Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I shut down and closed myself completely off the day Darren and I ended things. I don't remember deciding to seal up my heart to romantic love but somewhere along the line that is exactly what I did. I'm not going to sit here and blame him for my coldness. He has his share of it but that is his cross to bear and he will have to atone for what he did. I do own how I handled it though. Being a strong woman was not even something I could say much less be one. I had been beaten down to the point of being subservient to him and being what he told me I was. I allowed it to happen. I could have left and I didn't. I loved him. I made the mistake of thinking what every woman does. "He will change. He is just having a rough patch in life right now. Things will get better. If I just lose the weight he will still want me. If I just find a really good paying job he won't be so stressed. If I...if I...if I" Those thoughts brought me to where I am today. People don't change. Not when they don't believe there is a problem. I shouldered the problems. I owned them. By taking possession of issues that weren't mine...I now have a heart that doesn't believe romantic love is real or possible.
Nothing I do has ever helped bring me out of this way of thinking. I've dated and always found a reason to not go out on a second date. I continue to have the thoughts "He is going to hurt you and he will do exactly what Darren did to you." Thoughts that I truly have no control over no matter how hard I try. I have tried to date and like a man. The wicked thoughts always creep in and I end what has barely begun. I know that people are going to think "Oh Tracey...let it go. He didn't deserve you and doesn't deserve what you are giving him now. You are still letting him control you." Just for the record...I have let him go. Anything I felt for him has long since died. It's the aftermath of him that I'm still reeling from. Even though I was with him less than 2 years...the damage was extreme and it goes deep. I look towards my future and all I see is me, my books and living in a small town away from the majority of the population. Never did I think that at 43 this is where I would be but...here I am.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Do I blame these men for my views on love? Not entirely. I accept the majority of why my opinions are what they are. Ultimately it was my decision to be with them. Their treatment of me as a person rests solely upon their shoulders though. I won't own that stuff. Although, I chose to allow them to treat me like a second class citizen. I WILL own that. I was the one that made the decision to remain with men who were less than what I wanted in life. Did I deserve what I got? To a point...yes. You accept less than what you want...you deal with your choices. I don't believe I deserved to be mentally and emotionally abused. No one deserves that.
My views on love are from a lifetime of hurts. Some people would call me cynical. Maybe I am. It's difficult to not by cynical when everytime I am in a relationship I end up hurt in one way or another. I'll meet men and their thoughts lean along the lines of FWB or me bending over backwards to be near them or with them. They believe I am to give up my life here to be where they are. There are men who believe I am the one to travel to meet them wherever they may be. Wenatchee, Seattle or Alaska. I am not of that viewpoint. If a man wants to meet me then he will make the effort for that to happen. I get that from all men I speak with. The conversations usually don't last long after that.
March 2009 is when I chose to let all love in reality go straight out the window. Love is something we read about in fairy tales. In my case...in the Twilight Saga. I've totally immersed myself in the saga and it's become a part of my life. It's safe. It's where my reality lies for my views on love. I can live the fantasy through Edward and Bella. I don't get hurt. I cry. I laugh. I become part of the story for however I want to continue reading. This is what love is. A fantasy in a book. It doesn't exist in the real world. As long as I keep that in perspective then life is where it should be. Happy and at peace.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Timing is everything for all that we do. Just like finding my brother. He is going to be losing his mom soon to cancer and he fully believes that his step dad won't be far behind. When they pass he said all he has left for family is an aunt and a brother. Then I come along and POOF...he doesn't feel so alone in this world. Why is it that I looked off and on for 3 years but never found him and then after one half enthusiastic post on Craigslist I find him in 2 hours? Timing. None of what happens to us is accidental. There are reasons and a higher power that has a plan where our life goes. I fully believe He has to adjust those plans based upon some of the stupid choices we make but the final result is because He wants us there. WOW!!! Talk about an epiphany. Freaky to have those at 8:00am on a Saturday.
It's not time for me to be in a relationship. I don't know how I know that but my heart is telling me to remain single. Is it because of the cruise? Possibly. I know me when I get around my friends and we are having fun, partying and drinking. I'm a flirt. That is not front page news. Not in a "I want to have sex with you" kind of way. It's just sometimes a bit too friendly. I think I'll leave it at that. I could embarrass myself. Anyone who has been around me doesn't need an explanation and for people who haven't...they will know in August. :) I'm just feeling good about the cruise and that I'm possibly going to meet someone who could very well be my Edward. I don't know but I do know that at this moment in time...I'm not wanting a relationship and I'm good with that.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sherri is evil and must die. Using a precious baby boy to get me to Wenatchee is just wrong. Then again...I've told her this many times yet I still love her to death and would never do anything to hurt her. Good thing she knows and accepts my sense of humor. So tomorrow? ROAD TRIP!!! :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Let's skip forward to January 12, 2010. I have no clue what made me think of Scott tonight but I felt that I needed to put another ad on Craigslist in the area I thought he would be. I went grocery shopping and thought nothing of it. I come home, put the groceries away, get dinner going and check my email. There was one from the ad. I didn't think much of it since people on CL like to play games and that is just what I thought this one would be. I was so wrong. After a few emails sent back and forth...I found my brother.
