Life as I know it...

 How does a person accept the truth that they were not wanted?  How can you wrap your mind around that and still be okay living your life?  Knowing my biological parents didn't want me and finding out my biological father flat out told the incubator "Get rid of it" isn't the greatest feeling.  Then to find out my adoptive parents left me alone after I took a bunch of pills is more than my mind can accept.  Both sets of parents threw me away.  I truly do not know how to come to grips with that information.  It makes sense why I cannot love or accept love.  I was never shown love as a child.   I was a throw-away. I know, with all that I am, how I was treated as a child, is why I am drawn to abusive men.  I was taught to believe that is all I deserve.  After my relationship with D, I dated a bit and each man was controlling.  I decided to not date once I realized I am tired of being abused.  Only one man wasn't abusive b...

 There are days I enjoy living my life.  There are days I thoroughly hate it.  Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown.  Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying.   Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope.   Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship.  Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again.  I've been told she has been married 4...

  Twenty years ago, I was a mess. I was belittled and demeaned to the point where I hated myself and would have done anything to hurt those who hurt me. From family to friends to men. I lashed out, created more drama than was necessary and didn't care who I hurt. As long as they were hurt before they hurt me, I justified my words and actions. If someone DID hurt me? God help them. I held nothing back. I'm not proud of who I was. I am ashamed of who I was. I did things I should have never done, and I cannot take any of it back no matter how desperately I wish I could. Today, in 2023, I am someone completely different than who that woman was in 2004. I'm not the unmedicated mentally ill person anymore. I'm getting healthy not only mentally but physically. I'm more successful than I was told I would ever be. I'm not the loser bitch that I was told I was. I'm a good person with an "I have gone through hell" history. I am a woman who struggles with ea...