It's going to be busy...

Good grief this summer is going to be busy. Well...if the next few weekends are any indication it will be. This weekend....a concert and family portraits for my ex husband and our daughter. I won't be in the pic. LOL The following weekend...family portraits for me and my girls. ALSO...a friend and I are doing something really cool with our "wedding" gowns. What a joke that is huh? I was engaged to a sociopath and she was married to...well a creep and I'll leave it at that. Anyway...we are going to do a thing called "Trash this dress". Here is a link to show you just what we are doing. It's not only going to give us some really cool photographs but it will be quite healing and cleansing. I'm excited about doing it. Especially after figuring out just how lucky I am to have NOT gotten married to Darren. Marrying him would have caused irreversible damage to my girls and most likely ended up with me having long term accomodations in the state penitentiary. LOL

The week of June 17th the girls and I are heading to California to see my family. It's been well over a year since I've seen my parents. I'm needing some mom/dad time. I hate being so far from any kind of family. It really really sucks. I mean I'm talking sour pickles here. That is how bad it sucks. LOL

It has become glaringly obvious how boring life has become. No Darren, Ronna and Kim bullshit. How nice is that? I think quite nice actually. I do believe I will keep it this way. :)

love

It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...

Too much...

There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...

A lifetime

I have been mentally ill for as long as I can remember. I honestly don't remember a time when I thought I was worth loving or even being allowed to live. I've been suicidal, I've had a catatonic moment, I've been severely depressed. In essence, I've been a mental mess. I didn't know why. I just was. Doctors put me on medication but they barely touched my illness. The demons were still there. When I went off of the medication, those voices were loud and strong. They controlled me. The problem was...I didn't mind it. It was a comfort for me. It was my safe space. I embraced their words. I know that sounds twisted but mental illness doesn't make sense. One year ago I decided I had enough. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to live my life, not just exist in it. I went back on medication. It helped...for a while. Then those voices started coming back. "You aren't worth i...

Life as I know it...

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