?

Today I found out that a guy I used to date is moving into an assisted living facility. Apparently he has some dystrophy in his nerves and has no use of his legs and is in a wheelchair. We were both 21 when we dated. He was someone that started me on the "do not trust men" road. After putting up with the lies, the cheating and the humiliation for over a year the relationship ended. I never looked back nor did I want anything to do with him. Every once in awhile I would hear something about him and I would take it with a grain of salt. I figured it was more lies. He was soooo good at that. Lie after lie after lie would come out of that man's mouth. Now I sit here and still question if he is still lying and creating this medical condition. I should feel bad for him. I should have some kind of compassion and sympathy for him. I don't. I feel nothing but "Oh well...Karma's a bitch isn't it?". Where did that come from??? That is so unlike me to not feel any kind of anything for someone who is suffering.

I haven't thought of this man in years and have put my experience with him in a little box and placed it on a shelf somewhere in the back of my mind. After learning of his problem I've thought of almost nothing but him today. Why? I thought I had forgiven him. I thought I had gotten past what he had done to me. It was 20 freaking years ago!!! Makes me wonder...am I still holding onto every hurt that has ever been done to me by a man? I know I've let the crap that happened with Darren go. When he said he couldn't be friends with me because I'm honest and will tell the truth in all instances I knew that the hold he had on me was finally broken. I have not spoken to or communicated with him since my birthday this year.

Wow!!! Talk about an eye opener. I keep running from any kind of relationship or even getting to know someone out of fear of getting hurt again. Is it the residual pain from past relationships that is still holding me back? Am I still holding onto it with a vice grip and not willing to let it go? I can't help but think that I just found my problem. Until I let go of the morons who tainted my views of love and relationships...I will never meet my Edward.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Where have I been?

Certainly not blogging that's for sure. Last post was in August. Seems like that was a million years ago. So much has happened in 3 months. Things I won't get into on here but definitely some life changes. No...I did not get married or have a baby.

One part that happened is...

NEW MOON WAS RELEASED!!! OMT!!!! I've seen it 5 times so far. I can't get enough of it and I've read that they won't be releasing the DVD until May or June!!!!! WTF???? Seriously? With Eclipse being released June 30th they are going to wait until just before that to release NM on DVD? That's just messed up.


That is just frustrating. It's really like a drug addiction. Everyone that I know who is a Twilighter feels the same way. They just can't get enough and have seen it multiple times. I know that I'll see it at least a couple more times before it's out of the theaters. After that? WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE WITHDRAWALS??? *sigh* Must figure out how to deal with the lack of New Moon'age when I can't go the theater to get my fix.