Life as I know it...

 I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember.  I honestly don't remember a time when I thought I was worth loving or even being allowed to live.  I've been suicidal, I've had a catatonic moment, I've been severely depressed.  In essence, I've been a mental mess.  I didn't know why.  I just was.  Doctors put me on medication but they barely touched my illness.  The demons were still there.  When I went off of the medication, those voices were loud and strong.   They controlled me.  The problem was...I didn't mind it.  It was a comfort for me.  It was my safe space.  I embraced their words. I know that sounds twisted but mental illness doesn't make sense. One year ago I decided I had enough.  I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to live my life, not just exist in it.  I went back on medication.  It helped...for a while.  Then those voices started coming back.  "You aren't worth i...

 He said "Take that red lipstick off. You look like a whore". I took the lipstick off. He said "You're too heavy" so I lost weight. He then said "You're too thin". He said "You're pretty but I date much prettier women" He said "I forgot I asked you out on a date" when I asked him what time we were going out. He said "I didn't stand you up. You didn't remind me we had a date". He said "don't ever sing again" when I was singing in the car. He said "I'm the best you are ever going to get" after he hit me. He said "I have to fantasize about other women just to have sex with Tracey". So many more "He saids" that, thankfully, I cannot remember, but...I'm not going to listen to the "he saids" any longer. It's time I start loving myself and knowing that the problems were not with me. The problems were with "he".  All of those "h...