Life as I know it...

Yup...you know the rest of that statement. It's true. I really am. I was laying in bed last night, trying to fall asleep, and kept thinking about writing in this blog. I don't know who reads it and truthfully, I don't care. This is for me to get things out of my head and not for anyone's entertainment. If my ex reads it, with all of his narcissistic mentality, I'm sure he is thinking I still want him and in love with him. I can assure him, and everyone else, I would rather be gored by a buffalo, bitten by rabid bats and thrown into the Grand Prismatic at Yellowstone than to ever and I mean EVER be with that male again. The only thing that I have left of him is the effects of his abuse. They say that out of all abuse, emotional/mental is the hardest to heal from. I would rather be physically beaten than be emotionally and mentally abused. I still see what my last abuser told me I was. Fat. Unattractive. A bitch. To paraphrase (as his words spanned ...

Someone said to me the other day "We love you unconditionally".  That's a lie.  There is no such thing as unconditional love.  There are always conditions.  No matter if it's friends, family, lovers.  There are ALWAYS conditions.  My last boyfriend had many conditions placed on me and when I couldn't meet those conditions, I was sent packing.  The same goes for friends.  If I were to lose my mental faculties, absolutely they would leave me behind.    When I tried to commit suicide at 17 and my parents did nothing to save me where was the "unconditional" love?  It does not exist.   I'm tired of the pretend love and compassion from people.  I know my worth and it's less than that bug you smashed over the summer.  My last boyfriend saw me for who I am and what I am.  Fat, unattractive, unworthy and definitely not someone to have sex with.  In fact, he made sure I found out he had to fantasize about others ...

  This is going to be a dark post and one that you may say "You should just keep that shit to yourself" so if you don't want to be subjected to this one...scroll on. In 1984, a 17 year old girl was at the end of her rope. She lost the one and only thing that mattered to her, being on drill team, and her home life was nothing short of a joke. So what does she do? She takes a bottle of pills and lays down on her bed. Those pills didn't kill her, although she wishes they had. She was in a deep sleep and her parents came into the room, in the morning, to wake her up and couldn't. They see the bottle on her vanity and realize she has attempted suicide. What do her parents do? Not a damned thing. They walk out of her bedroom to let her "sleep it off". She was not taken to the hospital, she wasn't given counseling. She was left alone. The sad thing is, as if that isn't sad enough, the girl did not remember any of this and was told by her...