While doing my makeup this morning, I questioned "God knew that The Monster was not right for me. I get that but why did He allow TM to abuse me? Why did he have to get me to see that TM was not the man He created for me by allowing TM to all but destroy me?" God knew what kind of man TM was/is. I know we are given freewill by God. We choose our path without His interference. What I don't understand is why have abuse direct me out of a bad place? I wish I understood why the abuse even happened. I have some thoughts on it. One being the most obvious as it's the number one reason all abusers abuse. He has incredibly low self esteem. My ex boyfriend was the very same way. However, he abused all of the women he dated/married. HIs narcissism knows no bounds. Do I know if TM has abused other women? No but with how adept he was at abusing me, I'm sure he has.
I don't know why I attract and am attracted to these men. I really don't. Maybe it's from a childhood of the same? Maybe because it's all I know and don't believe I deserve better? Why did God bring me to life? Why did He say "Send her down there"? Knowing the hell I would be going through...why did He see fit to allow me to be born?
Was my life violently abusive? Not as a child. It was more neglect from my mother and lack of love. The abuse started when I was 27 years old and I was backhanded across the room and knocked out. Exactly 6 weeks after my daughter was born. It was at that moment I knew I was nothing more than a piece of garbage. After I came to...he walked up to me and said "Get the hell up. You're fine". I stayed with him for a year after that. He beat me one more time before I finally left. After that, his abuse turned verbal. It has been verbal ever since and that was 1995. I don't speak to him if I can get away with it. We have a daughter so the communication needs to remain open if necessary. I try to keep it unnecessary.
I made a mistake with TM and other men I've dated since the spermdonor. Let's call him SD. I was honest about my abuse. I fully believed that opened the door for TM and short term relationships to do the same. Granted, they weren't physically abusive but they were damned good at the mental/emotional/verbal. I opened the door for them. It's like I put a welcome mat out and said "come on in and destroy me". My ignorance in thinking they were good men was their invite to adventure land for abuse. I've learned my lesson though. No one will know about my past. Truth be known, no one will be allowed to get close enough to even know an inkling of me. Do I think I'll ever open up again? Not to just men but even friends? I don't know. My trust is all but gone. Maybe one day.
