I do not believe in romantic love. Simple as that. I'm so tired of people saying "You will find it one day" "Don't judge all men based upon your past" "It will hit you one day and you will fall in love". Okay...let's get one thing straight....nope, nope, and nope. I don't judge all men based upon the monster because let's face it, he's the worst male I've ever dated. Even compared to the douche canoe who beat me, the Monster is way worse.
Just my view but honestly, I should have never been born. I've looked back on my life, seen how shitty men have treated me, how friends have betrayed me, how family has belittled me, harmed me...at what point do I think my life has worth or meaning? It doesn't. From conception, I was unwanted. As a child, I was unwanted. I'm now 55 years old and the way I see myself is...a nothing.
Being on medication is a double-edged sword for me. Before the meds, my demons controlled my thinking, wanted me to end my life and give up. Being on meds, I have clarity and see myself for who I am. In the last few weeks, my past has come back full force. Things my mind blocked are now vivid in my head. From childhood to adulthood...I've been abused. I've been shown, by people who were supposed to love me, that I wasn't to be loved. I was to be used and abused.
All of this brings me to love. I don't believe in it. Not for me. I'm not worthy of it. I'll never believe I am. Donna and Jerry made a huge mistake that night when they decided to have unprotected sex. They conceived me.
There are days I enjoy living my life. There are days I thoroughly hate it. Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I almost had a breakdown. Standing there in the aisle, I had to fight, with everything in me, to not start crying. Too much has been hitting me this month and I think I'm at the end of my rope. Beginning of the month, D's new wife sent me a text telling me to lose his number, email and address because I already had my chance with him. I laughed at the absurdity of everything she said in that text as it sounded like something a teenaged girl would write. I haven't wanted that man in almost 20 years, so, she is either highly jealous of his past and any woman he used to be interested in or is extremely insecure with herself and her relationship. Regardless of her mental state, I told her I was just catching up on life with him, but I will respect her request and not talk to him again. I've been told she has been married 4...