Life as I know it...

 Things from my past are slowly coming back to the forefront of my memories.  After SD hit me, I was in a bad place emotionally.  Obviously.  I went from being a happy first-time mom to feeling about 3 centimeters tall.  Getting hit by someone who says they love you will do that to a girl.   You could say I was well on my way to those 50 shades.  I was eventually hired at a place here in town that had a majority of male employees.  I worked in a lumberyard.  Men were everywhere.  Sales desk, contractors and yardmen.   You want to talk about a boost for the self-esteem and ego. This was the place to fix my self-esteem.  By the time I started working here, I did not give one good rats' ass about the SD.   I started working there within a month or 2 of him beating me for the 2nd and last time.  I was in heaven working here.  Men would look at me, compliment me, leave me gifts, send me flowers and give...

 I've been thinking back on who I was in 2001.  I had separated from my husband and moved for a job on the westside of the state.  I was struggling with finding who I was, yet again.  By mid 2002, I had found my stride.  I was happy, I was liking myself again, I was in a great place.  I had dated a man, after moving, who was the one person who brought me out of that low point.  I was wearing clothes WAY too big for my body, I was just working and raising my kids.  One day he came over, looked at what I was wearing and said "Tracey, you have a great body.  You need to wear clothes that show it off".  I looked in the mirror and thought "Ya know..he's right".  So I started wearing cute clothes and absolutely feeling all of myself.  He was the most amazing man I have ever had sexually.  Good heavens but that man knew what he was doing.  Even when I thought we were done and would go to get out of bed, he would look at me, ...

 While doing my makeup this morning, I questioned "God knew that The Monster was not right for me.  I get that but why did He allow TM to abuse me?  Why did he have to get me to see that TM was not the man He created for me by allowing TM to all but destroy me?"  God knew what kind of man TM was/is.   I know we are given freewill by God.  We choose our path without His interference.  What I don't understand is why have abuse direct me out of a bad place?  I wish I understood why the abuse even happened.  I have some thoughts on it.  One being the  most obvious as it's the number one reason all abusers abuse.  He has incredibly low self esteem.    My ex boyfriend was the very same way.  However, he abused all of the women he dated/married. HIs narcissism knows no bounds.   Do I know if TM has abused other women?  No but with how adept he was at abusing me, I'm sure he has.    I don't ...

 My 50 shades of fucked up does not come from just The Monster.  He was just the catalyst to the whole house of cards falling.  He was the last male (can't call him a man because absolutely no decent man would have done what he did) that I have allowed to get close to me.  I've dated a couple of men after I moved out but the "relationships" didn't last long.  How could they when I was broken beyond repair?  I dated a man who did his best to break through my walls and get to the real me.  We had an amazing summer full of concerts, trips to Silverwood, Harry Potter book releases and yes....sex.   Everything was wonderful but when it came to intimacy...I was a stone wall.  I have to give him credit.  He did try and was incredibly patient.  I just couldn't let him in.   The Monster's words had too strong of a hold on me.  I still thought "He's not thinking of me but fantasizing just so he can be with me".  I rem...

Each day that passes, I realize more and more just how much of a monster he was and is.  What brings a man to the point where he gets off on belittling someone to the point of destruction?  He was no prize back then and, from what I've seen of him now...he's definitely not someone I would even look at twice.   Truthfully, I'm too good for him and I think, even back then, I was too good for him and he knew it...hence, the abuse.  Make me feel less than so he can feel superior.   Each morning, as I'm putting on my makeup and getting ready for work, I force myself to see who I truly am.  I force myself to see that I am not what The Monster said, not what friends have said, not what my family has said.  I force myself to not see the doormat that all of them created me to be.  I don't speak to my mother or my brother any longer.   I finally found my strength.  A  friend of My mother, my brother, extended family, friends an...

I'm having to open wounds that haven't totally healed and I'm not enjoying this at all.  I was chatting with my daughter last night about abusive men and The Monster came up.    He dates women who are the very thing he hated me for.  Being unattractive and heavy.  I told my daughter that brings me to only one conclusion...he enjoyed abusing me.  He got off on it.   After I said that she looked at me and said "Mom...it was control for him.  You weren't fat or ugly.  He just needed to control you".  She's right.  As long as he kept me beneath him, he could be superior.    K (my daughter) and I were talking about sex and I told her how The Monster blamed me because he could not get a hard on.  Seriously...he couldn't and said it was because of me and how fat I was.  At 36 years old he could not get hard.  I owned that for a long time but when I was packing up to move and saw his computer history was full o...

