They say they understand. They say they know you have troubles that you need to work through based upon your history. What they don't tell you is they are lying. They don't understand. They use your troubles against you. They call your mental illness 'I'm tired of dealing with their shit' and mock you. There comes a point where trusting is no longer an option. There comes a point when letting anyone close is out of the question. That happened on Monday. I didn't expect much from a couple of friends who are no longer friends. I knew I would pretty much be a "Drama Queen" in their minds. I always have been. Didn't expect less from them.
I have major issues from my history. I won't lie about that. In the words of Christian Grey "I'm fifty shades of fucked up". It seems very few truly grasp that and think "it can't be as bad as she is saying". Yes...yes it is. Will I ever be who I used to be before the abuse, the rape and the vile thing my parents did? No, I won't. Can I work through it? I hope I can. I truly hope I can. Until that day...I take one moment at a time and focus on something other than the pain and the demons in my head. It is the best i can do.
As for close friends? Never again. People may know my struggles but no one will get close enough to me to belittle and mock my struggles. Period.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...