Life as I know it...

 I can tell when my demons are controlling my posts and when it's me.  How do I get rid of the very things that have controlled my life for so long?  I can't do it on my own.  

 I'm losing weight.  People all but chew me out for it saying I don't need to but ya know what?  Losing weight is the one and only thing in my life I can control   I think the Vid bug helped because it's taken away my taste and sense of smell.  I hate eating now so I eat just enough to keep me from getting shaky and dizzy.  That's a positive.  I had the bug back in August and I was starting to push a size 10 again.  Now?  I can happily state that I'm back down to an 8.  My goal, is a 4.  I wouldn't mind a 2 but I think that's pushing it.  I have to be thin.  Not that I will ever see myself as thin.  I look in the mirror and see nothing but an ugly pig.  I still see the fat unattractive human I was told I was.  I don't think that will ever change but as long as I can see my pant size is small...that gets me through.  As for my looks?  I can't do anything about that.  I'll always see a very...

 Absolutely no one would notice.  No one would care.  One day, someone might say "Hey...where is Tracey?" but for the most part...I would not be missed.    The older I get, the more I realize I have never been wanted by anyone.   Not family, not men, my friends, obviously not by my parents.   I look back on my life and realize that I was tolerated.  I wasn't really wanted.  For men...I was just someone to play with.  For friends...they tolerated me and most likely felt sorry for me.  I've never truly be liked and I see that more and more with each passing day.   People say God doesn't make mistakes.  I say they are wrong.  He did make at least one.  That was me.  I will never be close to anyone again.  After almost 55 years of thinking I'm worth loving, I can finally say that for almost 55 years I was delusional.    No one has and no one ever will love me.   Sometimes,...

 

 I hear this every single day.  Does anyone care?  Nope and guess what?  Neither do I. 

 I have tried to understand why people believe, I mean truly believe, they can say what they want about me and my family then when I get upset, they turn it back around onto me.   I'm the one who shouldn't get upset, I'm the one they are "protecting", I'm the one that they hate seeing how my family treats me, so they are responding to that.  Seriously?   I know for a fact that if I were to call any of their mom's a bitch, they would go off on me.  If I called their children assholes or bitches?  All of hells fury would rain down on me.  So, I do not understand why it's okay they do the same to me and expect me to be okay with it.  To not say anything and accept it.   These are the very same people who tell me they "love me" and hope I find peace one day.   They have got to be kidding.   Peace, for me, are friends who do not call my children names.  Peace, for me, are friends who do not call my family na...

 I was thinking about how easy people walk away from any kind of relationship with me.  There must be something inherently wrong with me besides my demons.  It all started with my incubator.  She was told by her husband to get rid of it.  It meaning me.  That is exactly what she did.  Got rid of me.  She did carry me to term but let me know that she very easily could have ripped me from her womb and flushed me down a toilet.  I don't need rehash my adopted mother because we all know I was a throwaway to her from a very early age.  I never had an actual long-term boyfriend when I was in my teens.  I had very few relationships in high school.  By very few I can count on one hand with fingers left over how many boyfriends I had.  I was "one of the guys" to everyone.    Even when we would meet guys at dances or while driving the Ave they were never, and I mean NEVER, interested in me.  They were, however, very i...

 I grew up with a mother telling me that my friends truly aren't my friends.  I look back and realize,  I was never liked by anyone.    I was tolerated.   I'm not going to say I have always been the perfect friend.  I haven't.  I've said things I should have never said.  I don't say mean things out of malice.  It comes from being hurt.  Maybe I've said things to hurt someone so they won't be close enough to hurt me.  I've found I do that a lot now.  I don't give anyone the chance to even try to hurt me.  I push them away first.  It's safer.   Truthfully, part of me believes what my mother told me.  I didn't have friends and never have.  Every friend, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE, that I have let get close to me has betrayed me.  All of them.  I've been just someone to tolerate and walk over when the need arises.  Someone to throw under the bus.  Someone to demean their ...

 It has been proven to me time and time again how little I matter.   If I feel a certain way about something, it is belittled.  If I am hurt, I am told to apologize to the person who hurt me.  If I state my opinion, I am wrong no matter what the opinion is.    If I were to say "I wish my incubator would have had an abortion" I am told "but then your kids wouldn't have been born.  Everything is always and I mean ALWAYS about someone else.  I am not even remotely considered.   I hate to be touched and for some reason, I'm wrong.  "Well, you hugged me a couple of times last year".  Yeah...that was me trying to work through the cringe I have when someone touches me.   When I state I hate breathing, it's met with "but you have your grandson".   Let's get one thing perfectly clear...it is because of my grandson that I'm still breathing.  He is the only reason.   I don't live for my family, I do...