I've gone through phases in the last 2 hours. Doubt, speechless, shock, inability to breathe, acceptance. I'm still in a strange state of surreal-ness. It's weird. Little did I know that when I woke up this morning I would end my day chatting with my younger brother. A brother who didn't know I existed until tonight. I asked him if I looked like Gene. I just about hyperventilated when he said "Yes you do, Tracey". I swear...as long as I live I will never forget those words.
I will never have all of the pieces of my biological family put together. Gene, the man who helped create me, passed away before I ever started searching for my bio family. I will never know what kind of man he was. Did he think of me while I was growing up? Did he regret not keeping me? Did he love me even though I was not in his life? I'll never get answers to those questions. I feel at peace tonight. There isn't that huge gaping hole that I thought would never be filled. My heart is full. :)
I'm a helping kind of soul. I don't want people making the same stupid mistakes that I've made. I want to try and help steer them in the direction of least pain and hurt. It is this part of me that can get me into trouble. Thankfully I can finally recognize when I'm about to step over the boundries and need to ask for advice. I've learned to talk things out with not just one friend but a few of them. I need to see all sides of a situation. To see when it will do good or blow up in my face.
I don't know where life would be for me if I didn't have my friends. They keep me grounded and I'm able to see situations through different eyes. It's the only way I can make decisions now. I've screwed up too much in the past by making decisions that should have been talked through and they weren't. Life's lessons learned the hard way. I really had learning things that way. I would rather get all perspectives and then make an educated decision. So far it's worked quite well for me. I've avoided A LOT of drama by doing that. I think I'll continue. It's a good system. :)
And just as I was about to post this...I got this from Margaret:
"God doesn't give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED... to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be."
See what I mean? I love my friends. :)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Deep water and heights I believe I can cope with but I've decided to do something in August that has me panicked already. The cruise coordinator has arranged to have a Twilight night at a Mariners game the night before we set sail. It's no secret that I'm a diehard Twilight fan. If I have the funds and chance to do something that involves Twilight...I'm in. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I was very close to losing my life at a Mariners game June 18, 2005. I was standing next to a man who lost his that night.
It will be 5 years in June that the accident happened. I need to face this. I need to get past the vivid images that go through my mind every time I'm near Safeco field. I need to stop seeing his body laying crumpled on the ground. I need to let the survivors guilt go. I will be surrounded by a lot of friends that night but there is one person that I truly will need there...even if she doesn't go to the game. She reads this blog and she may know I'm talking about her but...Bean...I'm going to need you that night. You don't have to go to the game if you don't want to. I just need you.
A year of facing fears. Hopefully I will overcome them. If not...I still have friends by my side to support me and get me through. I can't ask for more than that.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The agony, and it is agonizing not having anything new, can be seen everywhere. Pick a Twilight blog, gossip site, photo site. You will find nothing new. I know I'm not the only one feeling it. Last night the cruisers got an email update regarding our trip. We will be going to a Mariners game and the Mariners are having a Twilight theme that night. Tickets are $15 and we get a souvenir t-shirt. More Twilight shirts to add to my ever growing collection.
Twilight baseball is all we have right now and the cruisers are almost holding that news with a chokehold. It's the most excitement we have had since New Moon was released. That seems like it was so long ago when it was less than 2 months ago. We need something and soon. We need just smidgen of our drug to get us through to June. Please...*whimper*
Saturday, January 09, 2010
There are times in life when a person thinks they are taking the right turn and making some wonderful choices for where they want the future to be. Let's call it "The Honeymoon Phase". All is well in the world...well from an outsiders perspective it is. Hmmm...something odd is happening but you just can't put your finger on what it is. You overlook what you perceive to be minor issues. Holy crow but that is your first mistake!!!
Minor issues soon start accumulating. Not at the speed of sound but slowly and surely. Those minor issues turn that wonderful honeymoon phase into the "Am I looking for things or did that just really happen" phase. You can't ignore the problems. They are real. They are ugly and they love to mock you. "Ha ha...now whatcha gonna do? I'm here and you can't do anything about it!". You feel defeated. You know that the right turn you took was in fact a left. How could that have happened? You were so sure. What you were sure of was the little layer that you were allowed to see. Not the deeper recesses of what would eventually become your own personal hell.
Living in hell is not where people want to be. They want to be in the light. They want to be happy and live life to it's fullest. Once you realize that what you see is in fact...what you are seeing. Not a figment of your imagination. Those little flags that were waving at you in the beginning....those little red ones? They are now HUGE and you are having to face the grim reality of where your life is. You are now in "Great! Now how do I get out of this without hurting those who matter the most?" phase. It is up to you to fix what you broke. Sure there was another party assisting in damaging of your life but ultimately it falls on you. You were the final voice in saying "Should I go right or should I go left?". Don't beat yourself up over this though. That other party was quite convincing and played the game well. You just need to see that party for who and what they are.
