Life as I know it...

 I do not believe in romantic love.  Simple as that.  I'm so tired of people saying "You will find it one day" "Don't judge all men based upon your past" "It will hit you one day and you will fall in love".  Okay...let's get one thing straight....nope, nope, and nope.  I don't judge all men based upon the monster because let's face it, he's the worst male I've ever dated.  Even compared to the douche canoe who beat me, the Monster is way worse.    Just my view but honestly, I should have never been born.  I've looked back on my life, seen how shitty men have treated me, how friends have betrayed me, how family has belittled me, harmed me...at what point do I think my life has worth or meaning?  It doesn't.  From conception, I was unwanted.  As a child, I was unwanted.  I'm now 55 years old and the way I see myself is...a nothing.    Being on medication is a double-edged sword for me.  Before the meds, my dem...

 It has been 2 months and I have seen and felt so many changes in who I am.  I feel lighter.  I feel human and...this is the great part...I don't feel the demons as strongly.  I don't feel my abusers anymore.  They have become a distant memory.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still battling their abuse but it's not taking over my life.  I've learned to fight it and control the words they said to me.  I still look in the mirror and see a fat ugly woman but I'm slowly starting to SEE me for what and who I actually am.   It isn't easy though.  I've lived a lifetime of seeing a nothing in the mirror.    I know what I need to do but it's going to be tough to follow through.  I need to start dating again.  I need to believe I'm worth loving.  I need to believe I deserve it.    I have a freaking lifetime of never being enough.  I'm honestly not sure I can do it.  I'm still weak in that area.  Not ...

 Update: Vampire says that I have hyperthyroidism.  I knew this.  I was born with 1/2 of a thyroid.  Freaked my endocrinologist out when he first saw my scans.  He said he had never seen that before.  So see?  I'm special and unique.  My doctor told me so.  ;) Was doing some musing today and I thought about my childhood.  How my mother was not a warm fuzzy mother.  No hugs, no "I love you's", no feeling loved by her.  I always felt I was a mistake to her.  When she told me that she left me alone after I took a bottle of pills when I was 17, I knew in my soul, that I was never truly wanted by her.   Honestly, I believe she did not want a daughter at all but adopted me to make my dad happy.   They adopted my brother 4 years after me and he was the apple of her eye and always has been.  I was the "trouble child". She would always say "Tracey is so moody".   Now that I think back on it, yes I...

 Had my blood drawn the other day.  Dr wants to see what is causing my memory loss.   She does think that part of it is my depression, which I will agree with but...these headaches are constant and every single day.  Forgetting things that I should not forget is frightening.   She did run a test on me the last time I saw her and I am right on the border of mild cognitive memory loss.  That was not comforting.  I see her again next week and I truly hope we can figure out what is going on because this is becoming frightening.   As for the meds...I'm finally past the jittery and nausea garbage.  Still can't eat much but that saves on groceries right?  I was driving to work today and was thinking "Why did I throw away almost 20 years of my life and not take the meds I knew worked for me?  Why did I give 20 years of my life to hating The Monster for what he did to me?  Why wasn't I strong enough to say 'fuck you assho...

Good grief I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and not the fun kind.  It doesn't help that I have to struggle with eating.  I had the bug back in August and my taste has gone all wonky.  Anything that has protein in it, red meat being the worst, makes me gag.  It tastes like it's soured or just full on rotten.  Can't eat eggs, peanut butter, chicken, pork.  What's weird...I can't eat potatoes.  WTH?  I love potatoes and they are gag worthy.  Add a nauseous tummy from my meds and we just have a mess.  The positive side of it?  I'm losing weight.  :) On a more positive note, my house is now listed.  I've made the decision to sell and get out from under the stress of maintaining a house and a yard.  I work too much during the summer to even give my yard the attention it needs.  With my full time job and then a 2nd job at the track, I can't do it.  Plus, at 55 years old, it's just way too much work for just me....

