I do not believe in romantic love. Simple as that. I'm so tired of people saying "You will find it one day" "Don't judge all men based upon your past" "It will hit you one day and you will fall in love". Okay...let's get one thing straight....nope, nope, and nope. I don't judge all men based upon the monster because let's face it, he's the worst male I've ever dated. Even compared to the douche canoe who beat me, the Monster is way worse.
Just my view but honestly, I should have never been born. I've looked back on my life, seen how shitty men have treated me, how friends have betrayed me, how family has belittled me, harmed me...at what point do I think my life has worth or meaning? It doesn't. From conception, I was unwanted. As a child, I was unwanted. I'm now 55 years old and the way I see myself is...a nothing.
Being on medication is a double-edged sword for me. Before the meds, my demons controlled my thinking, wanted me to end my life and give up. Being on meds, I have clarity and see myself for who I am. In the last few weeks, my past has come back full force. Things my mind blocked are now vivid in my head. From childhood to adulthood...I've been abused. I've been shown, by people who were supposed to love me, that I wasn't to be loved. I was to be used and abused.
All of this brings me to love. I don't believe in it. Not for me. I'm not worthy of it. I'll never believe I am. Donna and Jerry made a huge mistake that night when they decided to have unprotected sex. They conceived me.
It's a struggle knowing he didn't love me and never did. To find out the things he does now for his wife? The woman who is bigger than I ever was, the woman who has been married multiple times, the woman who is tatted up and he hated tats, the woman who shows jealousy, the woman he won't keep secrets from but kept them from me, the woman who is everything he said he hated in me. Knowing all of this has made me hate him. I know it does nothing to him. It will only eat away at me but that has been happening to me for almost 20 years. I can only now admit that I hate this man with every fiber of my being. When I met him, I was in a good place. I was happy with myself, I had friends, I loved sex and I believed in love. In the almost 2 years I was with him, he destroyed every last bit of me. I know it was only 2 years but in 2 years, he obliterated every bit of who I was. Not a day went by where he didn't mentally or em...