Majority of people who think about, consider, attempt or succeed with suicide do NOT want to die. Let me repeat that....they DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!! What they want is for the pain to stop. A pain so deep that someone who does not suffer from depression cannot even remotely begin to understand. If the person who is suffering can't truly understand, how can anyone, who doesn't fight demons every day, start to understand.
I won't even begin to lie and say I don't think about suicide. I think about it every day. Will I act on those thoughts? Absolutely not. I'm severely depressed but I still have a grasp on a small flicker of light. That is what is keeping me from just letting go and falling. I don't even know what the light is. Fear of hell? Fear of death? Leaving behind my grandson? Maybe it's a small amount of each. I just know I won't end my life. No matter how shitty my life is, how much I hate myself, how much pain I cover up, how hurt I am...I won't end it. If I were, would I be writing about it here? Highly doubtful. I have no desire to have the cops called on me again for a well check that wasn't even remotely needed.
People who consider suicide don't want to die. They want to be normal. They want to laugh. They want to live their lives. They want to love and be loved. They don't want to battle demons all day, every day. It's exhausting. It's not a way to live when we are only given one life.
There are high functioning people who battle the demons. They can get up in the morning, go to work, put in a full day but when they go home...they allow the darkness to wrap them up in what can only be thought of as a sick sense of comfort. A place where no one can hurt them. A place where they can rest. A place where they aren't judged. Their demons accept them and comfort them. To a normal person...that's a twisted way to think and be. To the depressed? It's their peace. It's their safe-space.
Depression isn't someone seeking attention and creating drama. Depression is someone who has been abused, unloved and unwanted for a very long time. Depression is someone who has been bullied. Depression is someone who cannot see the good within themselves. I don't expect anyone to understand where I am and why I feel the way I do. If depression is even a feeling. I believe depression is more of a sense of being. It's a mental illness and it's one of those things where people will avoid you if you have it. What they need is the very things people avoid giving. Acceptance, compassion, empathy, no judgement, no lectures and knowing that no one, absolutely no one will give up on them. Finding those people? Well that's like finding a needle in a haystack.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...