 Well...I can tell a bit of a difference in my world view.    I have some moments of light and I'm enjoying it.  However, yesterday and today are pretty dark.  Friday was dark as well.  I'm hoping and praying that those dark days will eventually go away.  I'm still afraid of the light but slowly starting to embrace it.  I did notice something though.  I haven't given a 2nd thought to The Monster.  He is becoming nothing but a distant memory.  I did see a recent photo of him and all I could think was "Seriously?"  A man who belittled me, demeaned me, condemned me and treated me like I was the most hideous thing he had ever seen has now become what he said I was.  He is bald, he isn't remotely attractive and he is fat.  I guess karma does come around.  Sometimes it happens in ways we didn't think of but in the grand scheme of things...the fact that he is everything he said I was...well that is revenge enough for me...

 I'm nine days into my medication.  Not sure I'm happy about this decision.  The nausea is almost too much to deal with.  Thankfully, I'm not vomiting but there are times I want to.  I'm kinda jittery but it's not brutal.   As for mentally, I'm not in as dark of a place as I was 2 weeks ago.   I know that it will take at least a month before I feel the full effects of the meds but I think I'm on the right road.   This feeling of NOT being swallowed by darkness is completely foreign to me.  I don't know how to be.  I don't know how to accept it.  Truthfully, I'm afraid of it.  I want to go back to how I was.  I know it's not healthy for me to do that but it's all I've known for almost 20 years.  How do I live a life that I know nothing of?  Especially at my age.   I was fully content in living in the dark until my death.  It's going to take some time, that much do I know. I can say, w...

 Thursday, March 3, 2022 I saw an actual doctor.  Not a nurse but a real MD.  I was tested for dementia and thankfully, I am not facing that demon.  We had a discussion about the things I'm going through, what I've battled and we have decided to put me back on Paxil.  I hate being on medication but if I don't do something, my demons are going to kill me.   I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.  I've fought it for a very long time and I just don't have anything left in me.  I took my first pill Saturday morning.  I'm on a low dose so I'm hoping and praying that will be enough.    It's going to take some time for these to kick in so I just need to hold on for a few more weeks.   I can safely say, I'm terrified to find out just who I am.  I've given myself up to everyone my whole life.   How do I be someone I've never met?   That in and of itself is almost enough to no take the pills. ...

 I can tell when my demons are controlling my posts and when it's me.  How do I get rid of the very things that have controlled my life for so long?  I can't do it on my own.  

 I'm losing weight.  People all but chew me out for it saying I don't need to but ya know what?  Losing weight is the one and only thing in my life I can control   I think the Vid bug helped because it's taken away my taste and sense of smell.  I hate eating now so I eat just enough to keep me from getting shaky and dizzy.  That's a positive.  I had the bug back in August and I was starting to push a size 10 again.  Now?  I can happily state that I'm back down to an 8.  My goal, is a 4.  I wouldn't mind a 2 but I think that's pushing it.  I have to be thin.  Not that I will ever see myself as thin.  I look in the mirror and see nothing but an ugly pig.  I still see the fat unattractive human I was told I was.  I don't think that will ever change but as long as I can see my pant size is small...that gets me through.  As for my looks?  I can't do anything about that.  I'll always see a very...

 Absolutely no one would notice.  No one would care.  One day, someone might say "Hey...where is Tracey?" but for the most part...I would not be missed.    The older I get, the more I realize I have never been wanted by anyone.   Not family, not men, my friends, obviously not by my parents.   I look back on my life and realize that I was tolerated.  I wasn't really wanted.  For men...I was just someone to play with.  For friends...they tolerated me and most likely felt sorry for me.  I've never truly be liked and I see that more and more with each passing day.   People say God doesn't make mistakes.  I say they are wrong.  He did make at least one.  That was me.  I will never be close to anyone again.  After almost 55 years of thinking I'm worth loving, I can finally say that for almost 55 years I was delusional.    No one has and no one ever will love me.   Sometimes,...

 

 I hear this every single day.  Does anyone care?  Nope and guess what?  Neither do I. 

