How does a person accept the truth that they were not wanted? How can you wrap your mind around that and still be okay living your life? Knowing my biological parents didn't want me and finding out my biological father flat out told the incubator "Get rid of it" isn't the greatest feeling. Then to find out my adoptive parents left me alone after I took a bunch of pills is more than my mind can accept. Both sets of parents threw me away. I truly do not know how to come to grips with that information. It makes sense why I cannot love or accept love. I was never shown love as a child. I was a throw-away.
I know, with all that I am, how I was treated as a child, is why I am drawn to abusive men. I was taught to believe that is all I deserve. After my relationship with D, I dated a bit and each man was controlling. I decided to not date once I realized I am tired of being abused. Only one man wasn't abusive but I was too messed up mentally, the relationship didn't continue. However, he is still a very good friend of mine. I'm tired of being abused. I've had a lifetime of it. Mental, emotional, physical, sexual. I've had it all. Did I deserve any of it? Most people would say no, I didn't. My head and heart say I did. Why do I believe I deserved it? Because I'm not worth loving. My parents let me know, under no uncertain terms, I was a waste of human cells. I know, without a doubt, I will die alone. I just hope my cat doesn't eat me before my body is found.
Well I got a couple more hours of sleep. I have the best kids. They let me sleep and didn't wake me up until my cell started ringing. We went out and about today. K wanted to try Bubble Tea so I obliged her. Mistake. It is not good by any stretch of the imagination. If you don't know what Bubble Tea is....g00gle it. Once you find out...don't try it. *shudder* An expensive taste test. There is a storm heading our way. Would you believe it's supposed to snow tonight??? Snow on Easter. How odd would that be? Speaking of Easter...my girls are watching TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network) and watching a childs version of The Passion. Even watching the crucifixtion of Christ as a cartoon it still brings tears to my eyes. I am so unworthy of what He went through for me. Well not just me but all of mankind. I saw The Passion last year and that is when I realized I needed to turn my life around. I was making a serious mess of things so I gave it all back to God. My life has had it...