Things from my past are slowly coming back to the forefront of my memories. After SD hit me, I was in a bad place emotionally. Obviously. I went from being a happy first-time mom to feeling about 3 centimeters tall. Getting hit by someone who says they love you will do that to a girl. You could say I was well on my way to those 50 shades. I was eventually hired at a place here in town that had a majority of male employees. I worked in a lumberyard. Men were everywhere. Sales desk, contractors and yardmen. You want to talk about a boost for the self-esteem and ego. This was the place to fix my self-esteem. By the time I started working here, I did not give one good rats' ass about the SD. I started working there within a month or 2 of him beating me for the 2nd and last time. I was in heaven working here. Men would look at me, compliment me, leave me gifts, send me flowers and give me notes. One actually helped me out with my rent because my hours had been cut back due to slow business. I was truly loved by the people I worked with and the people I came into contact with.
There was one man, in particular, who got my attention. Yes, I was still living with the SD but, after that last beating, I didn't care anymore about what I did or who I spoke to. This man gave me everything the SD did not. Smiles, winks, sweet notes. He gave me the attention I was so desperately needing and craving. One day, he asked me to meet him somewhere after work. I knew exactly what he was asking. I made my excuses to leave the house and I met him. He found the woman I was before I was beaten. He made me feel special. It was not long after that first meeting that I found the courage to leave the SD. He gave me a feeling of self-worth that I had not had in a long time. It's been over 20 years and I can still see his face in my mind and the smile he would get every time he walked in and saw me at my desk. Our affair did not end with that one evening. It continued for a little over a year. It was a year of finding myself again and the woman I had lost. We just had sex and emotions were never involved. I take that back...my emotions started to get to me towards the end of our affair. I did start to fall in love with him. I was going against what we said we would never do. It was time to end it. We parted as friends and I have zero regrets for our relationship.
I still have one of the notes he gave me. On it are 4 words. Words that I need to always remember whenever TM enters my thoughts. As long as I keep remembering this man and the other men who entered my life for a reason, I will one day be the woman every one of them saw in me. A beautiful, gorgeous, desirable, wonderful woman. I'll find her again.
