Life as I know it...

 They say they understand.  They say they know you have troubles that you need to work through based upon your history.  What they don't tell you is they are lying.  They don't understand.  They use your troubles against you.  They call your mental illness 'I'm tired of dealing with their shit' and mock you.   There comes a point where trusting is no longer an option.  There comes a point when letting anyone close is out of the question.   That happened on Monday.   I didn't expect much from a couple of friends who are no longer friends.  I knew I would pretty much be a "Drama Queen" in their minds.  I always have been.  Didn't expect less from them.  I have major issues from my history.  I won't lie about that.  In the words of Christian Grey "I'm fifty shades of fucked up".  It seems very few truly grasp that and think "it can't be as bad as she is saying".  Yes...yes it is.  ...

 Finding out my parents knew I overdosed at the age of 17 and they did nothing to save me or get help for me has told me precisely just what my life is worth.  Nothing.  It's worth nothing.   Having a daughter who gaslights me whenever I blow up after being used as a doormat for months has told me precisely what my life is worth.  Nothing.  It's worth nothing.  When my daughter has medical issues and she only called because she had to told me precisely what my life is worth.  Nothing.  It's worth nothing.  What is saving my life right now?  A life insurance policy with a suicide clause.  Why?  Because my life is  worth $50,000.  Why wait?  Because I won't stick my family with my debt.   They may think very little of me and have no use for me but at the least they won't be burdened with a monetary issue at my death.   December 1, 2021.  The day my life can change and the countdow...

After all this time I realized something...it wasn't me.  It was all him.  I cannot prove what I finally believe but maybe one day he will be honest with himself.  I truly believe that he is gay.  It all adds up.  Not only to me but to my family.   Things I won't get into because there is no sense rehashing that crap over and over.  Everything makes perfect sense now.  The struggle lies within him and his demons.  He won't accept his truth no matter who he hurts.  Yes, he did hurt me and he did so maliciously and with cruel intent however, if he had only been honest with himself, so many people would have been spared.  I pray one day he can be who he is and stop with the games and hurt.    It's 2020...there shouldn't be shame in coming out.  Be who you are and find your peace.  Only then can you truly live your life. Until then?  Your life is nothing more than a lie.

Is for God to take you home.