 I have tried to understand why people believe, I mean truly believe, they can say what they want about me and my family then when I get upset, they turn it back around onto me.   I'm the one who shouldn't get upset, I'm the one they are "protecting", I'm the one that they hate seeing how my family treats me, so they are responding to that.  Seriously?   I know for a fact that if I were to call any of their mom's a bitch, they would go off on me.  If I called their children assholes or bitches?  All of hells fury would rain down on me.  So, I do not understand why it's okay they do the same to me and expect me to be okay with it.  To not say anything and accept it.   These are the very same people who tell me they "love me" and hope I find peace one day.   They have got to be kidding.   Peace, for me, are friends who do not call my children names.  Peace, for me, are friends who do not call my family na...

 I was thinking about how easy people walk away from any kind of relationship with me.  There must be something inherently wrong with me besides my demons.  It all started with my incubator.  She was told by her husband to get rid of it.  It meaning me.  That is exactly what she did.  Got rid of me.  She did carry me to term but let me know that she very easily could have ripped me from her womb and flushed me down a toilet.  I don't need rehash my adopted mother because we all know I was a throwaway to her from a very early age.  I never had an actual long-term boyfriend when I was in my teens.  I had very few relationships in high school.  By very few I can count on one hand with fingers left over how many boyfriends I had.  I was "one of the guys" to everyone.    Even when we would meet guys at dances or while driving the Ave they were never, and I mean NEVER, interested in me.  They were, however, very i...

 I grew up with a mother telling me that my friends truly aren't my friends.  I look back and realize,  I was never liked by anyone.    I was tolerated.   I'm not going to say I have always been the perfect friend.  I haven't.  I've said things I should have never said.  I don't say mean things out of malice.  It comes from being hurt.  Maybe I've said things to hurt someone so they won't be close enough to hurt me.  I've found I do that a lot now.  I don't give anyone the chance to even try to hurt me.  I push them away first.  It's safer.   Truthfully, part of me believes what my mother told me.  I didn't have friends and never have.  Every friend, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE, that I have let get close to me has betrayed me.  All of them.  I've been just someone to tolerate and walk over when the need arises.  Someone to throw under the bus.  Someone to demean their ...

 It has been proven to me time and time again how little I matter.   If I feel a certain way about something, it is belittled.  If I am hurt, I am told to apologize to the person who hurt me.  If I state my opinion, I am wrong no matter what the opinion is.    If I were to say "I wish my incubator would have had an abortion" I am told "but then your kids wouldn't have been born.  Everything is always and I mean ALWAYS about someone else.  I am not even remotely considered.   I hate to be touched and for some reason, I'm wrong.  "Well, you hugged me a couple of times last year".  Yeah...that was me trying to work through the cringe I have when someone touches me.   When I state I hate breathing, it's met with "but you have your grandson".   Let's get one thing perfectly clear...it is because of my grandson that I'm still breathing.  He is the only reason.   I don't live for my family, I do...

 I cannot seem to learn my lesson.  Hopefully, what happened yesterday will be all of the lesson I need.  What is it with "friends" thinking it's well within their rights to call anyone in my family, whom I've struggled with or who have hurt me, vile and disgusting names.  Only one family member, my brother,  I won't have issues with that because he is an asshole.  Has been since his birth and I will never look at him fondly.   To call my mother a bitch and to call my daughter an asshole is crossing lines that should never be crossed.  However, it's shown me something.  My mother was right.  I don't have friends.  No one has ever truly been my friend.   When I think back on friends I've had, all of them have betrayed me in one way or another. 1. My daughter was a heroin addict and I did not know how to cope and get through the struggles.  I had friends who completely stopped talking to me.  I was pushed away...

