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Try and find the positive

 I was driving home last night thinking about my life the last 18 years and where would I be now if I had not moved back home.  I shudder to think where I would be had I married The Monster    That's my new name for him because only a monster could do what he did without regard to the devastation he left behind.  I think it fits.    

In the last 18 years I have:

1. Cruised to Alaska
2. Cruised to Bermuda twice
3. Cruised to Mexico, Belize and Roatan
4. Road trip to South Dakota
5. Long weekend in LA
6. Many trips to Forks for events
7. Many trips to Leavenworth
8. Texas for a girls weekend
9. Las Vegas multiple times 
10. Many many trips to California
12. Canada to see a Broadway show
13. Lots of concerts (best being 3rd row for Michael Buble)
14. Multiple girls weekends
15. Bought a house
16. Been at my job, with an amazing boss, for 17 years
17. Have another road trip booked for South Dakota
18. Trip to Orlando to Disney World/Universal Studios/Nascar Championship race
17.  Nascar race in Las Vegas
18. Was a judge in a beauty pageant in Nashville
19. Too many road trips to count

All of these amazing things have happened in my life since 2004 and yet...his abuse remains.   I do not know how to get his voice out of my head.  "You're too heavy.  You're not attractive. I'm with you only because I don't want a failed relationship.  You are the biggest bitch I have ever met. I can't get a hard on because of you.  I have to fantasize about other women just to have sex with you.  You're too thin.  Your cooking is awful.  Your house needs cleaned.  God told me to not be friends with you."  When will those words disappear?  When I can I shut those words off and not see what he told me I was (it was daily).  Why can I not tell him to go to hell and get out of my head?    I sit here and hate myself, cannot love, think sex is disgusting and vile while he goes on with his life.  How can abusers just destroy someone and move on without so much as a thought at how their victim is going to survive and become the person they were before the abuse?    I do not hate The Monster.  That would mean I have some kind of feelings for him.  Even when I see photos of him, I get physical sick to my stomach.  To be honest...I pray someone does to him what he has done to me.  Destroys every shred of self.  I pray he becomes nothing but a shell of a human and dies alone.  Even then...that is too good for him.   I have to fix me but at this point...I don't know how.  


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