Had a good couple of days.   The demon took a mini vacation and I was happy.   Demon came back this morning and I woke up back in my safe space.  Why is the darkest place I can be considered my safe space?  Because I'm used to it.  I know what to expect and I truly feel safe in the dark.   I'm not vulnerable there.   No one can touch me when I'm wrapped up in the darkness.   One tiny step forward but this morning...two giant steps back.   Will I ever find happiness that stays? 😕 

 He truly was a monster.  He enjoyed abusing me.  Did he hit me or physically abuse me?  No.  Did he mentally and emotionally abuse me?  Every single moment that he had the chance.    I hate dredging this stuff back up but if I don't open the wound, expose the damage and let it heal properly, I will never heal from his abuse.  I need to.   I remember the day I found out he was having an online affair with a married woman named Barbie.  It wasn't long after I had a total hysterectomy and I was home while he was at work.  He either stupidly or knowingly left the messaging box minimized on the computer.  I clicked on it and absolutely everything in my life had changed.  Granted, our relationship was not great at that point but he had told me he wanted to work on "us".   When I read the conversation he had with this woman, I knew he was nothing more than a liar.   The conversation started innocuou...

 I was driving home last night thinking about my life the last 18 years and where would I be now if I had not moved back home.  I shudder to think where I would be had I married The Monster    That's my new name for him because only a monster could do what he did without regard to the devastation he left behind.  I think it fits.     In the last 18 years I have: 1. Cruised to Alaska 2. Cruised to Bermuda twice 3. Cruised to Mexico, Belize and Roatan 4. Road trip to South Dakota 5. Long weekend in LA 6. Many trips to Forks for events 7. Many trips to Leavenworth 8. Texas for a girls weekend 9. Las Vegas multiple times  10. Many many trips to California 12. Canada to see a Broadway show 13. Lots of concerts (best being 3rd row for Michael Buble) 14. Multiple girls weekends 15. Bought a house 16. Been at my job, with an amazing boss, for 17 years 17. Have another road trip booked for South Dakota 18. Trip to Orlando to Disney World/Universal Stu...

Once upon a time...I loved hugs Today...do not even think about touching me.  I will pull away. Once upon a time...I loved sex. Today...it's been 15 years since I've had sex and the thought of sex makes me sick to my stomach. Once upon a time...I loved kissing and long make-out sessions. Today...the thought is repulsing and disgusting. Once upon a time...I loved with all I was Today...my heart is closed and love is a 4 letter word Once upon a time...I was a girl who believed in love, sex, kissing, physical touch, the happen ending. Today...I am a woman who is nothing more than a shell, numb to feeling and nauseated at the thought of any kind of intimacy.   I miss that girl but she died many many years ago. 

 

 Majority of people who think about, consider, attempt or succeed with suicide do NOT want to die.  Let me repeat that....they DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!!  What they want is for the pain to stop.  A pain so deep that someone who does not suffer from depression cannot even remotely begin to understand.  If the person who is suffering can't truly understand, how can anyone, who doesn't fight demons every day, start to understand. I won't even begin to lie and say I don't think about suicide.  I think about it every day.  Will I act on those thoughts?  Absolutely not.  I'm severely depressed but I still have a grasp on a small flicker of light.  That is what is keeping me from just letting go and falling.  I don't even know what the light is.  Fear of hell?  Fear of death? Leaving behind my grandson?  Maybe it's a small amount of each.    I just know I won't end my life.  No matter how shitty my life is, how muc...

 How do you battle your demons when you are surrounded by those who brought those demons to life?  Family, friends, ex boyfriend who fathered your child.  I can't escape it.  No matter where I turn, no matter where I look...they are there.   If I decide I've had enough, my life is more important and move to a place where I'm alone...I will be sent on a guilt trip for leaving.    I am desperate to move.  However, my fear of moving is just as strong.   I hate living where I am.  I'm in a place where I cannot be my own person.  I am there for everyone else and fuck how I feel about it.   I am no longer the person I used to be.  I'm weak and I've become a doormat to everyone in my life.   I've cut my mother and her side of the family out of my life.  They have been some of the worst abusers in my life so why keep them around?    None of them know what is happening in my life and I know, ...

I feel like I'm spiraling.  I can't smile and if I do, it is forced.  Nothing brings happiness to my day.  Not even my grandson.  I am just working and going home to shower then bed.  I've lost all desire to do anything that I used to enjoy.   I know what my tipping point was.  I had a contractor come in and they have been repairing my home.  A couple of months later, a leak was found on Christmas day.  It was at that point I lost all hope.  It was on that day when I had a friend tell me "Just take it one day at a time and get a contractor out there!"  How in the fuck do I take things one day at a time when things go to shit for me ONE FUCKING DAY AT A TIME!!!????    Just when I think I am going to have some happiness in my life, I am thrown back into a hole.  I can physically feel the depression taking over.  I had some happiness for a couple of months when my house was finally getting repaired.  It wa...