I hate today.  It's the day of celebrating the worst 4 letter word known to man.  Love.   It's nothing more than a word to hurt people, cause damage and make them delusional.  I have been shown this throughout my whole life.   Parents, brother, family, friends, men.  They say they "love" me but their actions prove otherwise.  My parents leaving me to die after a suicide attempt?  That's obviously letting me know I'm not loved.  Men beating and raping me?  Obviously that is letting me know I'm not loved.  Friends betraying me in uncountable ways?  Definitely letting me know I'm not loved.  Brother telling me I should rot in jail because I'm a shitty mother, shitty person, a failure?  Yeah...no love there.  Family telling me I'm worthless and not wanted in the family?  Again...no love shown there.  So tell me...why in the fuck should I EVER believe love is real?  

 when you need to let go.  You can chase someone for years, wanting to build a relationship, repair the damage to the relationship from the past but if that someone doesn't want what you want...why are you chasing?  Whether that is a romantic interest, a friend, a family member or even your own child.  There comes a moment in time where you need to stop and have more respect for you.  Why are you chasing someone who clearly doesn't want a lot to do with you?  you are only breaking your heart more than it already was.  Stop.  Find the strength to let them go to live their life.  Will you be in it?  With some?  No, you won't.  With others?  Maybe on a very limited basis.   There will be others it will be not at all.    There has to come a time when you have to stop demeaning yourself and allowing yourself to be made a fool.    This week was that moment for me.  My heart is broken but it isn...

 This pretty much hits home and sums everything up...

 I think God just enjoys watching my life being put through a living hell.  Does He ever step in?  Nope.  Even when I am down on my knees asking for Him...He is not there.    I just keep getting reminded time after time that I'm nothing short of a throwaway human.    At what point do I say "I'm done"?  I truly do not know how I can get through this.  My grandson keeps me focused on a light but there is going to come an event that even he cannot keep me grounded.   Last night I learned just what my youngest thinks of me.  I learned that she is telling people she came from a very abusive home.  I've learned that she does not want to be around me because I did not get an injection.  Now, if I were to test before visiting her, then she is okay with that.  I'm not going to test every time I want to see my child.  I thought I was being selfish thinking that but when others agreed with me, it gave me a little ...

 When I decide to end a friendship because they are two-faced, that is precisely what I want.  To end the friendship and all communication.   I have zero use for someone who talks shit about another person and then hangs out and parties with them.  I especially won't be friends with someone, whom I've told personal things to about that other person and not trusting them to keep what I said to themselves.   Do I believe she told The Monster everything I said?  Absolutely.    It  just makes me question, if I were to become friends with her ex-husband, would she be okay with it?  Of course she wouldn't.  So why would I be okay with her being friends with The Monster?  I know, without a shred of doubt, that she betrayed me.    I seem to have had quite a few friends in my past who have done that.  I'm about as good at choosing friends as I am at choosing men.    I don't want perfection in a friends...

It amazes me the men who abuse women. They tell her things that are utterly vile and evil. Bringing her as low as he possibly can just to keep her beneath him and in line. These men, I have found, are far from being GQ models. They aren't even close to it. These are men who demand perfection in a woman but are far from their lowest standard. I've been told by men to not get fat, to gain weight because I'm too thin, to not wear red lipstick because I look like a whore, they are the best I am ever going to get. When I look back on what they looked like then and what they look like now...I can only surmise that they truly hated themselves to say the things they did. These are men who have gone totally bald and the gut on them is beyond what is healthy. Ever hear of "buddha"? Yeah...that is what these men look like. They are men I would not look at twice. I just wouldn't. Why? Because there is zero attraction to me for a man like that. I'm not s...

 Things from my past are slowly coming back to the forefront of my memories.  After SD hit me, I was in a bad place emotionally.  Obviously.  I went from being a happy first-time mom to feeling about 3 centimeters tall.  Getting hit by someone who says they love you will do that to a girl.   You could say I was well on my way to those 50 shades.  I was eventually hired at a place here in town that had a majority of male employees.  I worked in a lumberyard.  Men were everywhere.  Sales desk, contractors and yardmen.   You want to talk about a boost for the self-esteem and ego. This was the place to fix my self-esteem.  By the time I started working here, I did not give one good rats' ass about the SD.   I started working there within a month or 2 of him beating me for the 2nd and last time.  I was in heaven working here.  Men would look at me, compliment me, leave me gifts, send me flowers and give...

