Had a good couple of days. The demon took a mini vacation and I was happy. Demon came back this morning and I woke up back in my safe space. Why is the darkest place I can be considered my safe space? Because I'm used to it. I know what to expect and I truly feel safe in the dark. I'm not vulnerable there. No one can touch me when I'm wrapped up in the darkness. One tiny step forward but this morning...two giant steps back. Will I ever find happiness that stays? 😕
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...