I was a bad mom. I did
the best I could but my best, now that I look back, wasn't my best. Why was I a
bad mom? Because I did not have a good role model to teach me how to parent. I
had a mother who didn't hug me, a mother who took every chance she could to
yell at me, to belittle me, to demean me (put lipstick on, you look sick...and
I still do this to this day with her voice in my head), she never gave me
credit for anything I DID do that was positive, always put me on the
backburner, everyone else came first and I was an afterthought or mistake. As a
mom...I did almost everything she did. I failed just as she failed. However, I
did something that she has never done. I realized that I was not a good mom, I
apologized to my children,
I own my failures, I am trying to learn from my
mistakes. I failed my children when they were growing up. I am going to do my
best to not fail them as adults. Sadly...I didn't fall short. I failed. I've chatted
with both of my girls and it was a tough conversation hearing where I missed
the mark as their mom. Seeing that I did what my own mother did. Realizing that
I was not a good mom to my children has been difficult to own up to. My oldest
told me "Mom...you don't know what you don't know. You can't do better if
you don't know better" I wasn't taught to parent. My kids did not have a
great childhood and having to own that is one of the toughest crosses I have to
bear. My kids have forgiven me. Now I have to forgive myself.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...