 I've been thinking back on who I was in 2001.  I had separated from my husband and moved for a job on the westside of the state.  I was struggling with finding who I was, yet again.  By mid 2002, I had found my stride.  I was happy, I was liking myself again, I was in a great place.  I had dated a man, after moving, who was the one person who brought me out of that low point.  I was wearing clothes WAY too big for my body, I was just working and raising my kids.  One day he came over, looked at what I was wearing and said "Tracey, you have a great body.  You need to wear clothes that show it off".  I looked in the mirror and thought "Ya know..he's right".  So I started wearing cute clothes and absolutely feeling all of myself.  He was the most amazing man I have ever had sexually.  Good heavens but that man knew what he was doing.  Even when I thought we were done and would go to get out of bed, he would look at me, ...

 While doing my makeup this morning, I questioned "God knew that The Monster was not right for me.  I get that but why did He allow TM to abuse me?  Why did he have to get me to see that TM was not the man He created for me by allowing TM to all but destroy me?"  God knew what kind of man TM was/is.   I know we are given freewill by God.  We choose our path without His interference.  What I don't understand is why have abuse direct me out of a bad place?  I wish I understood why the abuse even happened.  I have some thoughts on it.  One being the  most obvious as it's the number one reason all abusers abuse.  He has incredibly low self esteem.    My ex boyfriend was the very same way.  However, he abused all of the women he dated/married. HIs narcissism knows no bounds.   Do I know if TM has abused other women?  No but with how adept he was at abusing me, I'm sure he has.    I don't ...

 My 50 shades of fucked up does not come from just The Monster.  He was just the catalyst to the whole house of cards falling.  He was the last male (can't call him a man because absolutely no decent man would have done what he did) that I have allowed to get close to me.  I've dated a couple of men after I moved out but the "relationships" didn't last long.  How could they when I was broken beyond repair?  I dated a man who did his best to break through my walls and get to the real me.  We had an amazing summer full of concerts, trips to Silverwood, Harry Potter book releases and yes....sex.   Everything was wonderful but when it came to intimacy...I was a stone wall.  I have to give him credit.  He did try and was incredibly patient.  I just couldn't let him in.   The Monster's words had too strong of a hold on me.  I still thought "He's not thinking of me but fantasizing just so he can be with me".  I rem...

Each day that passes, I realize more and more just how much of a monster he was and is.  What brings a man to the point where he gets off on belittling someone to the point of destruction?  He was no prize back then and, from what I've seen of him now...he's definitely not someone I would even look at twice.   Truthfully, I'm too good for him and I think, even back then, I was too good for him and he knew it...hence, the abuse.  Make me feel less than so he can feel superior.   Each morning, as I'm putting on my makeup and getting ready for work, I force myself to see who I truly am.  I force myself to see that I am not what The Monster said, not what friends have said, not what my family has said.  I force myself to not see the doormat that all of them created me to be.  I don't speak to my mother or my brother any longer.   I finally found my strength.  A  friend of My mother, my brother, extended family, friends an...

I'm having to open wounds that haven't totally healed and I'm not enjoying this at all.  I was chatting with my daughter last night about abusive men and The Monster came up.    He dates women who are the very thing he hated me for.  Being unattractive and heavy.  I told my daughter that brings me to only one conclusion...he enjoyed abusing me.  He got off on it.   After I said that she looked at me and said "Mom...it was control for him.  You weren't fat or ugly.  He just needed to control you".  She's right.  As long as he kept me beneath him, he could be superior.    K (my daughter) and I were talking about sex and I told her how The Monster blamed me because he could not get a hard on.  Seriously...he couldn't and said it was because of me and how fat I was.  At 36 years old he could not get hard.  I owned that for a long time but when I was packing up to move and saw his computer history was full o...

