Yup...you know the rest of that statement. It's true. I really am. I was laying in bed last night, trying to fall asleep, and kept thinking about writing in this blog. I don't know who reads it and truthfully, I don't care. This is for me to get things out of my head and not for anyone's entertainment. If my ex reads it, with all of his narcissistic mentality, I'm sure he is thinking I still want him and in love with him. I can assure him, and everyone else, I would rather be gored by a buffalo, bitten by rabid bats and thrown into the Grand Prismatic at Yellowstone than to ever and I mean EVER be with that male again. The only thing that I have left of him is the effects of his abuse. They say that out of all abuse, emotional/mental is the hardest to heal from. I would rather be physically beaten than be emotionally and mentally abused. I still see what my last abuser told me I was. Fat. Unattractive. A bitch. To paraphrase (as his words spanned almost 2 years)...a loser that he's only with because he didn't want another failed relationship. My abusers are still in my head and I don't know how to get rid of them. Sad thing...the abuse wasn't just from men I was involved with. It was family also.
I don't really have regrets because everything I've done in my life has created my life. However, I do have one. My last ex. I regret him with every fiber of my being. He served zero purpose in my life. He brought nothing positive to the table when it comes to my life story. No matter how hard I try to find something...there is not one shred of life lessons to be learned from him. It has been almost 20 years since I walked out of our apartment and in those 20 years I have sunk deeper and deeper into a depression that I cannot escape. Before him, I was finding my life, after my 2nd divorce, I was feeling good about myself, I was in a good place mentally. Friends told me to not move in with him. They said they didn't have a good feeling about him. I chose to ignore my friends. Look where that got me. Fighting demons that I thought I had locked away, 20 years later. He was a mistake. A very costly mistake
What did a relationship with him cost me? Everything. My self esteem, my self worth and most of all...my belief in love. Love is nothing more than a fantasy. It's probably the worst 4 letter word ever known. Not just romantic love but love from my so called parents, love from relatives, love from friends. It's all a lie. I have never felt that I have been loved. I'm a throwaway. My biological incubator threw me away. My own parents left me for dead after I attempted suicide at the age of 17. Every man that I have been involved with threw me away. I can't even count the number of friends who said they would always be there for me have thrown me away. I get so tired of hearing "You aren't a throwaway" when I know it's the truth. I'm not worthy of being loved. My parents knew that, my friends know that and every man I've been involved with knew that.
Abortion was available in 1967. Why didn't my incubator take advantage of that as it is very very clear my conception and life was nothing more than a mistake. A horrible mistake.
I don't really have regrets because everything I've done in my life has created my life. However, I do have one. My last ex. I regret him with every fiber of my being. He served zero purpose in my life. He brought nothing positive to the table when it comes to my life story. No matter how hard I try to find something...there is not one shred of life lessons to be learned from him. It has been almost 20 years since I walked out of our apartment and in those 20 years I have sunk deeper and deeper into a depression that I cannot escape. Before him, I was finding my life, after my 2nd divorce, I was feeling good about myself, I was in a good place mentally. Friends told me to not move in with him. They said they didn't have a good feeling about him. I chose to ignore my friends. Look where that got me. Fighting demons that I thought I had locked away, 20 years later. He was a mistake. A very costly mistake
What did a relationship with him cost me? Everything. My self esteem, my self worth and most of all...my belief in love. Love is nothing more than a fantasy. It's probably the worst 4 letter word ever known. Not just romantic love but love from my so called parents, love from relatives, love from friends. It's all a lie. I have never felt that I have been loved. I'm a throwaway. My biological incubator threw me away. My own parents left me for dead after I attempted suicide at the age of 17. Every man that I have been involved with threw me away. I can't even count the number of friends who said they would always be there for me have thrown me away. I get so tired of hearing "You aren't a throwaway" when I know it's the truth. I'm not worthy of being loved. My parents knew that, my friends know that and every man I've been involved with knew that.
Abortion was available in 1967. Why didn't my incubator take advantage of that as it is very very clear my conception and life was nothing more than a mistake. A horrible mistake.