How do you battle your demons when you are surrounded by those who brought those demons to life? Family, friends, ex boyfriend who fathered your child. I can't escape it. No matter where I turn, no matter where I look...they are there. If I decide I've had enough, my life is more important and move to a place where I'm alone...I will be sent on a guilt trip for leaving. I am desperate to move. However, my fear of moving is just as strong. I hate living where I am. I'm in a place where I cannot be my own person. I am there for everyone else and fuck how I feel about it. I am no longer the person I used to be. I'm weak and I've become a doormat to everyone in my life.
I've cut my mother and her side of the family out of my life. They have been some of the worst abusers in my life so why keep them around? None of them know what is happening in my life and I know, without a doubt, they will never take responsibility for the damage they caused me. Any kind of trouble I had with my brother, the fault was always mine. At least according to them. He never did anything wrong and it was all because of me. Did my mother defend me? Nope. Shocking right?
Sadly, I was taught, from an early age, to hate love. To not believe in it. To realize I'm not worthy of it. I fully believe it's why I cannot maintain relationships. I wasn't given a foundation to understand it. I've always thought "there is something better, there is someone who will love me more" As far back as I can remember, I was not given or shown love by my mother or my brother. My dad tried to make up for it but how can one man make up for the rest of the family? It made my mother and brother resent him for it. It created a divide within the family that was never overcome. Do I blame my dad? No. I don't. Do I blame my mother? Absolutely. She chose to not accept me for who I was. I was never ever good enough for her. A child needs love from both parents. If they don't receive it, they will turn out the way I did. Completely screwed up.
I'm incapable of loving. No matter how I try, I cannot open my heart to let anyone get close. I was set up by my mother for this life and not given the tools to be successful as a woman, a mom, a wife. Where does that leave me? Exactly where I am now...existing and not worth the air I breathe.
Well I got a couple more hours of sleep. I have the best kids. They let me sleep and didn't wake me up until my cell started ringing. We went out and about today. K wanted to try Bubble Tea so I obliged her. Mistake. It is not good by any stretch of the imagination. If you don't know what Bubble Tea is....g00gle it. Once you find out...don't try it. *shudder* An expensive taste test. There is a storm heading our way. Would you believe it's supposed to snow tonight??? Snow on Easter. How odd would that be? Speaking of Easter...my girls are watching TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network) and watching a childs version of The Passion. Even watching the crucifixtion of Christ as a cartoon it still brings tears to my eyes. I am so unworthy of what He went through for me. Well not just me but all of mankind. I saw The Passion last year and that is when I realized I needed to turn my life around. I was making a serious mess of things so I gave it all back to God. My life has had it...