How do you battle your demons when you are surrounded by those who brought those demons to life? Family, friends, ex boyfriend who fathered your child. I can't escape it. No matter where I turn, no matter where I look...they are there. If I decide I've had enough, my life is more important and move to a place where I'm alone...I will be sent on a guilt trip for leaving. I am desperate to move. However, my fear of moving is just as strong. I hate living where I am. I'm in a place where I cannot be my own person. I am there for everyone else and fuck how I feel about it. I am no longer the person I used to be. I'm weak and I've become a doormat to everyone in my life.
I've cut my mother and her side of the family out of my life. They have been some of the worst abusers in my life so why keep them around? None of them know what is happening in my life and I know, without a doubt, they will never take responsibility for the damage they caused me. Any kind of trouble I had with my brother, the fault was always mine. At least according to them. He never did anything wrong and it was all because of me. Did my mother defend me? Nope. Shocking right?
Sadly, I was taught, from an early age, to hate love. To not believe in it. To realize I'm not worthy of it. I fully believe it's why I cannot maintain relationships. I wasn't given a foundation to understand it. I've always thought "there is something better, there is someone who will love me more" As far back as I can remember, I was not given or shown love by my mother or my brother. My dad tried to make up for it but how can one man make up for the rest of the family? It made my mother and brother resent him for it. It created a divide within the family that was never overcome. Do I blame my dad? No. I don't. Do I blame my mother? Absolutely. She chose to not accept me for who I was. I was never ever good enough for her. A child needs love from both parents. If they don't receive it, they will turn out the way I did. Completely screwed up.
I'm incapable of loving. No matter how I try, I cannot open my heart to let anyone get close. I was set up by my mother for this life and not given the tools to be successful as a woman, a mom, a wife. Where does that leave me? Exactly where I am now...existing and not worth the air I breathe.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...