Majority of people who think about, consider, attempt or succeed with suicide do NOT want to die. Let me repeat that....they DO NOT WANT TO DIE!!! What they want is for the pain to stop. A pain so deep that someone who does not suffer from depression cannot even remotely begin to understand. If the person who is suffering can't truly understand, how can anyone, who doesn't fight demons every day, start to understand.
I won't even begin to lie and say I don't think about suicide. I think about it every day. Will I act on those thoughts? Absolutely not. I'm severely depressed but I still have a grasp on a small flicker of light. That is what is keeping me from just letting go and falling. I don't even know what the light is. Fear of hell? Fear of death? Leaving behind my grandson? Maybe it's a small amount of each. I just know I won't end my life. No matter how shitty my life is, how much I hate myself, how much pain I cover up, how hurt I am...I won't end it. If I were, would I be writing about it here? Highly doubtful. I have no desire to have the cops called on me again for a well check that wasn't even remotely needed.
People who consider suicide don't want to die. They want to be normal. They want to laugh. They want to live their lives. They want to love and be loved. They don't want to battle demons all day, every day. It's exhausting. It's not a way to live when we are only given one life.
There are high functioning people who battle the demons. They can get up in the morning, go to work, put in a full day but when they go home...they allow the darkness to wrap them up in what can only be thought of as a sick sense of comfort. A place where no one can hurt them. A place where they can rest. A place where they aren't judged. Their demons accept them and comfort them. To a normal person...that's a twisted way to think and be. To the depressed? It's their peace. It's their safe-space.
Depression isn't someone seeking attention and creating drama. Depression is someone who has been abused, unloved and unwanted for a very long time. Depression is someone who has been bullied. Depression is someone who cannot see the good within themselves. I don't expect anyone to understand where I am and why I feel the way I do. If depression is even a feeling. I believe depression is more of a sense of being. It's a mental illness and it's one of those things where people will avoid you if you have it. What they need is the very things people avoid giving. Acceptance, compassion, empathy, no judgement, no lectures and knowing that no one, absolutely no one will give up on them. Finding those people? Well that's like finding a needle in a haystack.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...