Life as I know it...

Good grief I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and not the fun kind.  It doesn't help that I have to struggle with eating.  I had the bug back in August and my taste has gone all wonky.  Anything that has protein in it, red meat being the worst, makes me gag.  It tastes like it's soured or just full on rotten.  Can't eat eggs, peanut butter, chicken, pork.  What's weird...I can't eat potatoes.  WTH?  I love potatoes and they are gag worthy.  Add a nauseous tummy from my meds and we just have a mess.  The positive side of it?  I'm losing weight.  :) On a more positive note, my house is now listed.  I've made the decision to sell and get out from under the stress of maintaining a house and a yard.  I work too much during the summer to even give my yard the attention it needs.  With my full time job and then a 2nd job at the track, I can't do it.  Plus, at 55 years old, it's just way too much work for just me....

 Well...I can tell a bit of a difference in my world view.    I have some moments of light and I'm enjoying it.  However, yesterday and today are pretty dark.  Friday was dark as well.  I'm hoping and praying that those dark days will eventually go away.  I'm still afraid of the light but slowly starting to embrace it.  I did notice something though.  I haven't given a 2nd thought to The Monster.  He is becoming nothing but a distant memory.  I did see a recent photo of him and all I could think was "Seriously?"  A man who belittled me, demeaned me, condemned me and treated me like I was the most hideous thing he had ever seen has now become what he said I was.  He is bald, he isn't remotely attractive and he is fat.  I guess karma does come around.  Sometimes it happens in ways we didn't think of but in the grand scheme of things...the fact that he is everything he said I was...well that is revenge enough for me...

 I'm nine days into my medication.  Not sure I'm happy about this decision.  The nausea is almost too much to deal with.  Thankfully, I'm not vomiting but there are times I want to.  I'm kinda jittery but it's not brutal.   As for mentally, I'm not in as dark of a place as I was 2 weeks ago.   I know that it will take at least a month before I feel the full effects of the meds but I think I'm on the right road.   This feeling of NOT being swallowed by darkness is completely foreign to me.  I don't know how to be.  I don't know how to accept it.  Truthfully, I'm afraid of it.  I want to go back to how I was.  I know it's not healthy for me to do that but it's all I've known for almost 20 years.  How do I live a life that I know nothing of?  Especially at my age.   I was fully content in living in the dark until my death.  It's going to take some time, that much do I know. I can say, w...

 Thursday, March 3, 2022 I saw an actual doctor.  Not a nurse but a real MD.  I was tested for dementia and thankfully, I am not facing that demon.  We had a discussion about the things I'm going through, what I've battled and we have decided to put me back on Paxil.  I hate being on medication but if I don't do something, my demons are going to kill me.   I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.  I've fought it for a very long time and I just don't have anything left in me.  I took my first pill Saturday morning.  I'm on a low dose so I'm hoping and praying that will be enough.    It's going to take some time for these to kick in so I just need to hold on for a few more weeks.   I can safely say, I'm terrified to find out just who I am.  I've given myself up to everyone my whole life.   How do I be someone I've never met?   That in and of itself is almost enough to no take the pills. ...