I don't believe in love. I stopped on August 1, 2004. My last relationship was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. His abuse, his demeaning, his belittling was the cherry on top of the sundae that is my life. Let's start with 3 major relationships in my life.
1. He said he loved me. He allowed his mother to verbally abuse me without coming to my defense.
2. He said he loved me. Then he raped me, beat me more than once, mentally/emotionally abused me. Enjoyed telling me that I'm a whore and a piece of shit. He let me know that no man other than him would ever want me.
3. He said he loved me. He was addicted to online porn and had a virtual affair with a woman named Barbie. He enjoyed telling me how unattractive I am, how fat I am, that he is only with me because he didn't want another broken relationship, how I am the reason he couldn't get a hard on.
Every last one of these men I trusted, thought I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I'm told love is NOT what these men did. I get that. I truly do but it appears that is the only "love" I am worthy of.
I'm told to "let go of the past". Well that is just front page news for me. Thank you for saying that Captain Obvious. Don't people think that I would if I could? I grew up with a brother who relished in the words "you're just a failure and a joke". He used them as often as he could. To this day he will still find ways to dig at me and make me feel like I shouldn't even be breathing. Anyone who has been abused through their entire life cannot just "let go". It is not possible.
This isn't an off the cuff random thing I'm saying. It is a lifetime of being pushed aside, abused, belittled and treated less than. From family, friends and men...they've all made me into the person I am today. A person who doesn't believe in love. A person who doesn't believe in herself. A person who believes her death wouldn't be mourned but celebrated. This is who I am.
After 52 years, this is where my life is. I used to love. I used to give my whole heart. I used to believe in the "happily ever after". I don't anymore and I don't see it ever happening. There is way too much damage for me to even think I'm good enough to be genuinely loved. I fight depression. Not just "Oh I'm sad" but genuine, deep down, "I hate living" depression. It's steadily gotten worse since August 1, 2004 and I can find no help for it. I've taken meds and things become out of control with suicidal/homicidal thoughts. I can't afford therapy since I don't have insurance. So where does that leave me? Struggling to breathe each and every day. What keeps me from ending it all? My love of God and the fear of burning in hell.
I'm happy for those who are in love, who believe in love, who believe in marriage. I don't condemn or demean them for it. They are truly blessed but please understand...when I say that love is BS...I mean that for me, myself and I. Love is nothing more than hurt, pain and brutal abuse. Even if I were to meet a man that was genuine in loving me, I will always be waiting for the hurt to begin, for him to hit me, to verbally assault me, to mentally belittle me. It will always be there. It's up to me to live with it and know, deep in my heart, I will never know what true genuine love is.
1. He said he loved me. He allowed his mother to verbally abuse me without coming to my defense.
2. He said he loved me. Then he raped me, beat me more than once, mentally/emotionally abused me. Enjoyed telling me that I'm a whore and a piece of shit. He let me know that no man other than him would ever want me.
3. He said he loved me. He was addicted to online porn and had a virtual affair with a woman named Barbie. He enjoyed telling me how unattractive I am, how fat I am, that he is only with me because he didn't want another broken relationship, how I am the reason he couldn't get a hard on.
Every last one of these men I trusted, thought I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I'm told love is NOT what these men did. I get that. I truly do but it appears that is the only "love" I am worthy of.
I'm told to "let go of the past". Well that is just front page news for me. Thank you for saying that Captain Obvious. Don't people think that I would if I could? I grew up with a brother who relished in the words "you're just a failure and a joke". He used them as often as he could. To this day he will still find ways to dig at me and make me feel like I shouldn't even be breathing. Anyone who has been abused through their entire life cannot just "let go". It is not possible.
This isn't an off the cuff random thing I'm saying. It is a lifetime of being pushed aside, abused, belittled and treated less than. From family, friends and men...they've all made me into the person I am today. A person who doesn't believe in love. A person who doesn't believe in herself. A person who believes her death wouldn't be mourned but celebrated. This is who I am.
After 52 years, this is where my life is. I used to love. I used to give my whole heart. I used to believe in the "happily ever after". I don't anymore and I don't see it ever happening. There is way too much damage for me to even think I'm good enough to be genuinely loved. I fight depression. Not just "Oh I'm sad" but genuine, deep down, "I hate living" depression. It's steadily gotten worse since August 1, 2004 and I can find no help for it. I've taken meds and things become out of control with suicidal/homicidal thoughts. I can't afford therapy since I don't have insurance. So where does that leave me? Struggling to breathe each and every day. What keeps me from ending it all? My love of God and the fear of burning in hell.
I'm happy for those who are in love, who believe in love, who believe in marriage. I don't condemn or demean them for it. They are truly blessed but please understand...when I say that love is BS...I mean that for me, myself and I. Love is nothing more than hurt, pain and brutal abuse. Even if I were to meet a man that was genuine in loving me, I will always be waiting for the hurt to begin, for him to hit me, to verbally assault me, to mentally belittle me. It will always be there. It's up to me to live with it and know, deep in my heart, I will never know what true genuine love is.