Each day that passes is a day I see my life, past and present, a bit clearer. I see who I am and who I've always been. I grew up in a house where love wasn't something we said or showed. I realize now, I wasn't taught how to love. I had a brother who was very verbally abusive towards me and a mom who just didn't seem to care. Her focus was on my brother. My dad was quiet and didn't say a whole lot of anything. My parents were raised in homes that didn't show or say love so they carried that into the raising of their kids. My brother is the same way. I looked at a photo of my mom today and I felt like I was looking at a stranger. I always wanted a mom and I would do everything I could to make my mom into that person. She just isn't and I can see that no matter how much I sugar-coat who she is and what she did to me, the reality of it is that she didn't want me. She made that very clear 3 years ago. It's trying to grasp that I was truly unwanted by the one person who was supposed to love me, protect me and always be there for me. I wasn't rejected by one mother but two. Not easy to accept that but I'm getting there. One day at a time.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...