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Where is it...?

I feel like I'm spiraling.  I can't smile and if I do, it is forced.  Nothing brings happiness to my day.  Not even my grandson.  I am just working and going home to shower then bed.  I've lost all desire to do anything that I used to enjoy.   I know what my tipping point was.  I had a contractor come in and they have been repairing my home.  A couple of months later, a leak was found on Christmas day.  It was at that point I lost all hope.  It was on that day when I had a friend tell me "Just take it one day at a time and get a contractor out there!"  How in the fuck do I take things one day at a time when things go to shit for me ONE FUCKING DAY AT A TIME!!!????    Just when I think I am going to have some happiness in my life, I am thrown back into a hole. 

I can physically feel the depression taking over.  I had some happiness for a couple of months when my house was finally getting repaired.  It was a strange but welcome feeling.  I truly believed I was on my way to healing and happiness.    I don't understand why I cannot be allowed a happy life.  Why can't I have a life where demons don't haunt me every single day?  Why can't I have a life where I wake up happy to be waking up?  Why can't I have a life where the word "love" is nothing more than a lie?  Why?


 

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