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Touch

 When your own child pulls away when you touch their hand... that is when you know you're not loved, wanted or needed.  

When your own family pulls away,  that's when you know you're not loved,  wanted or needed.

If I wasn't shut down before...I am now.  

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Too much...

 There are days I enjoy living my life.  There are days I thoroughly hate it.  Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown.  Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying.   Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope.   Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship.  Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again.  I've been told she has been married 4...
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2004 - 2023

  Twenty years ago, I was a mess. I was belittled and demeaned to the point where I hated myself and would have done anything to hurt those who hurt me. From family to friends to men. I lashed out, created more drama than was necessary and didn't care who I hurt. As long as they were hurt before they hurt me, I justified my words and actions. If someone DID hurt me? God help them. I held nothing back. I'm not proud of who I was. I am ashamed of who I was. I did things I should have never done, and I cannot take any of it back no matter how desperately I wish I could. Today, in 2023, I am someone completely different than who that woman was in 2004. I'm not the unmedicated mentally ill person anymore. I'm getting healthy not only mentally but physically. I'm more successful than I was told I would ever be. I'm not the loser bitch that I was told I was. I'm a good person with an "I have gone through hell" history. I am a woman who struggles with ea...
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day by day

 Each day that passes is a day I see my life, past and present, a bit clearer.  I see who I am and who I've always been.  I grew up in a house where love wasn't something we said or showed.  I realize now, I wasn't taught how to love.  I had a brother who was very verbally abusive towards me and a mom who just didn't seem to care.  Her focus was on my brother.  My dad was quiet and didn't say a whole lot of anything.  My parents were raised in homes that didn't show or say love so they carried that into the raising of their kids.  My brother is the same way.    I looked at a photo of my mom today and I felt like I was looking at a stranger.  I always wanted a mom and I would do everything I could to make my mom into that person.  She just isn't and I can see that no matter how much I sugar-coat who she is and what she did to me, the reality of it is that she didn't want me.  She made that very clear 3 years ago. ...
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