It amazes me the men who abuse women. They tell her things that are utterly vile and evil. Bringing her as low as he possibly can just to keep her beneath him and in line. These men, I have found, are far from being GQ models. They aren't even close to it. These are men who demand perfection in a woman but are far from their lowest standard. I've been told by men to not get fat, to gain weight because I'm too thin, to not wear red lipstick because I look like a whore, they are the best I am ever going to get. When I look back on what they looked like then and what they look like now...I can only surmise that they truly hated themselves to say the things they did. These are men who have gone totally bald and the gut on them is beyond what is healthy. Ever hear of "buddha"? Yeah...that is what these men look like. They are men I would not look at twice. I just wouldn't. Why? Because there is zero attraction to me for a man like that. I'm not saying I'm all that and a bag of chips. I'm not. Not even remotely close. I just know that I'm not what these men told me I am. At least I know this in a small quiet part of my mind. It's convincing all of me that I'm not the fat, ugly, whore I was told I was. It's finding my confidence again and telling those voices to get the hell out and shut the fuck up. It isn't easy and many days I fail but there are some days, not many, where I succeed and win against the demons. Those are good days.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...