Update:
Vampire says that I have hyperthyroidism. I knew this. I was born with 1/2 of a thyroid. Freaked my endocrinologist out when he first saw my scans. He said he had never seen that before. So see? I'm special and unique. My doctor told me so. ;)
Was doing some musing today and I thought about my childhood. How my mother was not a warm fuzzy mother. No hugs, no "I love you's", no feeling loved by her. I always felt I was a mistake to her. When she told me that she left me alone after I took a bottle of pills when I was 17, I knew in my soul, that I was never truly wanted by her. Honestly, I believe she did not want a daughter at all but adopted me to make my dad happy. They adopted my brother 4 years after me and he was the apple of her eye and always has been. I was the "trouble child".
She would always say "Tracey is so moody". Now that I think back on it, yes I was but I was battling demons that I did not know how to control. I fought depression. I fought a mental illness. She saw it as a choice. The simple fact that I wanted to die as a teenager tells me more than I wanted to ever know. It let me know that for my whole life, I was truly not wanted by my mother. That's tough to wrap my mind around. To know that she set me up for failure is almost more than I can grasp.
I've been on my meds for almost 2 months and I can say, without hesitation, I see things a lot clearer now. I see that I have wasted 18 years on the demons from The Monster. I do regret that I did not get help sooner. I wonder where my life would be if I had. All of those "what if's" could send a person into the loony bin. There is a part of me that wants to write to him and say I forgive him for all of the damage he caused but I know it won't mean anything to him. He's a narcissist. He would turn it into "she's crazy, she still wants me, she won't let me go, she's holding onto me" bullshit and all of that is FAR from being truth. He is a man I would never look at twice. I was talking to my ex husband the other day about The Monster and my ex said something that was truth. He said The Monster was my rebound from our marriage. It never really dawned on me but my ex was right. I would have never gotten involved with him if I hadn't been rebounding from my marriage. He was and is far from what I desire in a man.
I can safely say that being on medication for my depression is the best thing I have done in almost 20 years. I can think clearly. I can see things for as they are instead of through blinders of depression. My life is turning around and I'm on the right road to becoming healthy. I see this as nothing short of a miracle and I'm embracing it.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...