Majority of people who think about, consider, attempt or succeed with suicide do NOT want to die. Let me repeat that....they DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!! What they want is for the pain to stop. A pain so deep that someone who does not suffer from depression cannot even remotely begin to understand. If the person who is suffering can't truly understand, how can anyone, who doesn't fight demons every day, start to understand.
I won't even begin to lie and say I don't think about suicide. I think about it every day. Will I act on those thoughts? Absolutely not. I'm severely depressed but I still have a grasp on a small flicker of light. That is what is keeping me from just letting go and falling. I don't even know what the light is. Fear of hell? Fear of death? Leaving behind my grandson? Maybe it's a small amount of each. I just know I won't end my life. No matter how shitty my life is, how much I hate myself, how much pain I cover up, how hurt I am...I won't end it. If I were, would I be writing about it here? Highly doubtful. I have no desire to have the cops called on me again for a well check that wasn't even remotely needed.
People who consider suicide don't want to die. They want to be normal. They want to laugh. They want to live their lives. They want to love and be loved. They don't want to battle demons all day, every day. It's exhausting. It's not a way to live when we are only given one life.
There are high functioning people who battle the demons. They can get up in the morning, go to work, put in a full day but when they go home...they allow the darkness to wrap them up in what can only be thought of as a sick sense of comfort. A place where no one can hurt them. A place where they can rest. A place where they aren't judged. Their demons accept them and comfort them. To a normal person...that's a twisted way to think and be. To the depressed? It's their peace. It's their safe-space.
Depression isn't someone seeking attention and creating drama. Depression is someone who has been abused, unloved and unwanted for a very long time. Depression is someone who has been bullied. Depression is someone who cannot see the good within themselves. I don't expect anyone to understand where I am and why I feel the way I do. If depression is even a feeling. I believe depression is more of a sense of being. It's a mental illness and it's one of those things where people will avoid you if you have it. What they need is the very things people avoid giving. Acceptance, compassion, empathy, no judgement, no lectures and knowing that no one, absolutely no one will give up on them. Finding those people? Well that's like finding a needle in a haystack.
Well I got a couple more hours of sleep. I have the best kids. They let me sleep and didn't wake me up until my cell started ringing. We went out and about today. K wanted to try Bubble Tea so I obliged her. Mistake. It is not good by any stretch of the imagination. If you don't know what Bubble Tea is....g00gle it. Once you find out...don't try it. *shudder* An expensive taste test. There is a storm heading our way. Would you believe it's supposed to snow tonight??? Snow on Easter. How odd would that be? Speaking of Easter...my girls are watching TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network) and watching a childs version of The Passion. Even watching the crucifixtion of Christ as a cartoon it still brings tears to my eyes. I am so unworthy of what He went through for me. Well not just me but all of mankind. I saw The Passion last year and that is when I realized I needed to turn my life around. I was making a serious mess of things so I gave it all back to God. My life has had it...