Had a good couple of days.   The demon took a mini vacation and I was happy.   Demon came back this morning and I woke up back in my safe space.  Why is the darkest place I can be considered my safe space?  Because I'm used to it.  I know what to expect and I truly feel safe in the dark.   I'm not vulnerable there.   No one can touch me when I'm wrapped up in the darkness.   One tiny step forward but this morning...two giant steps back.   Will I ever find happiness that stays? 😕 

 He truly was a monster.  He enjoyed abusing me.  Did he hit me or physically abuse me?  No.  Did he mentally and emotionally abuse me?  Every single moment that he had the chance.    I hate dredging this stuff back up but if I don't open the wound, expose the damage and let it heal properly, I will never heal from his abuse.  I need to.   I remember the day I found out he was having an online affair with a married woman named Barbie.  It wasn't long after I had a total hysterectomy and I was home while he was at work.  He either stupidly or knowingly left the messaging box minimized on the computer.  I clicked on it and absolutely everything in my life had changed.  Granted, our relationship was not great at that point but he had told me he wanted to work on "us".   When I read the conversation he had with this woman, I knew he was nothing more than a liar.   The conversation started innocuou...

 I was driving home last night thinking about my life the last 18 years and where would I be now if I had not moved back home.  I shudder to think where I would be had I married The Monster    That's my new name for him because only a monster could do what he did without regard to the devastation he left behind.  I think it fits.     In the last 18 years I have: 1. Cruised to Alaska 2. Cruised to Bermuda twice 3. Cruised to Mexico, Belize and Roatan 4. Road trip to South Dakota 5. Long weekend in LA 6. Many trips to Forks for events 7. Many trips to Leavenworth 8. Texas for a girls weekend 9. Las Vegas multiple times  10. Many many trips to California 12. Canada to see a Broadway show 13. Lots of concerts (best being 3rd row for Michael Buble) 14. Multiple girls weekends 15. Bought a house 16. Been at my job, with an amazing boss, for 17 years 17. Have another road trip booked for South Dakota 18. Trip to Orlando to Disney World/Universal Stu...

Once upon a time...I loved hugs Today...do not even think about touching me.  I will pull away. Once upon a time...I loved sex. Today...it's been 15 years since I've had sex and the thought of sex makes me sick to my stomach. Once upon a time...I loved kissing and long make-out sessions. Today...the thought is repulsing and disgusting. Once upon a time...I loved with all I was Today...my heart is closed and love is a 4 letter word Once upon a time...I was a girl who believed in love, sex, kissing, physical touch, the happen ending. Today...I am a woman who is nothing more than a shell, numb to feeling and nauseated at the thought of any kind of intimacy.   I miss that girl but she died many many years ago. 

 

 Majority of people who think about, consider, attempt or succeed with suicide do NOT want to die.  Let me repeat that....they DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!!  What they want is for the pain to stop.  A pain so deep that someone who does not suffer from depression cannot even remotely begin to understand.  If the person who is suffering can't truly understand, how can anyone, who doesn't fight demons every day, start to understand. I won't even begin to lie and say I don't think about suicide.  I think about it every day.  Will I act on those thoughts?  Absolutely not.  I'm severely depressed but I still have a grasp on a small flicker of light.  That is what is keeping me from just letting go and falling.  I don't even know what the light is.  Fear of hell?  Fear of death? Leaving behind my grandson?  Maybe it's a small amount of each.    I just know I won't end my life.  No matter how shitty my life is, how muc...

 How do you battle your demons when you are surrounded by those who brought those demons to life?  Family, friends, ex boyfriend who fathered your child.  I can't escape it.  No matter where I turn, no matter where I look...they are there.   If I decide I've had enough, my life is more important and move to a place where I'm alone...I will be sent on a guilt trip for leaving.    I am desperate to move.  However, my fear of moving is just as strong.   I hate living where I am.  I'm in a place where I cannot be my own person.  I am there for everyone else and fuck how I feel about it.   I am no longer the person I used to be.  I'm weak and I've become a doormat to everyone in my life.   I've cut my mother and her side of the family out of my life.  They have been some of the worst abusers in my life so why keep them around?    None of them know what is happening in my life and I know, ...

