I do not believe in romantic love. Simple as that. I'm so tired of people saying "You will find it one day" "Don't judge all men based upon your past" "It will hit you one day and you will fall in love". Okay...let's get one thing straight....nope, nope, and nope. I don't judge all men based upon the monster because let's face it, he's the worst male I've ever dated. Even compared to the douche canoe who beat me, the Monster is way worse.
Just my view but honestly, I should have never been born. I've looked back on my life, seen how shitty men have treated me, how friends have betrayed me, how family has belittled me, harmed me...at what point do I think my life has worth or meaning? It doesn't. From conception, I was unwanted. As a child, I was unwanted. I'm now 55 years old and the way I see myself is...a nothing.
Being on medication is a double-edged sword for me. Before the meds, my demons controlled my thinking, wanted me to end my life and give up. Being on meds, I have clarity and see myself for who I am. In the last few weeks, my past has come back full force. Things my mind blocked are now vivid in my head. From childhood to adulthood...I've been abused. I've been shown, by people who were supposed to love me, that I wasn't to be loved. I was to be used and abused.
All of this brings me to love. I don't believe in it. Not for me. I'm not worthy of it. I'll never believe I am. Donna and Jerry made a huge mistake that night when they decided to have unprotected sex. They conceived me.
Well I got a couple more hours of sleep. I have the best kids. They let me sleep and didn't wake me up until my cell started ringing. We went out and about today. K wanted to try Bubble Tea so I obliged her. Mistake. It is not good by any stretch of the imagination. If you don't know what Bubble Tea is....g00gle it. Once you find out...don't try it. *shudder* An expensive taste test. There is a storm heading our way. Would you believe it's supposed to snow tonight??? Snow on Easter. How odd would that be? Speaking of Easter...my girls are watching TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network) and watching a childs version of The Passion. Even watching the crucifixtion of Christ as a cartoon it still brings tears to my eyes. I am so unworthy of what He went through for me. Well not just me but all of mankind. I saw The Passion last year and that is when I realized I needed to turn my life around. I was making a serious mess of things so I gave it all back to God. My life has had it...