Skip to main content

Where is it...?

I feel like I'm spiraling.  I can't smile and if I do, it is forced.  Nothing brings happiness to my day.  Not even my grandson.  I am just working and going home to shower then bed.  I've lost all desire to do anything that I used to enjoy.   I know what my tipping point was.  I had a contractor come in and they have been repairing my home.  A couple of months later, a leak was found on Christmas day.  It was at that point I lost all hope.  It was on that day when I had a friend tell me "Just take it one day at a time and get a contractor out there!"  How in the fuck do I take things one day at a time when things go to shit for me ONE FUCKING DAY AT A TIME!!!????    Just when I think I am going to have some happiness in my life, I am thrown back into a hole. 

I can physically feel the depression taking over.  I had some happiness for a couple of months when my house was finally getting repaired.  It was a strange but welcome feeling.  I truly believed I was on my way to healing and happiness.    I don't understand why I cannot be allowed a happy life.  Why can't I have a life where demons don't haunt me every single day?  Why can't I have a life where I wake up happy to be waking up?  Why can't I have a life where the word "love" is nothing more than a lie?  Why?


 

Popular posts from this blog

love

It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did.  To find out the things he does now for his wife?  The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me.  Knowing all of this has made me hate him.  I know it does nothing to him.  It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years.  I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being.    When I met him, I was in a good place.  I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love.  In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me.  I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was.  Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...
Read more

Too much...

 There are days I enjoy living my life.  There are days I thoroughly hate it.  Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown.  Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying.   Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope.   Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship.  Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again.  I've been told she has been married 4...
Read more

A lifetime

 I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember.  I honestly don't remember a time when I thought I was worth loving or even being allowed to live.  I've been suicidal, I've had a catatonic moment, I've been severely depressed.  In essence, I've been a mental mess.  I didn't know why.  I just was.  Doctors put me on medication but they barely touched my illness.  The demons were still there.  When I went off of the medication, those voices were loud and strong.   They controlled me.  The problem was...I didn't mind it.  It was a comfort for me.  It was my safe space.  I embraced their words. I know that sounds twisted but mental illness doesn't make sense. One year ago I decided I had enough.  I wanted to be happy.  I wanted to live my life, not just exist in it.  I went back on medication.  It helped...for a while.  Then those voices started coming back.  "You aren't worth i...
Read more