It amazes me the men who abuse women. They tell her things that are utterly vile and evil. Bringing her as low as he possibly can just to keep her beneath him and in line. These men, I have found, are far from being GQ models. They aren't even close to it. These are men who demand perfection in a woman but are far from their lowest standard. I've been told by men to not get fat, to gain weight because I'm too thin, to not wear red lipstick because I look like a whore, they are the best I am ever going to get. When I look back on what they looked like then and what they look like now...I can only surmise that they truly hated themselves to say the things they did. These are men who have gone totally bald and the gut on them is beyond what is healthy. Ever hear of "buddha"? Yeah...that is what these men look like. They are men I would not look at twice. I just wouldn't. Why? Because there is zero attraction to me for a man like that. I'm not saying I'm all that and a bag of chips. I'm not. Not even remotely close. I just know that I'm not what these men told me I am. At least I know this in a small quiet part of my mind. It's convincing all of me that I'm not the fat, ugly, whore I was told I was. It's finding my confidence again and telling those voices to get the hell out and shut the fuck up. It isn't easy and many days I fail but there are some days, not many, where I succeed and win against the demons. Those are good days.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...