I was a bad mom. I did
the best I could but my best, now that I look back, wasn't my best. Why was I a
bad mom? Because I did not have a good role model to teach me how to parent. I
had a mother who didn't hug me, a mother who took every chance she could to
yell at me, to belittle me, to demean me (put lipstick on, you look sick...and
I still do this to this day with her voice in my head), she never gave me
credit for anything I DID do that was positive, always put me on the
backburner, everyone else came first and I was an afterthought or mistake. As a
mom...I did almost everything she did. I failed just as she failed. However, I
did something that she has never done. I realized that I was not a good mom, I
apologized to my children,
I own my failures, I am trying to learn from my
mistakes. I failed my children when they were growing up. I am going to do my
best to not fail them as adults. Sadly...I didn't fall short. I failed. I've chatted
with both of my girls and it was a tough conversation hearing where I missed
the mark as their mom. Seeing that I did what my own mother did. Realizing that
I was not a good mom to my children has been difficult to own up to. My oldest
told me "Mom...you don't know what you don't know. You can't do better if
you don't know better" I wasn't taught to parent. My kids did not have a
great childhood and having to own that is one of the toughest crosses I have to
bear. My kids have forgiven me. Now I have to forgive myself.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...