 I cannot seem to learn my lesson.  Hopefully, what happened yesterday will be all of the lesson I need.  What is it with "friends" thinking it's well within their rights to call anyone in my family, whom I've struggled with or who have hurt me, vile and disgusting names.  Only one family member, my brother,  I won't have issues with that because he is an asshole.  Has been since his birth and I will never look at him fondly.   To call my mother a bitch and to call my daughter an asshole is crossing lines that should never be crossed.  However, it's shown me something.  My mother was right.  I don't have friends.  No one has ever truly been my friend.   When I think back on friends I've had, all of them have betrayed me in one way or another. 1. My daughter was a heroin addict and I did not know how to cope and get through the struggles.  I had friends who completely stopped talking to me.  I was pushed away...

I hate today.  It's the day of celebrating the worst 4 letter word known to man.  Love.   It's nothing more than a word to hurt people, cause damage and make them delusional.  I have been shown this throughout my whole life.   Parents, brother, family, friends, men.  They say they "love" me but their actions prove otherwise.  My parents leaving me to die after a suicide attempt?  That's obviously letting me know I'm not loved.  Men beating and raping me?  Obviously that is letting me know I'm not loved.  Friends betraying me in uncountable ways?  Definitely letting me know I'm not loved.  Brother telling me I should rot in jail because I'm a shitty mother, shitty person, a failure?  Yeah...no love there.  Family telling me I'm worthless and not wanted in the family?  Again...no love shown there.  So tell me...why in the fuck should I EVER believe love is real?  

 when you need to let go.  You can chase someone for years, wanting to build a relationship, repair the damage to the relationship from the past but if that someone doesn't want what you want...why are you chasing?  Whether that is a romantic interest, a friend, a family member or even your own child.  There comes a moment in time where you need to stop and have more respect for you.  Why are you chasing someone who clearly doesn't want a lot to do with you?  you are only breaking your heart more than it already was.  Stop.  Find the strength to let them go to live their life.  Will you be in it?  With some?  No, you won't.  With others?  Maybe on a very limited basis.   There will be others it will be not at all.    There has to come a time when you have to stop demeaning yourself and allowing yourself to be made a fool.    This week was that moment for me.  My heart is broken but it isn...

 This pretty much hits home and sums everything up...

 I think God just enjoys watching my life being put through a living hell.  Does He ever step in?  Nope.  Even when I am down on my knees asking for Him...He is not there.    I just keep getting reminded time after time that I'm nothing short of a throwaway human.    At what point do I say "I'm done"?  I truly do not know how I can get through this.  My grandson keeps me focused on a light but there is going to come an event that even he cannot keep me grounded.   Last night I learned just what my youngest thinks of me.  I learned that she is telling people she came from a very abusive home.  I've learned that she does not want to be around me because I did not get an injection.  Now, if I were to test before visiting her, then she is okay with that.  I'm not going to test every time I want to see my child.  I thought I was being selfish thinking that but when others agreed with me, it gave me a little ...

 When I decide to end a friendship because they are two-faced, that is precisely what I want.  To end the friendship and all communication.   I have zero use for someone who talks shit about another person and then hangs out and parties with them.  I especially won't be friends with someone, whom I've told personal things to about that other person and not trusting them to keep what I said to themselves.   Do I believe she told The Monster everything I said?  Absolutely.    It  just makes me question, if I were to become friends with her ex-husband, would she be okay with it?  Of course she wouldn't.  So why would I be okay with her being friends with The Monster?  I know, without a shred of doubt, that she betrayed me.    I seem to have had quite a few friends in my past who have done that.  I'm about as good at choosing friends as I am at choosing men.    I don't want perfection in a friends...

It amazes me the men who abuse women. They tell her things that are utterly vile and evil. Bringing her as low as he possibly can just to keep her beneath him and in line. These men, I have found, are far from being GQ models. They aren't even close to it. These are men who demand perfection in a woman but are far from their lowest standard. I've been told by men to not get fat, to gain weight because I'm too thin, to not wear red lipstick because I look like a whore, they are the best I am ever going to get. When I look back on what they looked like then and what they look like now...I can only surmise that they truly hated themselves to say the things they did. These are men who have gone totally bald and the gut on them is beyond what is healthy. Ever hear of "buddha"? Yeah...that is what these men look like. They are men I would not look at twice. I just wouldn't. Why? Because there is zero attraction to me for a man like that. I'm not s...