They say they understand. They say they know you have troubles that you need to work through based upon your history. What they don't tell you is they are lying. They don't understand. They use your troubles against you. They call your mental illness 'I'm tired of dealing with their shit' and mock you. There comes a point where trusting is no longer an option. There comes a point when letting anyone close is out of the question. That happened on Monday. I didn't expect much from a couple of friends who are no longer friends. I knew I would pretty much be a "Drama Queen" in their minds. I always have been. Didn't expect less from them.
I have major issues from my history. I won't lie about that. In the words of Christian Grey "I'm fifty shades of fucked up". It seems very few truly grasp that and think "it can't be as bad as she is saying". Yes...yes it is. Will I ever be who I used to be before the abuse, the rape and the vile thing my parents did? No, I won't. Can I work through it? I hope I can. I truly hope I can. Until that day...I take one moment at a time and focus on something other than the pain and the demons in my head. It is the best i can do.
As for close friends? Never again. People may know my struggles but no one will get close enough to me to belittle and mock my struggles. Period.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...