Wow!!! It's amazing how a friend can see you so clearly even though they don't see you on a daily basis. Maybe that is why they can see who you truly are. I just received a voicemail from Margaret. A voicemail that gave me that "OMG!!! She is right!!!" moment. Her last words were "I don't want you to feel abandoned, rejected, betrayed or anymore of that kind of stuff you have had your whole life." Damn. She can say that to me because she has known me 26 years. she has seen all of it. When clarity hits...it really does and not in a soft whisper kind of way. Talk about a wrecking ball sort of feeling. Like I've been socked in the stomach.
There are people in my life who I cling to their friendships like a child clings to it's mother in unfamiliar surroundings. With all that I am I hold onto them. I need them. I'm lost without their constant contact. Not on a daily basis. I'm not that needy. Sabrina is one friend that if I don't hear from a couple of times a week...I get a little jittery and wonder if she is ok. Margaret is the one person I know who will come to town and refuse to let me sit in my house and become a recluse. She is persistent and wears me down. She won't give up until I say "OK...!!!" I love her for that. There is a new friend in my life that I have come to rely heavily upon for the communication I so desperately need. Natalie. There is an age difference but to be honest...I can't see it. She has been through so much in life and we have experienced a lot of the same things. I need her in my life. I got an email from Angie yesterday saying "Where have you been? I haven't heard from you?". I felt so bad when I read that. She is right. We were always talking on the phone and emailing and then I disappeared. I don't even know why I disappeared. I called her today and to hear her voice again put me at ease.
Margaret's words made me realize...I have been through every last one of those things in my life...starting at birth. I was abandoned and rejected by my very own mother upon my birth. Why do I feel that is the basis for all of this? Is there truly something wrong with me that causes people to want to betray, reject and abandon me? Do I hold on too tightly only to push people away? Do I get too much within myself that people don't want to be around me? Is this the reason why I won't allow myself to get close to a man and fall in love again? These are tough questions and not ones that will have answers right away. I wonder...will I ever find the answers?
I was talking to a friend of mine today and again...the lightbulb went off. Everything happens for a reason...right? I kept thinking...what the hell is the reason for this??? It is what Margaret said in her voicemail that brought me to the reason. To get me to stop and think about why people hurt me the way they do. To figure out just what it is I need to fix about myself so I am not treated as if I am sub-human or a doormat. The people who have betrayed me have been people who do not think or believe I should stand up for myself and I should accept whatever treatment they give me. When I stand up for myself...they do not like it. Why do I choose "friends" who are like that? That is something I need to figure out. So...you see? Everything happens for a reason. I may have lost a lifetime friendship but...I am finding me and that is more important than anything else. :)
There are people in my life who I cling to their friendships like a child clings to it's mother in unfamiliar surroundings. With all that I am I hold onto them. I need them. I'm lost without their constant contact. Not on a daily basis. I'm not that needy. Sabrina is one friend that if I don't hear from a couple of times a week...I get a little jittery and wonder if she is ok. Margaret is the one person I know who will come to town and refuse to let me sit in my house and become a recluse. She is persistent and wears me down. She won't give up until I say "OK...!!!" I love her for that. There is a new friend in my life that I have come to rely heavily upon for the communication I so desperately need. Natalie. There is an age difference but to be honest...I can't see it. She has been through so much in life and we have experienced a lot of the same things. I need her in my life. I got an email from Angie yesterday saying "Where have you been? I haven't heard from you?". I felt so bad when I read that. She is right. We were always talking on the phone and emailing and then I disappeared. I don't even know why I disappeared. I called her today and to hear her voice again put me at ease.
Margaret's words made me realize...I have been through every last one of those things in my life...starting at birth. I was abandoned and rejected by my very own mother upon my birth. Why do I feel that is the basis for all of this? Is there truly something wrong with me that causes people to want to betray, reject and abandon me? Do I hold on too tightly only to push people away? Do I get too much within myself that people don't want to be around me? Is this the reason why I won't allow myself to get close to a man and fall in love again? These are tough questions and not ones that will have answers right away. I wonder...will I ever find the answers?
I was talking to a friend of mine today and again...the lightbulb went off. Everything happens for a reason...right? I kept thinking...what the hell is the reason for this??? It is what Margaret said in her voicemail that brought me to the reason. To get me to stop and think about why people hurt me the way they do. To figure out just what it is I need to fix about myself so I am not treated as if I am sub-human or a doormat. The people who have betrayed me have been people who do not think or believe I should stand up for myself and I should accept whatever treatment they give me. When I stand up for myself...they do not like it. Why do I choose "friends" who are like that? That is something I need to figure out. So...you see? Everything happens for a reason. I may have lost a lifetime friendship but...I am finding me and that is more important than anything else. :)