I feel like I'm spiraling.  I can't smile and if I do, it is forced.  Nothing brings happiness to my day.  Not even my grandson.  I am just working and going home to shower then bed.  I've lost all desire to do anything that I used to enjoy.   I know what my tipping point was.  I had a contractor come in and they have been repairing my home.  A couple of months later, a leak was found on Christmas day.  It was at that point I lost all hope.  It was on that day when I had a friend tell me "Just take it one day at a time and get a contractor out there!"  How in the fuck do I take things one day at a time when things go to shit for me ONE FUCKING DAY AT A TIME!!!????    Just when I think I am going to have some happiness in my life, I am thrown back into a hole.  I can physically feel the depression taking over.  I had some happiness for a couple of months when my house was finally getting repaired.  It wa...

 It doesn't matter what I do or say...I'm spoken to as if I am beyond stupid and cannot do anything without being told how to do it.   "make sure the clothes are dry before you take them out of the dryer" "You  need to call a contractor to have them look at the leak in your house" "You need to put the dishes in the dishwasher like this" It just goes on an on.     Why was I even born?  People treat me less than so why am I even here?

 

I was a bad mom. I did the best I could but my best, now that I look back, wasn't my best. Why was I a bad mom? Because I did not have a good role model to teach me how to parent. I had a mother who didn't hug me, a mother who took every chance she could to yell at me, to belittle me, to demean me (put lipstick on, you look sick...and I still do this to this day with her voice in my head), she never gave me credit for anything I DID do that was positive, always put me on the backburner, everyone else came first and I was an afterthought or mistake. As a mom...I did almost everything she did. I failed just as she failed. However, I did something that she has never done. I realized that I was not a good mom, I apologized to my children, I own my failures, I am trying to learn from my mistakes. I failed my children when they were growing up. I am going to do my best to not fail them as adults. Sadly...I didn't fall short. I failed. I've chatted with both of my girls and i...

 People are giving up on me.  I can't blame them.  I would give up on myself if I could.  Darkness seems like it just gets worse with each day.  I can't find a way to smile and very few things bring a smile to my face.  I can't even find a smile when I'm with my grandson.   I can tell, when people talk to me, that they are just fed up with me.  I get snarky comments, snarky responses to my questions.  I don't know how to deal with it anymore. 

 I'm tired of pretending. 

 When your own child pulls away when you touch their hand... that is when you know you're not loved, wanted or needed.   When your own family pulls away,  that's when you know you're not loved,  wanted or needed. If I wasn't shut down before...I am now.  

 We've all done it.  Avoided people who are mentally ill.  Some illnesses are frightening and avoidance is understood.  However, depression is not one of those illnesses.  It is a demon that needs exorcised and avoiding someone who battles depression only enables that demon to grow more powerful.  I have seen it in my life and I've watched the demon grow more powerful than I am.   My demon controls me.  It controls every aspect of who I am.   When the light starts to grow more powerful than the dark...I allow the demon to douse the light.  Why?  Because the darkness is more comfortable.  It's what I know and all I have known for the majority of my life.  It's my safe place.   Happiness terrifies me.  Not having thoughts of suicide on a daily basis is foreign to me.  Will I commit suicide?  No.  I'm even terrified of dying. I'm not going to do anything rash.  I'm just not. ...

 I've been told to go see a counselor for my 50 shades.  If I had never seen a counselor in my past, I would have agreed with that suggestion.  The counselors I've seen before have been nothing short of ridiculous.  I actually had one counselor tell me, after I spoke to her about being physically beaten by a man, to just say "I'm done" and walk away.   That's it.  That's all of the help she gave me.  "I'm done".  Yup...that cured a lifetime of hurt.    I trust counselors as much as I trust drinking Flint water.   I've taken medication.  Lots of medication  It only exacerbated the situation.  I feel like I'm a lost cause.  Nothing helps me.  No one wants to help me.  My family has all but written me off.  I've given up on friends.  I've tried asking friends to do things with me and it's always "well...".  I don't ask anymore.  Just to even ask someone to spend time with me i...