Moving on with life will not be easy once you realize that you went oh so far off the road you should have taken. You are now in the "Well that sucked." phase. What do you do now? Well you go through the "Will I ever stop crying?" to "I hate you...you son of a bitch!!!" to "How could you have done that to me?" to "What the hell was I thinking" to "Thank you for breaking my heart" to "You may have broken my heart but you did not break me". It's a rough road to crawl. It will be a crawl. No chance you can walk or sprint through this one. The damage is deep and it is real. More real than you ever thought possible.
Life gives us choices. Take the right or take the left. It is up to us to determine which to choose. Which will be better for us. But...and this is a good one...regardless of which direction you go...you can always, always find the good within. It may take awhile but the positive will always show it's beautiful face to you. My positive showed it's amazing and glorious face to me recently. I am a blessed woman and I cannot thank God enough for what He did for me. He allowed me to be hurt because I was not the woman I was supposed to be yet. The hurt I went through was necessary to bring me to where I am now. I hated going through it. I hated every last minute of it. I wouldn't trade it though. I love who I am now. I love the woman I have become. I am this woman because of the other party. I am strong. I am independent. I am beautiful inside and out. Would I ever thank the other party? No. He does not deserve thanks. Thanks belongs to who guided me through the damage.
Friday, January 08, 2010
I love you Pooh and you have a piece of my heart and soul that no one will ever touch. Be blessed my love. You were my one true love and friend. You will never be forgotten.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
I cannot believe that another classmate passed away in 2009. Off of the top of my head I can think of 3 people. Roger from a heart attack. Shelley was brutally murdered and now Julie. What is going on with the mid 1980's classes of A.C. Davis High School??? Just the class of '85 alone has had 12 or 13 classmates pass away. Murders, suicides, medical reasons. It's starting to really freak some of us out. By average that is one classmate every other year. It's scary to think "Who is going to be next?". Life is so short. We need to make the most of it because once it's over...it's over. No second chances.
Rest In Peace Julie.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
See my heart...?
He is beautiful. He is amazing and has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen. I hope that you can help me reach my goal for this walk. Any amount is a good amount. :) Just click on widget and it will take you directly to my page. Thanks so much!!!
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
That last sentence takes me to WHY I will feel better. Well..the refund of course. I will get things paid off. My cruise being one of them. I will be taking a couple of mini vacations this year thanks to my lovely refund. NYC in February and GWO in April. The big thing, other than the cruise, is the possiblity of buying a car. I told K that she would have a car when she turns 16 which just so happens to be this year. Thing is...do I want to let her drive my PT or do I want to find a cheap little car that is cute and in good shape and let her drive that? OR...do I want to find a cute car that is in good shape (think sporty here) and keep it for myself? I hate making decisions like that. Just stresses me out sometimes. I know that her SD won't help with buying her a car so this one is on me. The stepmonster already bitches about the fact they paid for her drivers ed class. Thing is...I would have paid for 1/2 of the class if the SD had waited until I got my tax refund but noooooo...he wanted to do it when HE wanted to do it. So...the SM can shut the hell up. Witch. Nah...feelings for that woman hasn't changed. I really don't see that ever happening. I will no longer have to deal with her in 3 years. That just sounds so nice!!! I don't mind talking to the SD. He and I have been getting along really well lately. It's refreshing actually. I haven't gotten along with him since K was 3 years old. Let's hope it lasts for at least 3 years. :)
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Today was a pretty crap day from the moment I logged onto my profile. What was said about me may have been meant as a joke but the person who said it has the sense of humor of a frog. There just isn't one. Things said at inappropriate times and things that are very hurtful and belittling. I had enough of it. I said my peace to this person and proceeded to delete and block him from my profile and my life. I just don't need his garbage. Life is too short for friends like that. I know when to joke with friends and I know when the situation calls for a little tact and compassion. This person had neither. I'm not the only person who feels this way but I will only speak for myself. I'm not hurt that he is gone. I'm relieved to be honest with you. Everytime I saw I had a comment from him I felt a weight. Great...what is he going to say now to be hurtful or mean? I just never knew. I don't want to have to look at someone, who is supposed to be a friend, that way. He told me I was out of line for calling him out on how inappropriate his comment was and he went in for more belittling and demeaning words. It was with that last email I knew I needed him out of my life. Enough of the negativity from him. It just got to a point where being a friend with him wasn't worth it.
So...I started my new year holed up in my house with an emotional teenager and ending a friendship. If that is the worst that 2010 is going to be for me...I'm okay with that. On to bigger and better things. NYC, GWO, Eclipse, reunion and cruise. :)