Life as I know it...

Shouldn't be the very people who hurt you the most.  For me, the worst damage comes from those who said they loved me and they were the people who destroyed me.  And people wonder why I don't believe in love. 

 Each day that passes is a day I see my life, past and present, a bit clearer.  I see who I am and who I've always been.  I grew up in a house where love wasn't something we said or showed.  I realize now, I wasn't taught how to love.  I had a brother who was very verbally abusive towards me and a mom who just didn't seem to care.  Her focus was on my brother.  My dad was quiet and didn't say a whole lot of anything.  My parents were raised in homes that didn't show or say love so they carried that into the raising of their kids.  My brother is the same way.    I looked at a photo of my mom today and I felt like I was looking at a stranger.  I always wanted a mom and I would do everything I could to make my mom into that person.  She just isn't and I can see that no matter how much I sugar-coat who she is and what she did to me, the reality of it is that she didn't want me.  She made that very clear 3 years ago. ...

It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did.  To find out the things he does now for his wife?  The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me.  Knowing all of this has made me hate him.  I know it does nothing to him.  It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years.  I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being.    When I met him, I was in a good place.  I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love.  In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me.  I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was.  Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...

 How does a person accept the truth that they were not wanted?  How can you wrap your mind around that and still be okay living your life?  Knowing my biological parents didn't want me and finding out my biological father flat out told the incubator "Get rid of it" isn't the greatest feeling.  Then to find out my adoptive parents left me alone after I took a bunch of pills is more than my mind can accept.  Both sets of parents threw me away.  I truly do not know how to come to grips with that information.  It makes sense why I cannot love or accept love.  I was never shown love as a child.   I was a throw-away. I know, with all that I am, how I was treated as a child, is why I am drawn to abusive men.  I was taught to believe that is all I deserve.  After my relationship with D, I dated a bit and each man was controlling.  I decided to not date once I realized I am tired of being abused.  Only one man wasn't abusive b...

 There are days I enjoy living my life.  There are days I thoroughly hate it.  Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown.  Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying.   Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope.   Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship.  Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again.  I've been told she has been married 4...

  Twenty years ago, I was a mess. I was belittled and demeaned to the point where I hated myself and would have done anything to hurt those who hurt me. From family to friends to men. I lashed out, created more drama than was necessary and didn't care who I hurt. As long as they were hurt before they hurt me, I justified my words and actions. If someone DID hurt me? God help them. I held nothing back. I'm not proud of who I was. I am ashamed of who I was. I did things I should have never done, and I cannot take any of it back no matter how desperately I wish I could. Today, in 2023, I am someone completely different than who that woman was in 2004. I'm not the unmedicated mentally ill person anymore. I'm getting healthy not only mentally but physically. I'm more successful than I was told I would ever be. I'm not the loser bitch that I was told I was. I'm a good person with an "I have gone through hell" history. I am a woman who struggles with ea...

 I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember.  I honestly don't remember a time when I thought I was worth loving or even being allowed to live.  I've been suicidal, I've had a catatonic moment, I've been severely depressed.  In essence, I've been a mental mess.  I didn't know why.  I just was.  Doctors put me on medication but they barely touched my illness.  The demons were still there.  When I went off of the medication, those voices were loud and strong.   They controlled me.  The problem was...I didn't mind it.  It was a comfort for me.  It was my safe space.  I embraced their words. I know that sounds twisted but mental illness doesn't make sense. One year ago I decided I had enough.  I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to live my life, not just exist in it.  I went back on medication.  It helped...for a while.  Then those voices started coming back.  "You aren't worth i...

 He said "Take that red lipstick off. You look like a whore". I took the lipstick off. He said "You're too heavy" so I lost weight. He then said "You're too thin". He said "You're pretty but I date much prettier women" He said "I forgot I asked you out on a date" when I asked him what time we were going out. He said "I didn't stand you up. You didn't remind me we had a date". He said "don't ever sing again" when I was singing in the car. He said "I'm the best you are ever going to get" after he hit me. He said "I have to fantasize about other women just to have sex with Tracey". So many more "He saids" that, thankfully, I cannot remember, but...I'm not going to listen to the "he saids" any longer. It's time I start loving myself and knowing that the problems were not with me. The problems were with "he".  All of those "h...

 "Out of respect for my fiancé, she would not be comfortable with me talking to you and I'm not comfortable with it either" but yet.... BUT YET ....he was okay talking to other women while engaged to me, having online sex while still engaged to me, inviting other women to his band gigs while still engaged to me.  This lets me know, without a doubt, he never loved me, he never respected me, and he had zero use for me other than to destroy me as a woman.  I was so stupid.  So incredibly stupid to think he ever had any feelings for me other than disgust and disdain.    When I learn these things, I heal just a bit more.  I don't think I'll ever be over his abuse but at least I know...he did not ever have any kind of love for me and that tiny bit of hope I held onto thinking he did at one point in our relationship, is now dead.   Another reason why I do not believe in love and will never believe in it.  Men abuse and men lie.  Before I h...

I've been thinking about the things I've done in the last 20 years but, thanks to my memory, I need to make a list so I can actually see that my life wasn't completely horrible. Las Vegas 6 times Dallas for a girl's weekend Forks 4 times for girls' weekends Cruise to Alaska Cruise to Bermuda x 2 Cruise to Belize, Honduras, Mexico Road trip to South Dakota x 2 Southern California for a long weekend Nashville to judge a beauty pageant. Nascar races x 2 one being a Championship. Orlando Florida - Disneyworld and Universal Studios California - many times Leavenworth - many times Girls' weekends - many times I have more trips coming up with a cruise to Alaska and a cruise around Ireland. A weekend trip to Montana.  A girl's week to Vegas.  I'm sure there will be more to be planned. I became a Nana and will be a Nana x 2 this year.   I've been able to purchase 2 homes. Even though I have battled depression, I have had friends stand steadfast by my side and...

Found out that the monster is getting married.  I had sent him an email telling him how sorry I was that his mom passed away.  It was just idle chit chat briefly and then he wrote "I know you'll hear this from someone eventually, but the main thing is that I'm getting married in June" Not sure why he worded it like I was going to be devasted by that bit of news.  I'm not.  Actually, I feel sorry for her.  She has no clue what the hell she is getting into. Unless she knows what a dick he is, and she just doesn't care.   Finding that out hit me hard.  Not because I want the bastard back and I'm pining over him.  I've seen what he looks like.  I wouldn't look at him twice or give him the time of day if I saw him walking on the street.  What I saw was a POS with a woman who is everything he said I was.  Heavy and not attractive.  She isn't the only woman he's dated that's been that way.  All I can think is "What the actua...

 I'm learning so much about why I am the way I am.  I've been mentally ill my whole life or at least from grade school to now.  I've always battled depression.  It came across as teenaged angst when I was younger but the older I got, I didn't have an excuse.  I was told to just be happy.  I wanted to be happy.  I really did.  I physically could not be that way.  I gave myself to those who were abusive.  Who took advantage of me.  Who treated me less than.  I accepted what I thought I deserved.   I still think I deserve nothing short of being abused.  I don't believe I deserve love.   With my medication and now learning I'm hyperthyroid...I see why I am the way I am.  I was born with 1/2 of a thyroid.  There is an actual medical reason for why I'm 50 shades of fucked up.   My anti-depressants help to a point but they can only do so much.  On April 10th, I have an appointment with...