Each day that passes is a day I see my life, past and present, a bit clearer. I see who I am and who I've always been. I grew up in a house where love wasn't something we said or showed. I realize now, I wasn't taught how to love. I had a brother who was very verbally abusive towards me and a mom who just didn't seem to care. Her focus was on my brother. My dad was quiet and didn't say a whole lot of anything. My parents were raised in homes that didn't show or say love so they carried that into the raising of their kids. My brother is the same way. I looked at a photo of my mom today and I felt like I was looking at a stranger. I always wanted a mom and I would do everything I could to make my mom into that person. She just isn't and I can see that no matter how much I sugar-coat who she is and what she did to me, the reality of it is that she didn't want me. She made that very clear 3 years ago. It's trying to grasp that I was truly unwanted by the one person who was supposed to love me, protect me and always be there for me. I wasn't rejected by one mother but two. Not easy to accept that but I'm getting there. One day at a time.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...