I've been thinking back on who I was in 2001. I had separated from my husband and moved for a job on the westside of the state. I was struggling with finding who I was, yet again. By mid 2002, I had found my stride. I was happy, I was liking myself again, I was in a great place. I had dated a man, after moving, who was the one person who brought me out of that low point. I was wearing clothes WAY too big for my body, I was just working and raising my kids. One day he came over, looked at what I was wearing and said "Tracey, you have a great body. You need to wear clothes that show it off". I looked in the mirror and thought "Ya know..he's right". So I started wearing cute clothes and absolutely feeling all of myself. He was the most amazing man I have ever had sexually. Good heavens but that man knew what he was doing. Even when I thought we were done and would go to get out of bed, he would look at me, smile and say "Where are you going? I'm not done with you..." He would give me feelings I had never had. Did that relationship work out? No but I don't believe it was supposed to. He was what I needed at that time.
Even after that man, I dated quite a few men who were absolutely amazing. Not lifetime amazing but amazing for what I needed at that time. I was in a great place. Then I clicked on a man who would change that. He would take me from heaven straight into the pits of hell. Had I known then what I know now...I would have ever, ever dated him. I have have clicked "Not" and moved right along. Do I want to find that man who gave "me" back to me? Sometimes. I think he would kick my ass and help me find who I am again. I wouldn't need him in my life for a lifetime. Just to help me get back to where I was when I clicked that "yes" button. I do have my memories of this man and the memories are good, they are amazing and they are forever cherished. There was a point in my life when a man like him (sexy, good dancer, handsome, tall, good dancer and above all...he desired me) was interested in me. The good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. He was my healer. For that I will always be thankful. I need to find his words again. I need to find the me he saw every time he looked at me. That girl is in there somewhere and I'm determined to find her.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...