I have had it!!! That is what I told myself today. I am so sick of owning that little man's insecurities and short comings. I'm so tired of letting him control my head in how I see myself. I am NOT the unattractive fat worthless woman he told me I was. Yes...it was a daily thing for him to tell me these things. Even when he didn't verbalize it he would show it in his actions. He was/is a man who does not think highly of himself. He never has. His lack of self esteem and self worth were placed onto me and like a fool...I accepted them. There is a line in "Pretty Woman" that sums it up perfectly.
Vivian: People put you down enough, you start to believe it.
Edward Lewis: I think you are a very bright, very special woman.
Vivian: The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?
She is so right!!! When you hear day after day what a horrible person you are, that you aren't pretty enough, that you are too fat, that you have let yourself go (said 3 weeks after having a hysterectomy) you truly start to believe that. When DA and I separated I continued to own his failings that he painted onto me. I wasn't what he said I was. He just couldn't accept himself for who he was. A man who was almost 40, never been married, no children and no relationships that lasted longer than 18 months. I lived with a man who thought very little of himself so to make himself feel better he would bring me to a point where I was lower than him in how I viewed myself. Once I got to the level of pond scum...he ended things with me. I wasn't what he wanted in life. Well no kidding!!! I was beat down and shredded. Of course I wasn't what he wanted. When he met me I was thin, had a brand new car, worked for an international chemical company, had a nice apartment and lived in Seattle. I was a great little fantasy for him to brag to his friends about.
It has taken me over 5 years to get to this point. The point of where I know I am going to be alone for the rest of my life if I don't change something. I have a lot of people out there who are on my side. Who see me for the woman I am. These are just a few of the things they have told me:
You are beautiful. You have the most amazing eyes I have ever seen. You are a great mom. You are our Esme. I appreciate you. You deserve the best! I love you!!!
I hear positive things daily!!! I'm doing things that I would have never done 5 years ago. Taking a cruise to Alaska, working out, been at my job 5 years, meeting wonderful and inspiring people, I bought a house. I've come so far in who I am that it's amazing. What I haven't overcome are the words that were spoken to me. This morning was my epiphany though. Those words were not intended for me. They were the very words he knows he is. Those words are what gives him the boost he needs because he knows that deep down he isn't worthy of having a good woman in his life. He has to belittle her so he feels like a man. As long as a woman is subserviant to him he feels all powerful and good about himself. While he goes on with life once he is done with the woman he has abused...the woman has to pick up the pieces no matter how long it may be. For me...it was over 5 years.
I'm going to do some healing of my spirit and soul. I will be posting Positive Affirmations around my home telling me what a good person I am. That I am beautiful. I am worthy of being loved. I am worthy of being in love. I am a good mom. I am a good friend. Those post it notes will remain up in my house until the day I finally believe what they are saying. It's going to be a tough and long road for me. There are going to be days where I want to quit and crawl back into the black hole he put me in. This is where my friends come in. I know they will support me. They will be there for me when I fall. But...I will do everything I can to be strong enough to just need a little lift or a small breeze under my wings to get me flying again. I owe this to myself. I deserve this and I won't disappoint myself again. I have but one life to live and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some small minded, ignorant, stupid little insecure man take it from me.