Dawn

Each day that passes, I realize more and more just how much of a monster he was and is.  What brings a man to the point where he gets off on belittling someone to the point of destruction?  He was no prize back then and, from what I've seen of him now...he's definitely not someone I would even look at twice.   Truthfully, I'm too good for him and I think, even back then, I was too good for him and he knew it...hence, the abuse.  Make me feel less than so he can feel superior.  

Each morning, as I'm putting on my makeup and getting ready for work, I force myself to see who I truly am.  I force myself to see that I am not what The Monster said, not what friends have said, not what my family has said.  I force myself to not see the doormat that all of them created me to be.  I don't speak to my mother or my brother any longer.   I finally found my strength.

 A friend ofMy mother, my brother, extended family, friends and men. It's all I know. I've always been a throwaway so I just accepted it from him. I believed I deserved it and with 50+ years of programming, I couldn't just forget it happened. I accepted it as I thought I didn't deserve better. I cut off all ties to him in 2018 so in truth, the abuse did not stop in 2004. It continued even though we weren't dating and just "friends". I use that word very very loosely as he does not know how to be a friend to anyone.

I have lived with emotional/mental abuse since childhood. My mother was the start of it. She didn't hug me, she didn't tell me she loved me, she put my brother on a pedestal and absolutely nothing I did was ever good enough. That carried over into my adult life. I accepted that very same treatment from men. Only one man has ever hit me. Beat the shit out of me a couple of times and that was enough for me. I accepted the other abuse though. My mother taught me well. My brother was just like my mother only he would verbalize his disgust of me. I was a loser, I was a failure and would never be anything in life. He has told me I'm a piece of shit mother and should have had my kids taken from me. He has told me I should have been thrown in jail for being an abusive mother...something I NEVER was. It just continued with extended family and friends so how would I have known anything different?  

All I know in life is abuse. In one form or another. BUT...I'm working towards healing that. Realizing that the monster was precisely that....a MONSTER and it had zero to do with me, has given me a door to look through and see healing on the other side.  mine asked why I listened to the monster for so long.  I sat and thought about it and realized I've lived nothing but an abused life.