My 50 shades of fucked up does not come from just The Monster. He was just the catalyst to the whole house of cards falling. He was the last male (can't call him a man because absolutely no decent man would have done what he did) that I have allowed to get close to me. I've dated a couple of men after I moved out but the "relationships" didn't last long. How could they when I was broken beyond repair? I dated a man who did his best to break through my walls and get to the real me. We had an amazing summer full of concerts, trips to Silverwood, Harry Potter book releases and yes....sex. Everything was wonderful but when it came to intimacy...I was a stone wall. I have to give him credit. He did try and was incredibly patient. I just couldn't let him in. The Monster's words had too strong of a hold on me. I still thought "He's not thinking of me but fantasizing just so he can be with me". I remember one weekend, while visiting him, I walked up behind him and put my arms around him. The shocked look on his face told me everything that I was. For him to be surprised at me showing warmth and getting physical almost broke my heart. Our relationship did die but not because of just me. His ex wife had a lot to do with it. When the ex says "stop dating her or you won't see your kids again"...he chose to stop dating me. I don't blame him. Too much drama from not only my stone wall but the psycho ex.
I wish I could say that being physical has changed over the years but it hasn't. If anything, it's gotten worse. I absolutely loathe being touched. The only human touch I can tolerate is hugs and cuddles from my grandson. He's three years old and the one bit of joy in my life that reminds me that I can have a bit of happiness. I can say, in the last 18 years, I've been intimate with 3 men. Each man I pushed away and the relationships ended. I'm not bitter about them ending. I just couldn't commit to giving them what they needed. I was always waiting for the last shoe to drop and they would turn into The Monster. I was waiting for the words "You're too heavy, too thin, unattractive, biggest bitch I know, worthless....". I could not see me as they did. All I saw with each man was someone who would turn into The Monster. I remember a conversation I had with The Monster that should have clued me in. When we first started dating he was damned near perfect with courting. The romance, the attention, the well thought out gifts. All of it was there. It's what got my attention. When I moved in with him? It all stopped. I asked him why. His response? "That's not who I am. I only did it to get your attention and you". What in the actual hell???? So basically...he lied to me. He lied to me so many times that I associate all men with lying to me to get what they want.
I've thought about these wounds that I'm ripping open and something has happened that I wasn't expecting. Some of my demons are dying. I'm slowing finding healing. A friend and I were talking yesterday and she said "You need to get back to you". I thought about that and realized, I don't know who I am. This blog is helping me find out.
