We've all done it. Avoided people who are mentally ill. Some illnesses are frightening and avoidance is understood. However, depression is not one of those illnesses. It is a demon that needs exorcised and avoiding someone who battles depression only enables that demon to grow more powerful. I have seen it in my life and I've watched the demon grow more powerful than I am. My demon controls me. It controls every aspect of who I am. When the light starts to grow more powerful than the dark...I allow the demon to douse the light. Why? Because the darkness is more comfortable. It's what I know and all I have known for the majority of my life. It's my safe place. Happiness terrifies me. Not having thoughts of suicide on a daily basis is foreign to me. Will I commit suicide? No. I'm even terrified of dying.
I'm not going to do anything rash. I'm just not.
What do I do? I live with the demon. I live with hating my very soul. I live with looking in the mirror wondering why I was even allowed to breathe. I live to just exist. Every event in my life has led me to realize and accept...I was not meant to be born. Yet, here I am. I don't even know why. I serve absolutely no purpose to anyone and truthfully, I never have. I have been taught by parents, brother, family, friends, men...I'm not worthy of being loved. I've looked back on my life and that is all I can see. Never truly being accepted for the person I am. I've used the word before and I'll use it again. I am a throwaway.
