Life as I know it...

It's getting to me. I just can't deal with the lump that reminds me of it's presence everyday. Yes, it's the original one from a couple of years ago but it has grown. At my last appointment my doctor found a second lump in the same breast. He and I had discussed prophylactic surgery at that point. A surgery I have thought long and hard about. It is one I want to proceed with. I'm sure you are saying "what is prophylactic surgery?". Here is a link to provide you with that information. The only thing I have to do before he will do the surgery is get an MRI. It has been 5 months since we had that conversation and I have yet to do the MRI. Before anyone starts yelling at me and chewing me out...let me say that I don't have health insurance nor was I working fulltime. I cancelled the appointment and promptly tried to put it out of my mind. It has been lately that it's reared it's ugly head within my thoughts. I made a phone call today...

Sometimes life is just not nice. Just when I think that all is well within my world...I get a heavy does of reality and reminded of just how fricking small this town is. On August 16th I'm going to a community fund raiser called "A case of the blues and all that jazz". It's a huge event that has been taking place since 1993. I was talked into going by Margaret *glaring at her with little eyes...*. She hates seeing me sitting home alone and becoming a hermit. I love her for that but...this is one event I'm just not wanting to go to now. You see...while I was all excited about going I just found out that the backstabbing, two-faced bitch who "was" my friend for 26 years is going to be there. Lovely. Now to figure out just what to do. Do I show up to an event where there is a lot of alcohol and chance it or do I just give Margaret the $40 for the ticket and keep my butt at home...avoiding any and all drama that could happen? Ya know...none of this...

This was a weekend I'm thankful has passed. It wasn't a "OMG!!! That was the worst weekend ever!!!" type of thing. There was just some drama that could have been avoided and me not feeling at the top of my game. I'm not going to get into how I'm feeling because...well to be honest...I'm really not sure about it. It's a health thing so please don't think I'm stressing over a relationship or other such nonsense. That statement leads me to this... I was watching PS I Love You this weekend for about the millionth time. Yes...it has Gerard in it and we all know how much I love that man but I digress. I was really watching the movie. Not for the entertainment value but for the analytical value. Sabrina...stop rolling your eyes. LOL I was thinking about Holly and how she lost a man she loved with her entire being. Even though they argued and fought, he was her life. Her world. In an instant he was gone. She was left alone. It made me ...

Wow!!! It's amazing how a friend can see you so clearly even though they don't see you on a daily basis. Maybe that is why they can see who you truly are. I just received a voicemail from Margaret. A voicemail that gave me that "OMG!!! She is right!!!" moment. Her last words were "I don't want you to feel abandoned, rejected, betrayed or anymore of that kind of stuff you have had your whole life." Damn. She can say that to me because she has known me 26 years. she has seen all of it. When clarity hits...it really does and not in a soft whisper kind of way. Talk about a wrecking ball sort of feeling. Like I've been socked in the stomach. There are people in my life who I cling to their friendships like a child clings to it's mother in unfamiliar surroundings. With all that I am I hold onto them. I need them. I'm lost without their constant contact. Not on a daily basis. I'm not that needy. Sabrina is one friend that if I don't hear fro...

*sigh* The day is over. I was told things today that boggled my mind and told things that warmed my heart. The situation with the "friend" went from bad to me realizing what a bitch she truly is. I believe that she has always been a complete bitch but I was never privvy to it. She told me that people do not behave the way I have. Here is what I told her that warranted her statement... "Friend", You are right...there is no interest in drama and it is ridiculous. Only I'm the one that should have said it first but I am the type of person who wants answers and does not run away from problems. I will respect your decision to end the friendship in this way. A way that you said would NEVER happen but sadly it has. It is through your own actions that has caused this chain of events. I know that I did nothing to create this situation. All I did was trust you and respect our friendship. Those two precious things are now gone. The trust and respect. I...

Today has started out on not so great of a note. Since the situation I mentioned yesterday...I have not heard one word from my so called friend. I'm going to use that term very loosely about this woman from now on. She sent me this on Monday at 2:11pm... "I hate this... Friday night he asked for my number. We talked the next day for awhile. That night I was out with my brother and friends and ran into him and his friend. We all hung out and we just seem to have a good time together. It seems there is quite an attraction building. He kissed me. I liked it. I am a horrible friend." That was the last I have heard from her. Today is Wednesday. I had some things in my house that belonged to her. I did not want to be accused of stealing so I packed them into the car to take to her at work. She owns a "doggy daycare" and is always out in the front office. When I showed up...she hid in the back. Well that was just mature of her. I was ticked. I sent her a text saying th...

It amazes me. Seriously. I am amazed at the lack of commitment from people in regards to relationships. I'm not talking romantic relationships. I'm talking about friendships. There are long term friendships and there are short term friendships. It's not so much the short term ones that have me boggled. There isn't a lot of time or emotions invested in short term friendships so they don't hurt too much when they end. It is those long term friendships that come to an end that has me reeling. Yes...that very thing happened to me yesterday in the blink of reading a short email. A friend of 26 years broke the cardinal rule that friends do not EVER do. She knew I was interested in a guy and what do you think she did? You guessed it...went after him like a dog in heat. Is she kidding??? This is a woman who knew I was interested in him before I even knew it. This is a woman who said that she would never hurt me by going after a guy I was interested in and there is no way a ...