I was thinking about how easy people walk away from any kind of relationship with me. There must be something inherently wrong with me besides my demons. It all started with my incubator. She was told by her husband to get rid of it. It meaning me. That is exactly what she did. Got rid of me. She did carry me to term but let me know that she very easily could have ripped me from her womb and flushed me down a toilet. I don't need rehash my adopted mother because we all know I was a throwaway to her from a very early age. I never had an actual long-term boyfriend when I was in my teens. I had very few relationships in high school. By very few I can count on one hand with fingers left over how many boyfriends I had. I was "one of the guys" to everyone. Even when we would meet guys at dances or while driving the Ave they were never, and I mean NEVER, interested in me. They were, however, very interested in my friends. I was just the driver since I was the only one with a license.
Skip forward to my party days. Again, I was always overlooked by guys. I was just another "one of the guys". I was "the sister" to another guy. No one was ever, and I mean NEVER, interested in me romantically. Let's head into my first marriage. Relationship started out great until his mom decided I was the spawn of satan and not good enough for her son. I was called a bitch, a mistake, the only chance my kids would have at looks was her son because I was hideous, I was called a beached whale...it just went on and on. Did my husband defend me? Nope. He just said, "well that's just mom". I walked away from the marriage less than a year after we got married. Did he fight for our marriage? Nope. Just signed the divorce papers when they were handed to him.
I've had friends consistently walk away from the friendship. Sometimes there was a mutual parting of ways, but the majority was never being spoken to again. Even those I thought were my closest friends, have walked away. Never, and I mean NEVER, has anyone stood by my side throughout the fights with my demons. I've been told "we love you unconditionally". That is a load of crap. Anyone who says they love me has always had conditions. They may love others unconditionally, but they absolutely do not feel the same towards me. No one ever has. Parents, family, spouses, boyfriends, friends I have been a throwaway since conception. Why would I think I would not be the same to anyone else? If my very own parents can toss me away like garbage...I know people not related to me can easily do the very same thing. I'm not worth loving. Never have been and never will be.
