Had my blood drawn the other day. Dr wants to see what is causing my memory loss. She does think that part of it is my depression, which I will agree with but...these headaches are constant and every single day. Forgetting things that I should not forget is frightening. She did run a test on me the last time I saw her and I am right on the border of mild cognitive memory loss. That was not comforting. I see her again next week and I truly hope we can figure out what is going on because this is becoming frightening.
As for the meds...I'm finally past the jittery and nausea garbage. Still can't eat much but that saves on groceries right? I was driving to work today and was thinking "Why did I throw away almost 20 years of my life and not take the meds I knew worked for me? Why did I give 20 years of my life to hating The Monster for what he did to me? Why wasn't I strong enough to say 'fuck you asshole' and live my life?" I can't keep thinking that way or it will drive me mad and it will keep The Monster front and center of my life. He is his own trouble and I'm not going to own his abuse. I have seen a photo of his current flame of the week and it solidified his abuse towards me. She is what he told me I was. I can't say she is unattractive. She isn't unfortunate looking but she is heavy. By heavy, she is heavier than I was when I was with him. That just tells me and confirms that he got off on abusing me and me alone. Does he abuse her? Don't know and don't care. That's her demon and cross to bear. I just know, even though I'm still trying to convince myself which is a daily thing, that I am NOT heavy, I am NOT unattractive, I am NOT a bad person. Will I ever date again? Part of me hopes I do. For now...I am on a path to find out who I am and become the person I was before The Monster destroyed me. It will happen one day. I know it will.
