He truly was a monster. He enjoyed abusing me. Did he hit me or physically abuse me? No. Did he mentally and emotionally abuse me? Every single moment that he had the chance. I hate dredging this stuff back up but if I don't open the wound, expose the damage and let it heal properly, I will never heal from his abuse. I need to.
I remember the day I found out he was having an online affair with a married woman named Barbie. It wasn't long after I had a total hysterectomy and I was home while he was at work. He either stupidly or knowingly left the messaging box minimized on the computer. I clicked on it and absolutely everything in my life had changed. Granted, our relationship was not great at that point but he had told me he wanted to work on "us". When I read the conversation he had with this woman, I knew he was nothing more than a liar. The conversation started innocuous enough but that didn't last long. He started talking about how he hated being with me, that I had let myself go. Remember...I had just had major surgery. I was cut open to remove vital body parts. Yes, I had "let myself go". I didn't have much of a choice. He said that when he "made love" to me he had to fantasize about other women. So...let's get one thing straight on his wording. That isn't "making love". It's fucking on his part. After reading just that small amount of how much he was disgusted by me, I kind of skimmed over the rest of the conversation because I was in a state of shock and...well it was sexually graphic and made my skin crawl. Later that evening, when he came home and said "Hi honey"...I just walked away into the bedroom. He followed me asking what was wrong and I looked that son of a bitch square in the eye and said "so you have to fantasize about other women just to make love to me?" All color in his face drained. He tried to turn it around on me saying I was snooping but when someone leaves a window open on a shared computer, it's bound to be read. To this day, he has never owned that what he did was wrong. He throws the blame onto me.
He has dated a bit in the last 18 years. One girl ended things with him and he actually blamed it on me. I didn't even know the woman. Had no clue who she was but in his narcissistic mind, he couldn't have done anything wrong. It was all on me. And he says I'm the crazy one. What brought me to realizing that he is truly a monster is realizing that the women he has dated were and are the exact thing he said he hated about me. Unattractive and fat. This tells me one thing...he enjoyed belittling and demeaning me. He enjoyed making me feel that I was less than human. He enjoyed pushing me so low that I hated every fiber of my being. He enjoyed destroying me. He is a narcissistic monster. It took me 18 years to finally sort that out. I'm slowly overcoming each event and thing he did to me. It may take another 18 years but I pray, on my death bed, I can say I won and slayed the monster.
