I'm having to open wounds that haven't totally healed and I'm not enjoying this at all. I was chatting with my daughter last night about abusive men and The Monster came up. He dates women who are the very thing he hated me for. Being unattractive and heavy. I told my daughter that brings me to only one conclusion...he enjoyed abusing me. He got off on it. After I said that she looked at me and said "Mom...it was control for him. You weren't fat or ugly. He just needed to control you". She's right. As long as he kept me beneath him, he could be superior. K (my daughter) and I were talking about sex and I told her how The Monster blamed me because he could not get a hard on. Seriously...he couldn't and said it was because of me and how fat I was. At 36 years old he could not get hard. I owned that for a long time but when I was packing up to move and saw his computer history was full of online porn...that's when it was no longer a me problem. K even said that if a man is looking at that much porn, he can't get turned on by a real woman. It's like drugs...you become desensitized to reality. In 6 days he had looked at over 300 videos/pictures/websites. It was no wonder that hand jobs, blow jobs or anything else I tried did not turn him on. It just dawned on me why he said he had to fantasize about other women. Real women don't do it for him. The only way he can get it up is to think of porn. WOW! After 18 years...I just had a break through. A small one but still...it's a step forward.
The Monster is the reason I don't trust men. I cannot believe anything they say to me. I'm told I'm pretty...I laugh and ask the guy if he has been drinking or he needs glasses. I'm told I'm a good person and I tell them they are delusional. First time I had sex with a man, after leaving The Monster, I cried the whole time. This man actually stopped, looked at me and said "Tracey...are you okay?". I told him I wasn't and told him why. What did he say to me? "Tracey...I am here with you, only you and you are the only woman I am thinking of". My self esteem and worth is and has been so low that I cannot imagine a man not thinking of another woman when he is with me. It has been 15 years since I've been intimate with a man. Until I can get past this "you are unattractive and I'm only with you because I don't want another failed relationship" bullshit...I won't be intimate again. Until I don't look in the mirror and see a fat, ugly and disgusting unworthy loaf of a human...I won't be intimate again. Until I can see what others see in me...I won't be intimate again. I need to heal. One small step at a time.
The Monster is the reason I don't trust men. I cannot believe anything they say to me. I'm told I'm pretty...I laugh and ask the guy if he has been drinking or he needs glasses. I'm told I'm a good person and I tell them they are delusional. First time I had sex with a man, after leaving The Monster, I cried the whole time. This man actually stopped, looked at me and said "Tracey...are you okay?". I told him I wasn't and told him why. What did he say to me? "Tracey...I am here with you, only you and you are the only woman I am thinking of". My self esteem and worth is and has been so low that I cannot imagine a man not thinking of another woman when he is with me. It has been 15 years since I've been intimate with a man. Until I can get past this "you are unattractive and I'm only with you because I don't want another failed relationship" bullshit...I won't be intimate again. Until I don't look in the mirror and see a fat, ugly and disgusting unworthy loaf of a human...I won't be intimate again. Until I can see what others see in me...I won't be intimate again. I need to heal. One small step at a time.