How does a person accept the truth that they were not wanted? How can you wrap your mind around that and still be okay living your life? Knowing my biological parents didn't want me and finding out my biological father flat out told the incubator "Get rid of it" isn't the greatest feeling. Then to find out my adoptive parents left me alone after I took a bunch of pills is more than my mind can accept. Both sets of parents threw me away. I truly do not know how to come to grips with that information. It makes sense why I cannot love or accept love. I was never shown love as a child. I was a throw-away.
I know, with all that I am, how I was treated as a child, is why I am drawn to abusive men. I was taught to believe that is all I deserve. After my relationship with D, I dated a bit and each man was controlling. I decided to not date once I realized I am tired of being abused. Only one man wasn't abusive but I was too messed up mentally, the relationship didn't continue. However, he is still a very good friend of mine. I'm tired of being abused. I've had a lifetime of it. Mental, emotional, physical, sexual. I've had it all. Did I deserve any of it? Most people would say no, I didn't. My head and heart say I did. Why do I believe I deserved it? Because I'm not worth loving. My parents let me know, under no uncertain terms, I was a waste of human cells. I know, without a doubt, I will die alone. I just hope my cat doesn't eat me before my body is found.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...