 It doesn't matter what I do or say...I'm spoken to as if I am beyond stupid and cannot do anything without being told how to do it.   "make sure the clothes are dry before you take them out of the dryer" "You  need to call a contractor to have them look at the leak in your house" "You need to put the dishes in the dishwasher like this" It just goes on an on.     Why was I even born?  People treat me less than so why am I even here?

 

I was a bad mom. I did the best I could but my best, now that I look back, wasn't my best. Why was I a bad mom? Because I did not have a good role model to teach me how to parent. I had a mother who didn't hug me, a mother who took every chance she could to yell at me, to belittle me, to demean me (put lipstick on, you look sick...and I still do this to this day with her voice in my head), she never gave me credit for anything I DID do that was positive, always put me on the backburner, everyone else came first and I was an afterthought or mistake. As a mom...I did almost everything she did. I failed just as she failed. However, I did something that she has never done. I realized that I was not a good mom, I apologized to my children, I own my failures, I am trying to learn from my mistakes. I failed my children when they were growing up. I am going to do my best to not fail them as adults. Sadly...I didn't fall short. I failed. I've chatted with both of my girls and i...

 People are giving up on me.  I can't blame them.  I would give up on myself if I could.  Darkness seems like it just gets worse with each day.  I can't find a way to smile and very few things bring a smile to my face.  I can't even find a smile when I'm with my grandson.   I can tell, when people talk to me, that they are just fed up with me.  I get snarky comments, snarky responses to my questions.  I don't know how to deal with it anymore. 

 I'm tired of pretending. 

 When your own child pulls away when you touch their hand... that is when you know you're not loved, wanted or needed.   When your own family pulls away,  that's when you know you're not loved,  wanted or needed. If I wasn't shut down before...I am now.  

 We've all done it.  Avoided people who are mentally ill.  Some illnesses are frightening and avoidance is understood.  However, depression is not one of those illnesses.  It is a demon that needs exorcised and avoiding someone who battles depression only enables that demon to grow more powerful.  I have seen it in my life and I've watched the demon grow more powerful than I am.   My demon controls me.  It controls every aspect of who I am.   When the light starts to grow more powerful than the dark...I allow the demon to douse the light.  Why?  Because the darkness is more comfortable.  It's what I know and all I have known for the majority of my life.  It's my safe place.   Happiness terrifies me.  Not having thoughts of suicide on a daily basis is foreign to me.  Will I commit suicide?  No.  I'm even terrified of dying. I'm not going to do anything rash.  I'm just not. ...

 I've been told to go see a counselor for my 50 shades.  If I had never seen a counselor in my past, I would have agreed with that suggestion.  The counselors I've seen before have been nothing short of ridiculous.  I actually had one counselor tell me, after I spoke to her about being physically beaten by a man, to just say "I'm done" and walk away.   That's it.  That's all of the help she gave me.  "I'm done".  Yup...that cured a lifetime of hurt.    I trust counselors as much as I trust drinking Flint water.   I've taken medication.  Lots of medication  It only exacerbated the situation.  I feel like I'm a lost cause.  Nothing helps me.  No one wants to help me.  My family has all but written me off.  I've given up on friends.  I've tried asking friends to do things with me and it's always "well...".  I don't ask anymore.  Just to even ask someone to spend time with me i...

 When the demons are telling you "just swallow the pills in that bottle" but there is a very small, but strong, voice saying "No. You can do this".

 To see how people are full on gung ho in support of you when you are in a great place, have wonderful things happening, showing vacation photos but the moment darkness descends...those people are gone.  They ghost you and you are left alone.  When you need support the most, it is not there.  Truthfully, in that darkness, a person may not be looking for advice or even words.  They just need someone's presence and compassion.  Nothing more.   In that darkness, they don't see light.  They see nothing but pain and wanting it to end.  I have no friends who understand.  I'm just their token "fucked up" friend.   I'm preached at, told how to do things,  just take things one day at a time.   How do they propose I do that when every damned day I resent waking up?  They don't get it.  They have no compassion.  Just let it go they say.   Sure.  Let it go. If it was that easy,  I woul...

 I learn more and more each day just how little I'm thought of.  I'm 54 years old...almost 55.  I own a home.  I've been on my own for decades.  I do believe I can take care of myself and function as an adult.  Apparently, I have friends who believe otherwise.   I have family who believes otherwise.      I'm told to make sure clothes are completely dry before taking them out of the dryer.  I'm told how to do dishes.  I'm told how to cook.  I'm told how to clean. I'm told to call a contractor because there is a leak in my kitchen. I'm told I'm told I'm told.  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED!!!!  I am NOT stupid.  I am not lacking in brain cells.  I still have all of my faculties but yet I'm considered special needs by those who say they love me.    I want to get one thing clear...yes, I'm losing my memory and it does take me a bit more time to do something but I can still remember how t...